âSheâs such an intellectual â she reads her porn.â
âThis isnât Sense and Sensibility, itâs fucking Snapchat, chill out.â
âI canât remember the last time I ate a vegetable.â
âWhat? Sorry I canât hear you with my sunglasses on.â
âI killed a moth with a selfie stick yesterday.â
âFucking a poet must be amazing.â
âI would suck anything to be verified on Twitter.â
âThe only vegetable I eat is Guacamole.â
âWhat did you guys eat while I was unconscious?â
âHandjobs are like the above-ground swimming pools of sexual activities.â
âIf weâre snowed in, letâs organize an orgy for our floor. A snow floor orgy. A snoflorgy.â
âUp until a few years ago I thought misogynist was another word for masseuse.â
âI want my wedding to be bagel themed.â
âShe literally has everything a girl could wantâŚexcept a personality.â
âIâm gonna turn this workaholic into an alcoholic.â
âYou look really good with a mustache. You donât look like a pedophile at all.â
âLove is pretty much the ability to talk about your digestive system with another person.â
âI fucking love Tinder. Whenever I want a study break, I just whip out my phone and judge 100 people.â
âSo today I ripped a hole in my lace underwear while picking a wedgie.â
âAre you flexing your boob right now?â
âI have to Instagram the snow so my friends at home will think I do more than go to clubs.â
âI canât imagine anyone who would want to put up with me. I put up with me only because I have to.â
âThis just heated up my scrotum to an extent you wonât believe.â
âWhy are you âthrowing shadeâ at me? Are you a fucking palm tree?â
âSeriously. Iâm wearing knee high stockings. It shouldnât be this hard to get laid.â
âIâm growing my pubes out so I look more like a Game of Thrones character down there.â
âThey should redesign the American flag because itâs so hard to draw 50 stars in elementary school.â
âABC, man. Always be cute.â
âI canât give you like professional advice. But I can give you advice based on my life, which is: fuck anything and everything.â
âWait. You guys have class? On Fridays? I thought that shit was a myth.â
âLook at that dog chasing that stick. If I were a dog, Iâd chase a stick like that too. But all Iâm chasing here are my broken dreams.â