back to the start au : coming out
That was one of the biggest sources of tension in their relationship before the plane crash. Ilya felt ready to come out, Shane didnât, feared the worst.
And now, theyâre back at the beginning, two rookies, Ilyaâs ability to stay on the continent fully dependent of his work visa. No matter their feelings on the subject, they canât come out. Wonât be able to for years if they still want to play hockey. Canât really, even if they gave up hockey right there and now. And even Ilya has to admit heâd still like to play. He loves playing against Shane. Hopes to play with him one day if they play their cards right, this time.
Still, Ilya canât help feeling angry at the beginning. He knows how lucky they are, to get a second chance but it feels so unfair, to have to work so hard again to establish themselves as players, as household names, to rebuild teams, friendships⌠itâs exhausting.
Therapy helps. He gets to talk, to put words on the feelings that threaten to swallow him whole on the worst days. The right dosage of meds settles him down enough for him to realize how low he used to feel, sometimes. How he saw coming out as a light at the end of that deep dark tunnel. A solution to all his pain, that he clung to, desperately.
The reality is quite different. Shane always said he was terrified for their careers, and Ilyaâs brain decided that it meant that Shane cared about hockey more than their relationship. Them being there, alive, in love for the second time around proves that Ilyaâs brain is a liar. Shane would choose them in every world, every lifetime. He just wants Ilya to be safe, protected from Russia, and for their love to be treated like the precious thing it is, and not dragged through the mud by gossip sites and the bigots in the MLH.
Ilya still wants to love Shane out loud, but he learns to be patient, and to be a better listener when Shane talks about his fears and their future together.
Losing Ilya forever, even for such a short time, broke something inside Shane. There was this terrifying realization that, except for his parents, no one knew. This thought, that used to comfort him, was now the worst thing that ever happened to him. No one to hold him, no one to understand why he was crying so much he couldnât breathe anymore. He would have to go through the world with an Ilya-shaped hole in his chest, and he would have to carry that pain alone, for the rest of his life.
So when he wakes up in that hotel room, and they realize when they are, he doesnât even have to think about it. Itâs more of a devouring need than a choice. Theyâll never be apart, never be enemies. Shane and Ilya will be close, as close as they can while keeping both of them safe, the best of friends, for now.
And them being friends ? It changes things for Shane, that he didnât even consider at first. You canât be the perfect Golden Boy when the (supposedly) worst Asshole in the league is attached to your hip. The expectations put on him since he was a kid donât fully disappear but they lessen. He gets allowed to be a complex human being, whoâs a rules-following player on the ice, is well articulated and polite in interviews but whose chips are even more vicious and hilarious than Rozâs, and who parties with his teammates and the prettiest girls. The tabloids donât need to know said girls are his friends, who he dances with for fun before calling his boyfriend to say goodnight.
Shane still carries the sour memories of his coming out to the Metros, the thinly veiled disgust, the way the team slowly distanced themselves from him. And heâs a realist. No matter how magical their second chance feels, the world is still the same as it was, the MLH is still terribly homophobic and coming out publicly will surely never go smoothly.
But, as he says to his therapist during a session, he wants to be brave. Braver than heâs ever been, even. He loves hanging out with Ilya in public, go to dinner together, laugh with their friends. He wants to do all that while holding Ilyaâs hand, kiss him whenever he wants to.
So they devise a plan. First, they come out to their most trusted friends, and itâs just perfect, to invite them over and to get to be ShaneAndIlya with them, without having to care about the world for a day. Secondly, the team. The Centaurs were for most of them kind, accepting people. Not perfect but way better than most of the other teams. One of the few places where a queer hockey player might consider coming out. So, one after the other, they move to Ottawa.
Then, safety. Ilya could try to apply for permanent residency as a player on the Centaurs, but getting married sounds so much nicer. The thing is⌠Shane wants to call him his husband. Itâs as simple as that. So they get married, with their team cheering them on.
Lastly, the MLH and the world. This time theyâre not rivals, theyâre best friends on the same team, so the stakes are a little lower than they could have been. Yet, theyâre still terribly high. Shane and Ilya consider just posting about it on social media, or doing a joint interview, and bracing themselves for the fallout.
But Scott Hunter kisses his boyfriend on TV, right on time, when he wins the cup in 2017. Theyâre watching it curled into each otherâs arms, smiling with teary eyes. âHey, I have an idea.â Shane whispers. Ilya looks at him, eyebrows raised. âYou and me, next year, same thing Scott just did.â âYou sure ?â Shane grins. âCertain. Weâll be untouchable.â
They proceed to do exactly that.