la valse du temps.

And I can’t help but think “what if he keeps going down this path?”. Like, of course, in public he’ll still perform as Rozanov, Asshole Russian Menace.

He does like chirping other players on the ice, rile them up, and then show them time and time again that he’s the best player. That’s a huge part of him. But having to pretend he’s that cliché Straight Virile Man who has a different girl in his bed every night is getting more and more exhausting.

Time spent in private with Shane is like coming up for air. Because *Shane*, obviously, but also because he doesn’t have to pretend. He can wear the tightest, slightly-too-short tank tops and soft loose sweaters. The holes in his ears he got as teenage rebellion get used again to put pretty dangly earrings in them. The slight lilt he has in his voice when speaking Russian becomes noticeable in English too, when he teases Shane. There’s a hip popped, a hand on it, a brow arched, when he’s being sarcastic. That’s who he is, too.

It’s always been there, carefully, consciously hidden. And letting it out, even if it’s just in front of one person, his Shane, makes him feel whole, finally. At least for the time being.

And Shane? He’s trying to keep his cool but every little change (or more like, every little thing that Ilya doesn’t hide anymore) is making him fall more and more in love.

The possessive part of him is screaming “mine”, “no one else gets to see that version of Ilya and that’s good because he’s Mine”. But an even bigger part of him wishes he could show the world how Ilya is so much more than what everyone thinks. How bright he shines, when he doesn’t have to hide.

That was one of the biggest sources of tension in their relationship before the plane crash. Ilya felt ready to come out, Shane didn’t, feared the worst.

And now, they’re back at the beginning, two rookies, Ilya’s ability to stay on the continent fully dependent of his work visa. No matter their feelings on the subject, they can’t come out. Won’t be able to for years if they still want to play hockey. Can’t really, even if they gave up hockey right there and now. And even Ilya has to admit he’d still like to play. He loves playing against Shane. Hopes to play with him one day if they play their cards right, this time.

Still, Ilya can’t help feeling angry at the beginning. He knows how lucky they are, to get a second chance but it feels so unfair, to have to work so hard again to establish themselves as players, as household names, to rebuild teams, friendships… it’s exhausting.

Therapy helps. He gets to talk, to put words on the feelings that threaten to swallow him whole on the worst days. The right dosage of meds settles him down enough for him to realize how low he used to feel, sometimes. How he saw coming out as a light at the end of that deep dark tunnel. A solution to all his pain, that he clung to, desperately.

The reality is quite different. Shane always said he was terrified for their careers, and Ilya’s brain decided that it meant that Shane cared about hockey more than their relationship. Them being there, alive, in love for the second time around proves that Ilya’s brain is a liar. Shane would choose them in every world, every lifetime. He just wants Ilya to be safe, protected from Russia, and for their love to be treated like the precious thing it is, and not dragged through the mud by gossip sites and the bigots in the MLH.

Ilya still wants to love Shane out loud, but he learns to be patient, and to be a better listener when Shane talks about his fears and their future together.

Losing Ilya forever, even for such a short time, broke something inside Shane. There was this terrifying realization that, except for his parents, no one knew. This thought, that used to comfort him, was now the worst thing that ever happened to him. No one to hold him, no one to understand why he was crying so much he couldn’t breathe anymore. He would have to go through the world with an Ilya-shaped hole in his chest, and he would have to carry that pain alone, for the rest of his life.

So when he wakes up in that hotel room, and they realize when they are, he doesn’t even have to think about it. It’s more of a devouring need than a choice. They’ll never be apart, never be enemies. Shane and Ilya will be close, as close as they can while keeping both of them safe, the best of friends, for now.

And them being friends ? It changes things for Shane, that he didn’t even consider at first. You can’t be the perfect Golden Boy when the (supposedly) worst Asshole in the league is attached to your hip. The expectations put on him since he was a kid don’t fully disappear but they lessen. He gets allowed to be a complex human being, who’s a rules-following player on the ice, is well articulated and polite in interviews but whose chips are even more vicious and hilarious than Roz’s, and who parties with his teammates and the prettiest girls. The tabloids don’t need to know said girls are his friends, who he dances with for fun before calling his boyfriend to say goodnight.

Shane still carries the sour memories of his coming out to the Metros, the thinly veiled disgust, the way the team slowly distanced themselves from him. And he’s a realist. No matter how magical their second chance feels, the world is still the same as it was, the MLH is still terribly homophobic and coming out publicly will surely never go smoothly.

But, as he says to his therapist during a session, he wants to be brave. Braver than he’s ever been, even. He loves hanging out with Ilya in public, go to dinner together, laugh with their friends. He wants to do all that while holding Ilya’s hand, kiss him whenever he wants to.

So they devise a plan. First, they come out to their most trusted friends, and it’s just perfect, to invite them over and to get to be ShaneAndIlya with them, without having to care about the world for a day. Secondly, the team. The Centaurs were for most of them kind, accepting people. Not perfect but way better than most of the other teams. One of the few places where a queer hockey player might consider coming out. So, one after the other, they move to Ottawa.

Then, safety. Ilya could try to apply for permanent residency as a player on the Centaurs, but getting married sounds so much nicer. The thing is… Shane wants to call him his husband. It’s as simple as that. So they get married, with their team cheering them on.

Lastly, the MLH and the world. This time they’re not rivals, they’re best friends on the same team, so the stakes are a little lower than they could have been. Yet, they’re still terribly high. Shane and Ilya consider just posting about it on social media, or doing a joint interview, and bracing themselves for the fallout.

But Scott Hunter kisses his boyfriend on TV, right on time, when he wins the cup in 2017. They’re watching it curled into each other’s arms, smiling with teary eyes. “Hey, I have an idea.” Shane whispers. Ilya looks at him, eyebrows raised. “You and me, next year, same thing Scott just did.” “You sure ?” Shane grins. “Certain. We’ll be untouchable.”

They might be a couple this time around, and best friends in the public eye, but they know they still can’t interact much during the Sochi Olympics. It’s too risky for Ilya’s safety. They smile at each other from afar, send a couple of extremely polite, safe, texts.

Ilya always wondered if he could have done better as the Russian team captain, gotten his team further in the tournament. He’s an even stronger player now, better strategist and yet it changes nothing. You can’t finish a puzzle when all of the pieces refuse to fit together. He’s strangely relieved.

He goes to the same spot to watch the ice skating competition afterwards. Shane still comes to find him. He keeps his distance but his eyes are fond, his stance relaxed. “Mind if I stay here with you ?” “Be my guest.” Ilya smiles, grateful for Shane’s presence and silent support. They stay there until the competition ends for the day.

That night, Ilya’s father keeps yelling at him about Latvia, dishonoring his country and his family, being a traitor hanging out with a Canadian in gossip rags instead of training seriously. Maybe it’s because Ilya’s older and more aware of his worth, maybe it’s the years of therapy, Shane’s soft smile that afternoon or the text from Yuna and David that said “You played some wonderful hockey, son, that team didn’t deserve you. Ps : Yuna says the Cup is yours this season”. Maybe it’s a mix of everything.

He stands up to his father. Asks why he should honor a country and people who don’t even respect him, who never cared for him unless they could get something from him. Who always asked more. More than what they deserved, more than he could give, more than anyone could. He stayed calm but he made it clear that he was done living this way. His father laugh was mean. Cruel. “So you wanna live like a greedy American pig now ? You’re not my son anymore.”

The words hurt. They break something in him. He’s never felt lighter.

He knows he’ll still set up a trust for his niece, and secure a place for his father in a good assisted living facility once he’s back home in Boston, but he doesn’t owe his father or brother anything. He realizes he never did.

After packing the last few things from his mother he could find in the house and checking into a hotel room, he sends a text to Shane. GPS coordinates and “tomorrow, 6am.” Shane sends an inconspicuous “ok” back almost immediately.

Shane thinks that yeah, the message is strange. But he opens the coordinates in his phone’s map, and realizes they were in the middle of a cemetery. He has an inkling of what, or rather who, he will find there.

The next day he shows up at 6am sharp, in front of a neatly cleaned tombstone, with fresh flowers on top. A bouquet of lilies. Shane can’t read Russian (yet) but he knows it’s hers. Irina’s.

Ilya is sitting against a tree nearby, slightly dusty. He doesn’t come closer, in case someone’s watching them. It’s unlikely that early, but you never know. But he looks at Shane, who eyes are getting misty in front of the tomb. “I wanted you two to meet.”

He tells Shane about the night before, how he doesn’t plan on coming back to Russia after that and he wanted Shane to come to that specific place with him before they leave for good. Shane wants to ask a million questions, how Ilya is feeling, is he sure about never coming back. But they have time. He can ask these later, once they’re safe back home in each other’s arms. So instead he says “Thank you for introducing us to each other.”

He talks to Irina about how much he loves her son, how proud she’d be of him. How he intends to spend his life taking care of Ilya. He’s not sure how long he stays there but at some point the wind against his cheeks starts to feel like a soft, loving answer.

Eventually he has to leave, he needs to warm up for his next game. He looks at Ilya who hasn’t moved, but listened to the whole conversation with tears on his cheeks. Shane wants so desperately to hug him. Instead he silently mouths an “I love you so much”. Ilya smiles, a soft thing in the early morning light.