The so-called Me

Ma vie aurait-elle été différente si j'avais mis plus d'efforts pour apprendre et d'obtenir la maîtrise en deux ans, que j'étais rentrée au VN pour ensuite retourner au Canada pour le doctorat? Aurais-je obtenu maintenant le doctorat et commencé à trouver un emploi à l'université? Aurais-je pu trouver un emploi avec le doctorat?

Ma vie aurait-elle été différente si j'étais partie pour la France après ma maîtrise? Aurais-je maintenant travaillé dans un autre domaine que l'enseignement du FLS? Serais-je devenue plutôt une ingénieure en TAL?

Qu'est-ce qui m'a empêchée de faire tout ça? Qu'est-ce qui fait que j'ai décidé de prendre le chemin que je prends maintenant au lieu de le changer pour un autre?

Est-ce que je peux corriger ça? Est-ce trop tard de le faire? Je voulais toujours avoir un doctorat et travailler à l'université comment les autres. Suis-je capable de le faire? La lecture est le seul obstacle pour moi. Ce n'est pas la rédaction, ni l'écriture. Je peux écrire si j'ai l'idée. Le fait est que je n'ai aucune idée. Mes réflexions ne sont pas encore tant développées. Je ne suis pas encore tant maturée pour pouvoir formuler des réflexions plus complexes. Est-ce vrai? Ou est-il simplement parce que ce n'est pas un sujet qui m'intéresse et que je suis indifférent de ce que discutent les autres.

About 10 years in Canada

I don’t feel doing anything.

Is there anything that doesn’t need to use brain but trained skills instead, kind of the RC job?

Oh dear God, I know that You are occupied with other things, but I just want to vent. 

I am struggling now. I don’t know: should I go back to study and spend another 4 years in books and school, spend all the money I saved with the unsure hope to find a job at the end. Or should I just accept the actual situation and work as I am working now to pass the day, but leisurely and no worries about scholarship, homework, etc.

Should I accept the summer job that I will have on June and August? Or should I just stay home and do whatever I do now? I’ve already told them that I will work for them, so it’s better to stay that way, because if I were in their situation, I would not like a person with whom I work to change their mind constantly.

But I don’t want to work in person, I don’t want to go out, I am scared of the covid, I am scared of talking in front of a lot of people. I don’t know how to manage a class fulled of students, I’ve never done it before. I am better by hiding behind the screen, and just expose my voice.

It’s really not good for my mental health when I listen the people working for the GC talking about their job. With all the advantages they have. I know jealousy is not good, in whatever way. There is no excuse for jealousy. But I am jealous when I hear my friend got a better job than me, when they have more money than me... I should be happy for them, but I can’t. It seems not fair. I want to have more money, better working conditions too. I want to have better job too. 

But again, I know they have to work hard in order to have those. You once said that if you want anything in life, you should work for it. I don’t want to work. I think I am old now, don’t want to do anything anymore.

Should I go back home and live a simple life? Will I be happy with that life? Or will I struggle again? 

When I was young, I think I will be better, my life will be cool if I have a permanent life in another country. And I was willingly ready to sacrifice everything to have what I have now. But now, when I have it, I struggle, still struggle. It seems that I can never be happy with what I have. I should learn how to be happy with whatever I have. 

Il ne faut pas être trop lâché, ni trop serré dans une classe, ainsi cela va bénéficier les étudiants travailleurs et aussi ceux qui préfèrent jouer et parler dans la classe.

Les travailleurs ont l’occasion d’apprendre quelque chose, et les jaseurs ont la chance de débarrasser leur “envie ardente” de parler. Voilà c’est une approche gagante-gagante.

Rien n’est mieux d’un morceau de la Symphonie du Nouveau Monde dans une journée de neige.

Une régale indéniable de voir tomber la neige et de laisser emporter par la mélodie magnifique de la symphonie du Nouveau Monde.

Je vis maintenant dans un nouveau monde, dans un nouveau pays. Ça fait déjà sept ans, mais la neige du premier jour est toujours comme hier, le premier jour où j’ai mis le premier pas sur cette terre. Elle est si belle, si douce, si froide, si fragile, hélas, aussi si féérique et splendie. Une beauté parfaite de la nature!

Dear God Almighty, benevolent Comic Beings, powerful Iôskư Gods and Godesses,

Please! I know this is an unreasonable wish, and I know that we should be careful of what we wish for. I don’t know what is good for me. So You are wise and almighty, You know what is right, what is good. Please keep me in the right way, please don’t let me go astray from the Pathway Home. Please give me strength and wisdom to know what is the right thing to do, to keep my belief, so that I could do goods for others if I could do any good. Please give me a heart of compassion, of love to love and to benefit others. Please bless me so that I could be better, wiser, more compassionate. Thank You All for your Love and Blessings! 

If ever I’ve done something wrong, please forgive me! I was ignorant and stupid. You are my only shelter. Please protect me! I am now the one who suffer anxiety, for not knowing what You have planned for me, for not knowing what is good, what is not. So please protect me from any turbulence, since I am little and vulnerable and not knowing things enough to walk on my own feet, even though I would love to, in order to help You, to keep You from worries about me. But ô Dear God Almighty, I still need Your help! So please!

Parce que je ne veux pas changer.

Parce que je suis bien en ce moment, maintenant. Je suis bien dans mon petit appartement. Je suis bien avec mon travail actuel. Je suis bien avec ce que j’ai en ce moment.

Parce que je n’aime pas le Vietnam. Parce que j’ai peur de retourner. Parce que je veux vivre avec le Français. Parce que j’ai peur de relation familiale au Vietnam. Parce que j’ai peur du changement. J’ai peur d’habiter avec mes parents. Je ne veux pas retourner à la maison permanemment.

Parce que je suis têtue. Parce que je ne suis pas “quitter”. Parce que...

The more I do it, the more I feel empty inside. The feeling is not the same. I should’ve not done it for the first time. I was so naïve as I used to be. 

I should stop it for good! Never, never again if I want my soul to be saved. 

It’s always better to be with the one who loves you. You can feel it. You know it. Even if they are not at what you expect. But what else do you expect, except love?

And if you really love him, pray for him, meditate for him too. And then let God do what Hirm has to do. I don’t believe that love cannot move the mountain, return the wheel of karma.

When you are nobody in a big city, it’s scary, but don’t be, because you have friends. You think you are alone, but look, you are surrounded by people. You could never be alone in a big city. Go out and smile with strangers.

Don’t be afraid. Be strong.

Positive thing to live in a big city and no family is that you are free of responsibility. The only responsibility you have to fulfill is yours, you are responsible of yourself.

5+5=10

Struggling so hard for money to live on, I forgot my passions of the past. Suddenly, somehow the story of one of my friends comes in my head. He was a PhD student in the same university as  me. He used to play guitar and did a lot of other things. I used to be like him too, but I realize better be really good at one thing than to know everything but nothing good as, because that thing will define who you are and what you do.

So I decide:

- non academics: travel, plant, bike (that is what I love and I’ll train myself for that)

------ next stop: United Kingdom

- academic: French, close caption (because I have experiences)

- creative: ukelele (because I have it)

- spiritual: Buddhahood (Think like a Buddha, Act like a Buddha, Be like a Buddha, and some day you’ll become a Buddha. Ask yourself: “What Would Buddha Do? Be it the guideline of your actions.)

It is all part of growing up.

---------------------

23:31 I broke up with him. I don’t thing that he is lucid to understand that it is a breaking up. 

“Love is messy.” (Ellie Chu) I have to admit that. Thing is not simple, unless you want it so.

It’s not fair for him when I think about somebody else not him. He is a good man, he deserves better. It’s not good for me neither. Better be that way then.

- Robot vacuum

- waffle maker

I’m broken. I’m broken from inside out. The day I took in that beer, the day I took that plane and came to this country. The day I hung out with them, the non-vegan and drinking beer people. A lot of amazing memories, but in exchange, I lost my merits, A LOT. I can feel it when I lost it.

My first snow was amazing, I heard the Sound everywhere. Here, everything is calm, the vibration is light and thin. I love it right since the very first moment. I heard the Sound practically all the time. But then, I went out, I drank beer, I had intercourse, then everything from a dream come true became brown, heavy and all the sadness, all the bad lucks kept coming, coming. Desperate, suicide feeling, frustrated, anxious, worried, troubled, all is dark and dull. Suddenly, I didn’t know what to do. I lost my Light, my Sound, I lost everything. I lost the goal of my life. I didn’t know what is good, what is not.

I take a break from my worries and think about human life.

Watching the photos of the person I love, I realize how much time makes people change, from good to less good, from good to better. Some you quite recognize who they were, some amaze you with their improvement. Life gives different people with different things. I can’t imagine how talent he was when he was young. Yes, he did have some accomplishment. But life is not always like it seems to be. Some wrong decisions may make your life better or worse. Like mine. Would it be better if I go home and work in the university? Socially speaking, yes, it would be better that way. But I’ve made wrong decision by staying here, no way I can correct that. Once the decision is made, you cannot reverse it.