The thing is...

My bleeding has almost stopped. My body mostly feels normal albeit heavier. My breasts feel like they'll never feel normal ever again. My mind (and whole entire being for that matter) is tired. From the stress and worry of all the things that make life right now difficult and from all the things that could go wrong. I always knew that this path would not be easy. But seriously, it is so so so much harder than I ever anticipated. In labor I kept telling myself "You've got this. It's just like running a race. Don't give up. Push through the pain" ... Those mantras were too short sighted. Motherhood is not like a race. In a race, the finish line is at least somewhat in sight. But raising a child? That never really ends. So upon delivering sweet baby girl and feeling proud and accomplished, like I had made it, my feelings quickly changed to those of bewilderment and doubt when the restless nights came, when she cried and I didn't know why, when breast feeding hurt. The list goes on and I have a better perspective of how long of a journey this is going to be. I wouldn't change it for the world, but that doesn't mean that I don't want to just stop and cry multiple times a day. And then there's not only baby worries. I am finding communication with my partner especially difficult. And in his frustration he gets very direct and brash. This is hard for him too. How do you decide what is best for baby in the moment. What happens if we dissagree? There is no right/wrong really, it just comes down to weighing pros/cons and who's side do we go with? I know he feels isolated because she's so tied to me because of feeding and becasue of my knowledge and experience. How do I let him in this space? Oh and of course juggling family and friends on top of the baby and daddy. His tolerance for people is much different than mine and I just don't know how to make sure no one is left out while taking our families needs in stride. This is so exhausting. And is it normal? Do I have PPD?

I’m just on the brink of tears at all points. Barely managing to stay afloat. It’s too hard working a “full-time job” that’s over 10 hours each day where I am in charge of 26 4, 5, and 6 year olds, plus the yoga studio, plus the homeowner preparing for renters, plus taking care of myself and growing a little girl. I can’t hang on for much longer.

Well put! Saving forever.

Everyone is. Ok I’m not but everyone else.

Dying

Too relevant for my past three years.

But I feel so fucking damn good I don’t even care. Fuckkkk