This Is My Life Now

Some people pray in gardens,

or sanctuaries

Some use words like holy father or

beloved universe

I always used Taylor Swift songs.

There is nothing wrong

with the way other people pray.

I just never liked it that way.

I preferred my own,

dramatic and lyrical,

begging the creator of the universe

to hear me cry for more.

I like to think she knew what she was writing,

but maybe she didn't.

Maybe she didn't know that somewhere in the

world

someone very similar to her

was breaking,

trying to find a version of herself

she thought she would never become,

a self that might not even exist.

Maybe she didn't know

her words would hit another chest

the way they did.

What is one goal you want to set for yourself with me as your therapist?

I glanced up at the tiny computer camera and laughed. I would really love to go no contact with my mom.

***

I'm sorry I didn't have time to plan a proper exit appointment for you! My therapist threw their hands up, smiling.

You completed your goal though. You told me when we first started that you wanted to go no contact with your mom. And now you have. How does that feel?

A smile spread over my face as a few tears slipped out. Free.

and

the universe kept asking why it mattered

and

I was so angry

because I just wanted an answer

An explanation

Something

And it whispered

The wind was in my hair,

I noted how odd it struck me that your arm lifted in

a goodbye

Maybe that’s why what we both heard that day

was,

“Oh.

There you are.

I’ve been looking for you.”

Soft like one breathe

let out when you didn’t even

know you were holding it in

You know when the main character in a movie

finally realizes that she has to run to that one

person?

Every moment building to this single, simple run

toward the rest of their life.

When you lifted your arm and I smiled in response,

That was my single, simple run toward the rest of

my life.

A kiss goodbye

And then,

When I wake up

it’s only a few hours before I have

you in my arms again.

It makes me fearful

knowing how quickly routines

can be broken

When I was in elementary school

I told my mother I wanted to go to Cornell

She smiled and told me she knew I could do it,

I just needed to work hard and get good grades.

Easy,

I thought to myself,

and then I can finally leave this hellhole

I'm forced

to call home.

When I graduated high school

I was sixteen

Too young to understand the world I lived in

And yet not old enough to ignore it.

I told my mother I wanted to go to Tulane

But this time she shook her head

And said

After all I’ve done for you

You think you can just leave?

When I finally did leave I drove West

and

After everything

I think I am grateful my path was

glasses blinds me for a moment

"Why do you keep saying you love me?" I ponder

aloud;

part curiosity and

part anxiety.

"Because I think the last time you were here, in this

place mentally, no one reminded you

you weren't alone.

In fact I don't think anyone has ever told you they

love you enough."

You're trying your best to make up for the lack

you chuckle a little,

kissing my temple,

And for a moment,

I’m not tensing my shoulders so

much

You breathe a little deeper,

Settling into the outline against me

Our corner of the world is quieter than normal but

we still have no more answers than we did

A week ago when we rushed to the

Emergency room

“The good news is he’s not dying today so he can

go home”

“I heard you’re not happy with your care.”

The doctor brushing us off

Another ER.

Another doctor saying not dying today.

A referral.

An apology from the specialist for the treatment in

the ER.

Still no answers

I fight for who I love

And I won’t watch another one deteriorate in

I think

when I was little

watching the kids not listen to the adults,

I knew somewhere deep down that this is what

peace would look like.

My oldest stray sleeping so

soundly next to my husband of

less-than-six-months that when he

plays with her feet she doesn’t even wake up.

I look around and all I see is love.

In every corner of every room there is

love.

From family members to

church members to

friends who had never met me

but have had the honor of watching

my husband grow into the man I adore.

From the three cats

I have managed to keep alive for almost six years.

Mine and his things all together in a collaboration

of love.

My 15 year old stray cat twitches in her sleep and

my husband comforts her.

She lets him.

my mother was the Torch Lady and my father

A surgical technician.

By the time I was 10 years old I

wanted to be a ballerina

My mother was a nurse and my father

Poorer for it.

I was older. More mature for my age. Abused.

By the time I was 16 I

lost the love of my life (she was born in 1932)

My mother had rebuked me and my father

was too quiet.

I was stronger. Shrieking. Screaming. Fighting like hell.

By the time I made it to 21 I

realized the world was cruel (not the way she said it was)

My mother was disappointed and my father

was a coward.

I survived. Through it all, I made it.

By the time I turned 25 I

met a piece of my puzzle

He fits perfectly

My mother doesn’t know him and my father

never will.

I am brave. I am fierce. I am not afraid.

Sometimes I wonder what they say when people

ask how their

youngest daughter is but then I

remember how easily they lied to me and I know

She smiles and her insides burn with sadness.

Tears burn into her cheeks

as she hears what people say.

Her stomach grows smaller each day

she refuses to live.

Her face shows only a little of how she truly feels.

She doesn't feel like she can be herself.

He has water in his lungs.

Each day it grows closer to the end.

Then he sees her.

Her eyes more beautiful than the night sky.

She's pulling him toward her

as a bee searches for honey.

Their bodies collide and

books spill everywhere,

and you can see his water

put out the fire in her heart and

make everyone see her

I wasn’t sure it was him until you put your head

on my shoulder and I felt you relax just a bit.

You haven’t been feeling well.

We’ve been fighting.

Life has been heavier than it should be in the first

few months of a marriage

But that’s not on us

truly

It’s all just been shit circumstances.

So I lay my head down gently on yours before they

call us back.

When I was a little kid my nurse of a mother drilled

into me and my sister how to explain to doctors

whatever it was we were feeling.

Mother wasn’t kind or gentle with her teachings

so we both learned quickly how to fend for

ourselves.

Sometimes I forget that your mom was so busy

trying to make sure you weren’t being left out

that she never realized you weren’t at the same

starting line to begin with.

She never prepared you to know how to

communicate

And sure

eventually she got you some help

But fourteen in neurodivergent years is an adult.

You were already grown.

I watched you jump on the scale and you were

just a bright eyed little boy I see in the photos back

at your parents house when we visit.

I worry about you.

I don’t say that enough.

You crack some joke

you think that if you take yourself seriously

someone might see through the performance

you think you’ve perfected.

But I see you.

I always have.

I didn’t wave goodbye when we walked away but

honestly I’m glad I got to see him.

Meet him.

I couldn’t meet your eyes as I grabbed my things

trying to run from my problems:

You said you’d do this eventually. You made me

promise to stop you.

My own self-awareness always was my downfall.

I blink a few times to clear my vision,

You can come

with me.

You nod and gather your things.

My face begins to feel warm and now the tears

won’t slow

Baby

You hold my shaking body against your firm one.

The mirror to our left shows my face is red and

puffy and you are concerned about me but all I

know is you got hurt because you love me and

that terrifies me more than anything.

in the middle of the night

if my hand reaches for your skin

and perhaps you feel me

searching for you

you plant me where I can feel your heartbeat

So I know you’re here and

that whatever terror filled my dream

you are real

and you love me

I don’t have to flinch at softness

You

take in the art

today

at the museum

with me

I enjoyed it

but the real art was

falling in love

just a little bit more

as I watched art

and I have to catch my breath

Joy has never been this simple before

And yet you are

the most complicated feeling I have ever