honeiii

Witchcraft: The Four Elements

As someone who had an eating disorder and identified as transgender for several years, there really is so much overlap between the two. The body checking. The body obsession as a whole. The fixation on certain “problem” body parts, the communal commiseration, the clique encouragement and competition to reach higher and more dangerous goals. Whereas with eating disorders you’re constantly monitoring your weight, diet, and exercise, with gender dysphoria it’s mannerisms, posture, inflection. The obsession with how clothes fit and the shape of the body is nearly identical. My eating disorder morphed into dysphoria so easily; it was the same sentiment in a different container. My pro-ana friends would encourage me to starve myself and share thinspo images of skeletal women; my trans friends would give me tips on how to bind my chest and scripts to get doctors to prescribe testosterone, and we’d mutually pour over pictures of people who were our transition goals. The painful mix of hope and envy I felt for their masculinized bodies was exactly the same as when I looked at those waifish women years before. Ten more pounds and I’ll be alright. When I get top surgery I’ll be alright. When I look like her I’ll be alright; when I pass like him I’ll be alright. But the ten pounds are never enough. Suddenly your thighs are still too wide; your hips are still too feminine. The target shifts. Ten more pounds…