????!!!

Like cwn grew up being told to care about the world, being raised to be an exact copy of someone who literally dug out his heart to help others, and then when he sets out to leave home, he’s told “fine but I’m taking your spiritual core” because that’s what matters about him—not cwn, not who he is but what he can give others And like obv cwn is hurt and doesn’t feel that Huaizui was right based on their later relationship but I also think there’s at least a kernel of cwn that…wonders. This is his teacher, his master, the man who has raised him and taught him right from wrong, good from bad—how could a part of him not wonder if huaizui’s right? Here he is with all this spiritual power and skill, raised in relative comfort and luxury when so many others have suffered and struggled with so much less to help them get by—how could he not owe it to them to use those abilities to do the most good he can? And I think this starts pivoting more toward his own unworthiness and failures with Rufeng bc Rong Yan is kind and good and she dies (horribly!) and he doesn’t stop it, doesn’t save her, doesn’t prevent this injustice from happening or avenge it once it’s done. She was kind and generous and helped him and he failed. Once we meet him at Sisheng Peak, he’s at the point where he a) doesn’t think it matters if he gets hurt and doesn’t think he deserves to be comforted or cared about, b) is devoted to helping the common ppl thru both his cultivation and his inventions, and c) has a ruthlessly rigid code of morals and conduct. Which creates this self-reinforcing cycle where he doesn’t feel like he deserves to be close to anyone or can offer anything to them that would engender friendship or closeness (rather than the professional distance of a teacher and disciples or a cultivator and common people) and creates these walls to protect his pride and his own feelings that make ppl think of him as cold and unfeeling so that they don’t try to get close to him and don’t reach out to comfort or protect him because they think he doesn’t need it and would reject it which further cements cwn’s belief that he doesn’t deserve it—because if he were better, if he were kinder or gentler or more welcoming, surely then someone would reach out and care about him And like obv ppl do care about him! But as much as I love Xue Zhengyong, friendship alone isn’t enough to dismantle that kind of perspective & it isn’t his responsibility to do all of it. He cares for cwn and makes that clear and provides friendship and support in ways that cwn clearly needs and which I think do help cwn—but there’s a lot of self-work (& therapy) that is necessary for cwn to dig out from the prison he’s wound up in, and I don’t think cwn generally is in a place to do that for most the book Like it’s…pretty telling imo that when cwn starts having dreams about his past life, he immediately assumes that there is something innately wrong with him. Not that he should’ve jumped immediately to “oh someone’s fucking with the space-time continuum and consequently I’m having memories from my dead alternate self” but like…cwn is shown to be very clever and quick and creative and he never once considers any possible cause for these dreams except his own deeply embedded rot But by the time we get to this scene, cwn has started to open himself up to the possibility that others could genuinely care for him—not necessarily that he deserves it or that he isn’t somehow secretly Wrong in some way—but that he can be loved and wanted not just for what he can give others but for himself. People grieve when he dies, his disciples strive to embody his principles in honor of him, Mo Ran insists on feeding him and spending time with him even in place of the people cwn is sure he cares about more, wants more, loves more. So he’s still got all that self-reproach and guilt built up inside, but he’s starting to also get other, softer things alongside it And then he finds out about this whole past life and everything he went through, how all those dreams weren’t the creation of his own wicked brain but the things that someone else—someone who he thought loved him, someone he loves, someone he believes is good—did to him. This is what I mean by it feels preferable to be in control and Bad than to not be at fault and still get hurt. Because if cwn had dreamt up these things, then they’re shocking and appalling but they’re springing naturally from the spoiled center he already believes he has. But if they’re not, then they’re not because of his own badness but because someone else chose to do them to him—and there has to be a reason. There has to be a cause for someone to do these terrible things to him; things don’t just fall from the sky. Cwn has been striving to put himself in positions of control and strength/knowledge/expertise and responsibility for his whole life since he left the mountain. It’s his default defense mechanism: rather than wait for the possibility that someone will ignore him in favor of someone else, he walks away. Rather than opening up in the hopes of friendship, he lashes out so they don’t get too close. Control can be arrogance and pride and so many things, and it can also be shield held over your soft belly because no one else will hold back from cutting it if they get the chance. Which is, imo, why he frames this question this way, too. He’s trying to pull that control and understanding and reason up to hide the hurts that are already bleeding everywhere. If cwn’s kindness mattered—if knowing would have made txj let him go—then things still make some kind of sense. And if they don’t—if there is nothing that cwn could have done to stop this or protect himself—then what sense does it make? What does it matter to be kind when it can’t stop others from suffering and can’t even protect himself? His whole world has been built on his ability to serve others, to try to do good even without thanks or acknowledgment or comfort. He’s the saying about lighting yourself on fire to keep others warm but now he’s looking at his own ashes and it doesn’t make sense. It isn’t fair, it didn’t serve some higher cause, it was only ever suffering. And I don’t think he could’ve gotten here without the events of the 2.0 timeline specifically because he has been—if not seeing himself as deserving love—at least starting to accept love which is…not a place I think his 0.5 version got to tbh So he’s just started to allow people in, to accept and get used to this kindness and love that he’s never allowed himself to even really miss before, and then he finds out that part of what he has long viewed as his own internal badness was actually cruelty committed against him by the person who has most been teaching him how to be loved