Eli The Alien

Isa lang naman akong hamak na patatas na naghihintay maging french fries. Pero minsan, parang ayoko na rin. Parang gusto ko na lang maging sangkap sa adobong baboy ni Inay. Binalatan, hinati, pero nanatiling buo. Hindi naging pahaba at makikitaan ng paghulma ng panahon, at ng makina.

Paano ba kasi lumaban? Gaano ba kasapat ang gumising kinabukasan, kumain ng kanin at ininit na ulam, pagkatapos ay umupo at maghintay ng oras na sasapit muli ang bagong umaga? Okay naman ang lahat. Masasabi kong masaya ang buhay kahit hindi ko pa nararanasan ang kalahati ng meron dito. Tamang timing nga lang siguro ang lahat. Maghihintay pa rin naman ako. Laban lang.

I’m back after almost 3 months! I succeed leaving the only account who sees the real me, the real version of my inner voice. But after all those heart pains I had experienced and spilled out, I’m still alive facing the monitor, again, telling this small world that life goes on. So I guess, I have to share what happened for the past 3 months and let myself reminisce those pains and joys I had encountered.

Lord, forgive me.

After four months, finally, I will be able to open my online diary. I miss it. Namiss kong magdrama. Kahit walang nakakabasa. Kahit walang pumapansin. Masaya ako kasi little by little, nakakapagsulat ako.  #HolyWeekComeback #MaundyThursday

I won't please anyone. Never. But I want to be understood. By people I love. It's my true colors. It is like a rainbow that comes after the rain, after the pain. Especially when I'm already in my exaggerated character that makes everything worst, that makes everything fall to places

I know I'm not the only one who feels this way and even though I don't understand them enough, I won't say a thing. I had judged people before many times I now couldn't imagine, but, I'm so glad now that I can control it. No matter how funny the look of a person is, or how unintelligent you are to face your work, or how weak you are in everything, at the back of my mind, I still understand. Because everyone deserves to be understood. It may be so much abusive on other people's part, but for the people who need it the most, I learned to myself, it is so much more than appreciated. So much. -L.D.

They don't understand how painful it is to choose and decide for them without realizing I've been hurt emotionally. It's not easy to be part of a broken tree with all yourself being alone on that branches while choosing where will you be growing. Though I've been hurt, I never want them to feel the same. I owe them all my life, all the good things I have, all the love and care they gave since day one. I know it's not their intention to end up like this, however, they did a big part why I'm acting this way; I'm hurt. I choose to continue my studies while excluding my personal life issues, I laugh with them as if nothing happened, I chose to hang with them time to time, I travel just to see them no matter what they had taken from me; completeness. It's never easy. And everytime they beg me to have me near, hesitation happens, because I'll choose to whom I should be. And that's the crucial part of choosing, you may end up disappointing or gladden any of them two, and that is what I'm avoiding of. When one gets hurt, every pieces of me dies. No one knows my struggles, neither the both of them, and even if it takes forever to keep it, I'd do it for them. One thing I just want them to be aware of is that, somehow, they would understand me as much as I do for them, when they left me, when they didn't choose me, when they hurted me, when they let me cry it all myself. You know, the day they broke their ways is also the time they let me decide on whom I'll be staying or spend my time with. This cycle kills me, it drowns me, that sometimes I end up crying because it's difficult to deal with. But love is about sacrificing, after all, what is the essence of it? Good thing, He's just up there and I thank God for giving me the courage and strength to embrace it all, for not leaving, for loving, and the only one who really, really, understands.

So sad to think that I was emotionally abused but still...being uncharitable. I'm terrified. Hay.

You don't make me smile. You're not a book.

I don't understand myself. Too much drama will kill me, I know. It will damage and soon, will affect my entire being. I'm fully aware of that. But it's cute. Sadness is cute. Anxiety is cute. Call me stupid, for I am. Call me crazy, for I am. But it felt so much relief when I'm on it, when it strikes me late in the afternoon or early in the midnight. It's depressing yet fulfilling. I learned how to deal with things, how to understand not only myself but also people around me, how to convince myself to do not and to do what. Some will never understand what I'm going through and what I am thinking right at this moment but it never bothers me anyway. I'm proud that no matter how heartbreaking the day was, or how the brain reconciles with my feelings, I'm still smiling, I'm still strong, and positive. That really what matters now. Because, I know I'm fighting outside. I know I'm not the only one who feels this way and even though I don't understand them enough, I won't say a thing. I had judged people before many times I now couldn't remember, but, I'm so glad now that I can control it. No matter how funny the look of a person is, or how unintelligent you are to face your work, or how weak you are in everything, at the back of my mind, I still understand. Because everyone deserves to be understood. It may be so much abusive on other people's part, but for the people who need it the most, I learned to myself, it is so much more than appreciated. So much.

On my 18th, I want to be alone. Eat alone. Celebrate alone. Be happy alone. I think, that doesn't sound so selfish, does it? I will call that "Lyssyndrome". The intense desire to celebrate an event... alone.