Ambitious Survival

Zara yaad kar mere hum nafas, mere dil jo tum pe nisaar tha. Woh darra darra sa jo pyaar tha, tere shokh qadmon ki dhool thi, tere kaafile ka ghubaar tha. Zara yaad kar mere hum nafas ... Maine hamesha chaha ke tum mujhse mohabbat karo, har tarha se kaushish ki. Aisi kaushish jo bikhari kissi maaldaar se ek aana maangne ke liye karta hai lekin shayed meri sada mein hi woh asar na tha. Agar hota to mohabbat na sahi, tumhe mujhse humdardi to ho hi jaati. Mujh mein hi koi kami ho gi jis se main anjaan aur tum ba-khabar thay. Iss liye aaj main tumhe apne ghutan-bhare saath se azaad karti hoon. Ab tumhari qismat ke darwaze khul gaye hain tum per. Maine tumhe kabhi bad-duaa nahi di kyun ke jis dil mein mohabbat rehti ho, wahan duaaein rehti hain. Haan magar kabhi kabhi duaaon mein asar nahi rehta. Meri duaaon mein bhi nahi raha. Kam az kam tumhare maamle mein to yehi huwa. Aur zindagi mein kabhi waqt mile to yeh sochna zaroor ke main yeh kyun likh rahi hoon. Maine tumhe maaf kiya.

Ab to woh tanz bhi nahi karta, uss ko kuch to bura laga huwa hai. Yeh mohabbat to bohat baad ka qissa hai mian, main ne uss haath ko pakra tha pareshaani mein … Yeh qaiyanaat surahi thi, jaam ankhain thi, muwasilaat ka pehla nizam ankhain thi. Uss ke lehje mein daraar aati hai aur main ussi waqt khwaab rakh deta hoon, khadshaat utha leta hoon. Yeh zaroori to nahi heer faqat jang se ho, yaar ka shehar karachi bhi to ho sakta hai.

My father has been diagnosed with cancer. I don't know how to process this information. I don't know how to accept it. I am overwhelmed and lost in confusion. I feel helpless.

‪I gave a lot and was left with nothing in return. Stretched myself too far and too thin.‬

Oh Allah, I stood before You with my tears flowing and my heart at Your door crying in humility, for my sins are many and good deeds are little, so gift me with a beautiful forgiveness. I come to You dragging my sins of many years. I come to the Most Merciful, the Most Forgiving. I have full belief and certainty, that You have the cure for all sickness. I ask You to forgive my sins and to conceal what has touched me of shame for You are my Lord, the Healer of the Hearts, for You are the One who forgives all sins.

Baaz dafa rasta bohat jaldi khatam ho jaata hai. Kaash ke kuch lamba ho jaata. Lekin rasta aakhir khatam hi ho jaata hai. Baaz auqat yeh manzilein itni jaldi kyun aa jaati hain? Jab manzil pe pohanchne ki jaldi ho to aisa lagta hai sadiyun ki musaafat hai aur jab manzil ki koi jaldi na ho, manzil se zyada raaste azeez hon to safar shuru hote hi manzil saamne aa khari hoti hai. Ab to meri manzil aa chuki thi ... Na chahte huwe bhi utarna para.

Assalamu alaikum everyone. I was hospitalized last night. My health has been deteriorating and I am quite unwell. If you could spare a moment to make dua for me, I would be grateful. May Allah reward you.

I don’t feel well. I feel okay at most, but mostly, I feel stretched too thin. I could talk or write about why I feel this way, but I don’t have the energy to do so. I’m not ready to talk to anyone about how I feel because then I’d have to brace myself to handle the clichés and the possibility of indifference, insensitivity and lack of understanding. And I’m scared. Scared that what I ultimately want or hope for is just a distant dream.

I am ready for the next phase of my life to begin.