exploring life

Things did not go down as I expected. I am in a better place than I have been most of my life, if not all of it. I grew a lot since I last wrote here. I seldomly write now, I can't find my words that easily now that I'm not consumed by anything. I learned more about trusting my friends, about communication, about accepting and offering love. I got into therapy and things start to line up, it starts to make sense. I am grateful for everything I am living and what I have lived, for bringing me here. There is no ideal place I am in, in fact I find it really challenging and it gets pretty frustrating/difficult, and I need to go through everything. To whomever reads this: thank you for doing so and for being part of my life (if we know each other lol)

I can't breathe. I feel suffocated by the people around me, by the pressure of meaning, by the feeling of treason. I do not feel safe. I am unable to trust my friends. I feel annoyed by everything they do, as I see their behavior as petty tries to cover the truth, and in fact, it has been like this since forever. Chaotic exaggerations, platonic laughs, retained reactions, a theatre play. The distant attachment makes me want to run and cry, it does not let me find a middle ground in order to continue our interaction. It feels like it's going to end the same again.