04.11.20

I’m depressed. There’s no other way to describe it. I feel nothing, but I also feel everything as it tries to claw it’s way to the surface. I can’t let it happen though, because I don’t know how. I don’t know what to say. I don’t know what to do. I am trapped inside of myself. Stuck inside of a shell of what was once a human  with emotions and stories and love. Gone again.

I’m on this diet to “heal my body.” It’s a nightmare. But, oh how easy it has been to fall back into habits I didn’t even know that I still kept inside. 

Sadness is the easiest way to bring up things that you thought you no longer held. A real testimony of the things that we store deep down. Instead of bringing them up, I always hold them down.

Why is it so hard to let go of what has the ability to take over you?

In other news, I got myself into a fucking disaster of a job situation that I want no part in but have already invested $600 into. My sister is working out at a small gym and the owner is looking for someone to hire. She told her that I would be interested (I wasn’t) and so I went to meet her just to see. Initially I thought it would be great but I’ve been going there to workout this week and I really don’t think that it’s my thing. It doesn’t feel right intuitively. But here’s the deal, I already signed up to get certified as a personal trainer. I spent $600 on it and it’s honestly something I’ve always been interested in and could see myself doing, but the circumstance that I’m in isn’t how I pictured it. So maybe I get certified and use it in a different way? I don’t know yet. I just hate being put into these situations. I know people mean well, but ugh.

I’ve also been doing a ton of research on healing myself. I know this will sound super woo but I’ve come across stuff about not being able to heal in the environment that you got sick in. I think so much about this. I really feel like I resonate with this. I feel so stuck and not myself here. When I am away from here I am a different person. I feel so much more aligned with myself. When I am here it’s like I don’t even recognize myself. This thought consumes my mind. I feel like I need to get out of here to truly heal. But I also know how crazy that sounds at the same time. When I was in NYC and even when I take trips to certain places things just flow. Then I come home and things just stop flowing. Being here is not good for me. People tell me that I'm dramatic and that I just need to be grateful for what I have but fuck I literally wake up miserable every single day. I try to be positive. I try to do all of the “right” things. I meditate, do yoga, workout, go in nature, eat healthy, etc. and I’m still so depressed everyday. I cried twice today at my desk because I just feel so so so unfulfilled and stuck. This isn’t a sob story, I don’t want sympathy. I just want to type out my feelings.