the best you ever had.

You can’t knock the bagels in New York, they are kind of the best. It’s one of the few things I miss about living there.  I think we all get a little homesick after a while. Ben and I did the New York thing and spent some time in New Zealand before I came back here. I must be pretty fucked up to choose this hell hole over NZ huh? I could see that actually. That sounds pretty damn accurate. I do have to say though, I talked to Nick and cleared the air about what happened that night and he told me to tell you he’s sorry for hitting you. He’s still not your biggest fan but he doesn’t think you’re the scum of the earth anymore. That’s progress right? Please don’t, I’ve heard it enough. I’m just saying, he’s getting old and will croak soon and you’re going to see some younger fans before your songs start getting played on radio under the “Oldies” category. Youtube is also kind of dead old man, you’d be better off finding some Instagramer or Tikoker. Get with the times or hire me to do your social media, ya dinosaur. 

Nah, they’re reyt good, you won’t find me hating. Always got the most bougie fillings, too. The bagel’s couldn’t keep me, but I ‘ave a feeling the mountains in NZ probably coulda. You traded the majestic hills of Hobbiton for the rain ‘n chip butties? Mad. But I respect it. Oh, yeah? Bit of an equivocal apology, but fair enough. Don’t think we’ll be sitting down at the tea table together anytime soon, but you were right, it did give me an edge with the ladies, so just tell ‘im it weren’t a bother - he can use my face as target practice some more if he feels like it. He’s still out there makin’ moves with Beck and Dominic Fike last I ‘eard - he’s not a regular grandpa, he’s a cool grandpa. I wouldn’t be surprised if he falls arse over tit at some ostentatious party when he’s 101 and that’s how he goes - cool until the very end. Does that mean we can look forward to having a Kaya Scodelario appearance in one of our music videos? I know working with musicians who are past their expiry date is sort of your thing. How’s Robbie Williams doing? You still doing visitations with him in the carehome? Uh, we ‘ave a Tweeter, thank you very much. I just dunno who the ‘eck runs it or what ‘we’re’ saying - I’d say you could take it over if I didn’t ‘ave the absolute fear that you’d start posting old photos and doublecross me. At least I’m going extinct with grace and aren’t tryna keep up with the kids - I don’t know what TikTok does, but I bet my arse you’ve got an account, ‘aven’t you?

Honestly, I could not give a rats crap what people say or may think. I’ve always been fascinated how people care so much about other peoples private lives, as if they have some sort of right to know. But when you can play with it, why not? Don’t worry Al, I say us or we unassumingly as well, I get it. It’s not like we’re jetting of to Vegas to get married — even though that of course does seem to work for some. As long as it’s not some form of battle ‘til death, then I suppose I can get behind it. Yeah and the other one is that it would be more comfortable than the floor, right? Your height is a big bonus though, I’ll give you that. At least there won’t be any fighting over who gets the most of the duvet or anything like such seeing as neither of us could carry a legitimate argument for that.

Well, that certainly sets you apart from 90% of the population. Trust me, it becomes ten times more liberating when you cut ‘em off completely by not having any social media and not giving ‘em anything to work with, but I get that it’s less viable to ‘ave a career without one nowadays. And how would we troll the world without your internet presence? You’ll just have t’be our unofficial hypewoman this summer and attempt to keep us relevant - at the moment that’s only lying in Matt’s ‘ands, and he’s probably doing a wank job. So an impromptu trip to Vegas when we’re in LA is a no, then? Yeah, you got it, you’re bang on the money. I’ve already planned me excuse for stealing the covers, ‘n it’s that you get colder winters in the Netherlands so you should be used to it. Or, something along those lines. If that doesn’t work I’ll just remind yer that you’re outnumbered, and we could easily leave ya in a petrol station in Switzerland.

I am in a cool TV show, but my character is definitely not cool. She’s ruthless and kinda selfish but in a good way, but she’s definitely not known as ‘the cool one’. Plus, I finish filming and get straight home to my cat and call my mom on the phone. Ooh you’re playing a festival? Fun! Coachella, or a lower profile one? Of course, I’m sure it’ll always stand. Thanks for the invite, I’m sure Iris will love to post it all over socials.

Can’t take your word for it, m’afraid. I got money on her being the best character in it. And we all have our own things when we need to wind down, right? Yours is infinitely cooler than watching Danger Mouse alone in bed with a packet of digestive biscuits, so. Nah, it’s Primavera Sound in September, I’ve played Coachella a few times though, it’s always a fun time. Hung out with Amy Winehouse for most of my first and it used to be my exes favourite, so it’ll always be special to me ‘n that. You got a favourite one?

The Last Shadow Puppets - "Is This What You Wanted" released 2022 on Domino Record Co. 

Featuring @kimbcindy

Making a big reveal on a red carpet is so terribly predictable and just boring, don’t you think? In fact, I think we’d serve people more with a percy pigs nachos review, I can already envision the comments. And you know, it might be a way to get sponsored by percy pigs and I won’t say no to that collab. Yeah you can, if you promise to give it back. Kidding. But yeah, sure — I’d be up for that. I’m sure whatever yous two brilliant minds have come up with will be just great - you can count me in. Part of my heart wants to break for him, but I get it. He’s too good to let go, can’t have that. You gotta do what you gotta do. His face may not give it away, but I’m sure he’s so thankful you’re keeping him captive. The real world is a scary place after all. — Are you saying you’d get claustrophobic if I climbed in there? Don’t worry though, I would literally sleep on the floor if I had to. Being cramped next to you might be better than the floor though. But like I said, I’ll sleep anywhere there is room, as long as I’m not in the way.

I was about t’say it screams PR, but come to fink of it, we’ve nowt to gain from being seen with each other - we’re one of the biggest plot twists since Travis Barker and his lady friend. And please take that with a pinch of salt - I say ‘we’ completely unassumingly. Sounds like I ‘ave to have some kind of jousting tournament with my bassist before I can lay any claim...( ‘cause that’s how we do it in England, obviously. No one gets to win over the maiden without getting on horseback while wearin’ sum chainmail ). Although I will say, sharing a bed with me’s definitely your better option, for two obvious reasons - and only one of ‘em’s about me height.

I think we could even go as far as make a whole damn video. You know, put it up on the good old youtube and be all serious and shit, like have a survey ad truly give our outmost honest opinions.. I feel like people would really appreciate that — not to mention, quite unexpected I’d say. I mean, I do like a bit of salt to cut the sweet.. like with chocolate and caramel — but some people just take it to far. To the point where they ought to be locked up. I think people would be in to it. I’ve got no doubt you could find some deeper meaning in to grocery stores and people would just be like “alright.. it’s the Alex Turner after all..”. Oh my god stop… I might just need to start a support group for Nick, sounds like he needs it. But then again, I need a bed so maybe I should be supporting the way you treat him. Does he at least get a plastic bag to carry spare underwear?

Is that gonna be our big reveal to the world? After all that speculation after the Vietnam pictures, I think people are expectin’ a joint red carpet appearance, but we’ll give them a Percy Pig nachos review video instead. Speaking of, just to stir the pot that little bit more, d’ya think I could borrow yer face for a music video? Me ‘n Miles ‘ave been working on summin’ and we can quickly shoot a video for it before you and I go on the move? I’ll email you what we have in mind later. Underwear? No, he doesn’t get underwear. If I present him with underwear he might think he’s been freed like Dobby the house elf, ‘n I can’t ‘ave that, I need him. Well, I were about to say you can share mine, but the reality is those beds are pretty cramped, so bagging Nick’s empty bed is a much better deal than having to put up with me. 

I would if she’d ever leave New York. Kat and I only get together when were both stateside these days.  He’d have to stop every few thrusts to check to make sure the person was okay, I’m sure it’s a mood killer. Oh Paul? Is AM doing that bad that only an old dying legend can keep your relevant? What’s next a cover album full of mashups and collabs like Elton just did? Cute, Lex. Call me back when you find a rockstar who’s latest hit single was in the last decade.

Ah, she’s made the ole crumpet to bagel transition, ‘as she? I did that too, for a while, they all come crawling back at some point. I do get the feeling he’s the type to ask “am I hurting you?” after the most tame five minutes of your life and probably insists on post-nut-cuddles. Alreet, wash your mouth out with soap right now, you can’t disrespect the blueprint like that. Don’t make me recite my ‘rock ‘n roll will never die’ speech to you again, nobody needed to hear it a first time, let alone a second. Everyone know covers and mashups are the oxygen concentrator’s of the music world. Only dying musicians need to actually release ‘em. And if you’ll excuse me, I just need to go...pay off some YouTube channel owners right now...

Are you my long lost brother?! Excuse me, I can’t deal with that. Iris is, as I’ve said, already infinitely cooler than I am and I don’t need a second sibling to leave me in the dust in the cool category. You do have my dad’s nose… I feel less cool by the genetical minute. She’s great, go mom, honestly. If you’re ever in LA, you should come over, I’m sure they’d love to have you.

Aren’t you in that Skins meets Gossip Girl new show that everyone’s ravin’ about? Sounds like someone’s in denial that they’re climbing that cool ladder themselves. You might feel outta place, like you don’t know how you ended up ‘ere, but in my personal opinion, those are the people who deserve the hype more. We needa stop making try-hards famous. I’m rarely stateside anymore, but I do have a festival in LA in September, so if the offer will still stand? Your rents can come chill backstage again and bring you and your sister this time, make it a family affair.

I don’t know if I’m intrugied, disgusted or just both by the mere thought of Percy Pig nachos. I get that the whole sweet and savoury thing works well together sometimes, sweet and salty and all that. But wouldn’t that be sweet nachos? Swear, that might just be the thing that sends me over the edge and has me looking for another country to live in. Why not continue down the road of making people think “okay i get it — but i’m still confused”. Personally I’d love to hear a song about Waitrose being considered to be the poshest one of them all. I bet it’s what it is but they just had to cover it up cause it’s easier for parents to explain Mark and Spencer, then what the fuck a moon sideboob is. Funny how you say that, and very sweet — but I will still 100% be over packing. Like I’m prepared for all the judgemental faces when I come carrying my twenty something bags. It’ll be fine though, I think I’ll have it sorted.

Maybe we ought to say fuck it and try it? Give a whole Google review with pictures for some random person to stumble upon one day and not understand why the fook it exists. Sweet and salty popcorns just about t’only thing I can get behind - anything else can get in the bin. Alright, I’m comin’ around to it - the cover can just be us all in the different uniforms at a cash register, and I bagsy the lime green Asda one. I did promise a new album this year, maybe this is just the thing. Alreet, suit yourself, there’ll be plenty enough room for all your extra bags anyway as I don’t let Nick have any personal belongings. When we’re on the move he sleeps in a dog cage, too, so you can even have his bed if ya fancy it. 

Meg isn’t invited, if that’s what you’re asking. I made sure it was friends who don’t know Mr. Buzzkill.  Nick still has his panties in a knot about last time, that man needs to get laid and focus on someone else for a change. What makes you think you’re cool enough to come with me?

Invite her twin sister instead - let her know in some new age catty way that snitches get stitches. I was gonna say I’m surprised he’s not getting any already, but then I remembered nobody likes a fun sponge, ‘n not even being tall can counter-act that shit. Sorry, one moment, Paul McCartney’s on the other line. Enjoy my hold music being that ‘too cool’ song from that one Disney movie. 

You know, sometimes my brain just works in mysterious ways as I did just come up with that on the spot. Wouldn’t mind spending the night in a M&S though, not gonna deny. Don’t worry though — I’ll let you steal this marvelous idea if you wanna use it for a song, I won’t even charge you for it. You think? I wouldn’t mind that seeing as I do fucking love me a Colin. Babe, it could literally be hailing, and I would be down by the pool, trying to catch so much as one ray of sunshine. I’m ready though. Probably disgustingly over packed or not packed enough. Not like I’m used to going on tour per say.

Catch me sleeping in the Percy Pig aisle - they just have everything there for a balanced diet, y’know? I hear they’re tryna sell Percy Pig nachos now, too. I think that might just be the nail in the coffin for people who fink I’ve lost the plot - from Tranquility Base to songs about giant UK retail chains? They’d 100% reckon I’d been swapped out for an industry plant somewhere around 2020. Maybe if I just pretended M and S stood for Moon and Sideboob people would be less sus. And don’t even worry about needing to pack to cover everything - we’re gonna be going through a lot of different weather, if you’re missing anything I’ll just buy it for yer while we’re there. Just bring y’self and the rest we can worry about after. 

Oh you’ve seen The Bubble?! My dad also directed that, so your two favorite people in the backstage world. She’s… I really hope it’s genetic and passed on. She takes really good care of her skin with creams and stuff, and she has her fair share of dermatologist appointments, but she’s pretty as ever, yes. And there’s not two of me, that’s Iris, she’s a few years younger than me, and infinitely cooler. 

Dunno what it is about life that wants to keep taking me back to your parents. Maybe I’m actually jus’ their first child that they weren’t ready for and decided to parachute me from a plane somewhere over Sheffield. I do ‘ave your dads nose. That female gene must be strong though, ‘cos even when yer mum had that brown wig on, she looked exactly like the two of you. Congrats to those Leslie Mann genes. 

Ooooh yeah, spill it — what are you thinking? I was close to the scene of a crime and since you’re my alibi, I’m need to be around you at all times. Did I do it? Who knows. Or did we accidentally get stuck in a M&S after hours and due to finishing every colin the caterpillar they had, we’re now bound together for life. I’m here for any story you wanna make up. Mostly cause of the pure reaction, the look I wanna see on their faces when I meet them for the first time.

I just wanna know how your little brain came up with the M&S idea if it’s not something that actually happened to you, so...let’s go with that one. It’s just realistic enough to be believable. I reckon you’ll get a Colin cake for yer birthday every single year from each one of ‘em too, so that can only be a good fing. I also ‘ope you’re packed and ready for Turkey by now. I hear it’s supposed to be a bit nippy this time’a year, but you betcha I’ll be out reading by the pool, pretendin’ it’s the Bahamas, so you best be packing a swimming cozzie. 

@kimbcindy​

@maudeapxtow​