Idk guys.. I think I'm finally recovering at 30 after having a ED since the age of 13..
I saw photos today of when I was at my lowest weight and I honestly looked so ugly . Especially my face. And everyone could see it and thought it was unappealing too. I really did look very ugly.. but at the time I thought I looked beautiful. Idk what I was thinking. My face looked discusting and so out of shape and weird being so thin. I now suffer seizures every day, I can't drive, I have signs of early menopause, infertility that won't come back,, constant infections, sicknesses, brain damage, stroke, small blood vessel disease in chronic stages, high cholesterol, heart problems, multiple autoimmune diseases, and my hair, nails, and teeth are extremely fragile and won't ever grow properly. My hair was fine for years but eventually like everything else, it caught up with me, now I have bald patches. I also suffer psychosis. Probably from years of sta-rving myself . I probably won't make it to my 40s. Even if I get better now. To many health issues are now long-term even if I do recover right this moment. It's to late. So I don't know how long I have. Once the damage is done, it's done. I don't know how to feel right now. But since taking a break from this Tumblr and coming back to it reading all the ana posts...I feel very indifferent... I'm still st@rving myself though, but probably not as much. I don't know what this means for me moving forward ether. I don't know if I can completely stop or want to. All I know is, I've had Abit of a wake up call and one I never thought I would ever in a million years have.. I want a future. I want a purpose. And only I can control that at the end of the day for myself and those around me and to stop playing victim even if I am a victim to all this, I'm never the victim when it comes change or deciding what I truly want or deserve in life. Wow.. damn that's a lot of self growth and self worth I didn't even have afew months ago. Funny what a little distance away from negativity can do.
