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H o l y s h i t.

It is a lovely morning in Cloud Recesses and you are a horrible goose. You have been given a jade token around your neck as a collar by the loud purple human. It is very pretty and shiny and if anyone tries to take it off, you know you will try your very best to bite their fingers off. 

You saunter up through the archway and honk loudly. 2 people in white stare at you in confusion, then hesitantly come toward you. One turns to the other to honk in their human language and you see a flutter of white in their long head feathers. 

You want it. 

You grab it in your beak, yank, and run, fluttering the long white strip behind you with the little metal bit going ping as it bounces off the stones. There is shouting behind you and you flap-waddle as fast as you can up the path, your orange feet slapping loudly. There are a lot of buildings up ahead. Buildings mean more humans and humans mean food. You want food. (And chaos.) You are a goose. There is little else in this world besides these things.

All of the humans here are wearing white, just like you. Perhaps you belong here. Perhaps you’ve been given a kingdom. This sounds about right. 

It is a glorious kingdom. There are plenty of ink plates to put your goose feet in and track all over the tables and papers and floors–they should be grateful. You have made them goose art.

There is so much to do here. You dodge these humans that can fly on their sharp sticks. That is very fun. There is a room just filled with delicious paper and you decide they all look better on the floor like a giant nest. You are pulling them down when the loud humans come in and try to grab you. They are so rude. They do not appreciate your vision.

There are big fish in this pond that is now your pond, and so you must chase them to show them who is now in charge. It is you. This is Goose Kingdom now. There is a human in white slowly splashing after you, their strange body feathers being weighed down by the water. They think they can catch you. Foolish. You whirl around and flap in their face, showering them with water and feathers as you fly up to the roof of a pavilion. You stand at the edge and honk loudly down at them, splashing around in the pond on their back. The fish are hiding. Good. 

You poop on the roof to show it who’s boss. It is you. You are the boss.

Lan Qiren, as usual, is trying to avoid his impending qi deviation in the arms of a few disciples, whilst shouting angrily (not-shout, shouting is not allowed in the Cloud Recesses, he is just Talking Sternly And Projecting His Voice For The Outdoors) about how this devil must be possessed by the vile spirit of Wei Wuxian, come back from beyond the grave to torment them with his horrible Noises and Crimes. 

Lan Wangji, in the meantime, is peacefully playing his guqin in the porch of the jingshi, observing the chase and providing musical accompaniment to the goose’s honking. “Hanguang-Jun!!!!” the disciples cry out, “Please, these disciples beg your assistance, this weird bird is immune to any of our techniques, please play Cleansing!!!”

“This will be good training for the disciples.” Hanguang-Jun declares with all his calm, poise and composure, “And rememeber, Shouting is not allowed in the Cloud Recesses. Running is not allowed in the Cloud Recesses.”

After a while, one of the disciples comes up with the idea of trying to lure it with food.

“Do Not Consort With Evil.” Hanguang-Jun supplies, still playing his beautiful duet with the goose.

Lan Xichen, in the meantime, almost has a heart attack when he arrives from Qinhe to find the Cloud Recesses covered in a suspicious amount of Fire and Feathers and Screaming Disciples and thinks they’re under attack again, until he spots The Goose honking from atop the pile of treasure he’s amassed in front of the jingshi, crying disciples rolling on the floor around it and Wangji playing his guqin. 

Absolutely, yes, that’s exactly what he does as soon as Xichen gives him a knowingly disappointed “Wangji…” :P

And then later on when anyone complains: 

“Pets are forbidden in the Cloud Recesses.”

“I mean, fuck, I still wake up shivering in the foetal position. I’m incredibly grateful for the opportunities I get. Getting drunk on someone else’s dime listening to ABBA is brilliant, but my life is still shit. I’m still agonising. What the fuck am I doing with my life? Where do I belong? Who gives a fuck? Let me assure you, it doesn’t get any better.”

It looks unweildly, Hanguan-Jun has to reach around him to get to his desk and it certainly can't make the important things Hanguan-Jun needs to do any easier. (Wei Wuxian seems to be working on some kind of project as well, doubtlessly something nefarious, though from what you can see of his notes it seems like a talisman to determine how soon fruit will spoil?) Occasionally, Hanguan-Jun will reach up to toy with the Yiling Patriarch's infamous red ribbon, or stroke fingers through his hair

After a while people learn to listen at the door before they go in, because Wei Wuxian is apparently unable to keep silent for long and will always demonstrate his presence if he is there:

"Lan Zhan, Lan Zhan, quit shifting around, I'm going to smear this talisman"

"My leg is falling asleep, Wei Ying"

"Ah, but you're the most comfortable like this, so you simply have to put up with it."

"Mn, is this so?"

"If you want me to move, I will extract payment in kisses- alright, alright, I'm moving! Ahh, help! The mighty Hanguan-Jun has tricked me into-MMF!"

google how-tos - wei wuxian edition