i'm toxic

Not once has Robby kicked out Dennis after they hook up, and Dennis doesn’t bother to politely offer to leave. So Dennis stays the night each time, ever since the first time. It shouldn’t have felt so comfortable as it did crowding into Robby’s bed and his space; laying his head on Robby’s chest like he always belonged there. 

The sex feels more personal too. It’s unspoken but they both prefer to face each other; either missionary or Dennis in Robby’s lap clinging to broad shoulders and panting into other’s skin. It feels way too intimate. Robby sometimes feels that one night he’s going to undress and all his secrets will be tattooed across his body. So he kisses deeply and holds Dennis tightly and lovingly, letting his body communicate what his words cannot.

Robby doesn’t know that when Dennis can’t sleep he traces careful fingers along his temples where the smile lines live. And Dennis doesn’t know that when Robby can’t sleep he likes to memorize every soft curl of Dennis’ hair and wishes for something impossible. 

Some mornings when Dennis catches a look in Robby’s eyes that is just on the wrong side of vacant, he tugs a little on the older man’s wrist - trying for connection. Dennis will always make a small promise for something in the near future; I can stop by that coffee place you like before work, I liked what we did last night, we should do that next time. We still going for drinks with the day shift after work today? Sometimes it’ll shake Robby out of his dark mind; he’ll nod and smile before kissing Dennis. Dennis tells himself that that’s enough - he’ll patch up Robby’s invisible wounds with these small reminders that he has community and love surrounding him. 

They are not shy about saying sickenly sweet things in the bedroom when the lights are turned off. No qualms about calling each other ‘baby’ when their minds are slipping away from them in pleasure. 

And if Robby looks at Dennis like he is the center of the universe they don’t speak on it. When Robby holds Dennis’ face in big hands, caressing his soft cheeks so reverently they don’t acknowledge the tenderness. 

Sometimes this thing feels so fragile and too precious to even look at. One wrong move and it’ll shatter like tempered glass. Little did either of them know, they’ve developed something unbreakable. 

There is one night where Dennis comes over to Robby’s as usual. It’s routine and known by now; they’ve created a familiar rhythm. But that night Dennis felt out of sorts; either he didn’t fit in his skin quite right or his mind was spinning out of control. 

So when Dennis came over, falling into Robby’s open arms. He looked up at soulful brown eyes and quietly said, “I don’t think I want to have sex tonight.” 

Robby, understanding as ever, simply said, “okay. What would you rather do? Anything you want, Den.” I want you. I want you forever. That’s what I truly want, Dennis thought dangerously. 

“Um, can we watch something until we fall asleep? I need a good cry actually,” Dennis answered as he balled his hands up in Robby’s hoody. 

“Something that will make you cry. I can find something,” Robby contemplated. He leaned down to kiss Dennis’ eyebrow. 

After a bit they are settled in Robby’s bed with Train Dreams queued up. Dennis was tucked in close and perfect into Robby’s side with the other man’s arm wound tightly around him. 

As promised the movie did make Dennis cry. It felt good to cry - to let some of these pent up feelings spill over. When it was over, Robby squeezed him and asked, “did you like it?” 

Dennis sniffled and nodded, “Yeah, that was really good.” 

“It’s one of my new favorites,” Robby said simply. 

A comfortable silence fell over them - Dennis slid down to lay on his side as Robby opened his book that he’s in the middle of. Dennis let more and more tears flow because even though he’s laying in Robby’s bed, feeling his warmth and a hand occasionally petting through his hair, his heart never ached so bad. Why does having some of the whole of Robby hurt a million times more than never having any piece of him at all?

He stares at the older man with tears still leaking out, letting his thoughts run free. God, I’m so in love with you. Do you know? I tried to reason that I just idolized you since you are such an amazing doctor. But no, it’s more than that. Yes, I admire you and look up to you, but I want all of you. Your mind, your body, your affection, your attention. Everything. I want to be your everything too. It fucking hurts, like being gutted. I need you to end this. Put me out of my misery and kill this impossible dream because I’m too weak to do it myself. I want all of you - I want to have sex with you without a schedule, I want to get you through hard times, I want to be fully yours. I want to marry you and have kids with you. This is absolute torture. 

Eventually something had to give. That moment came in the form of a car accident that Dennis got knocked out cold during. He was driving home long after the shift ended to catch up on charts. He got t-boned in an intersection - the other driver running a red light with no headlights on. 

It only took about 12 minutes to get Dennis back into the trauma room of the Pitt. Jack was on him as soon as the ambulance pulled up. Unsure of who to call for Dennis - he called Robby. 

Dennis woke up to the familiar sounds of the ER and was immediately confused. He left didn’t he? He got into his car, he didn’t go into the on-call lounge. Then a relentless wave of nausea took over and he grabbed a plastic container that was within his reach and threw up into that. When his stomach stopped churning he sat back asking the burning question, “What the fuck?” 

“Den,” Robby said softly, not wanting to spook Dennis and being unsuccessful. He moved to sit on the chair next to Dennis’ bed. “You had a bad car accident and you’re just waking up from it. Do you remember anything about it?” 

Panic set in; Dennis takes in everything - that he’s the patient, he’s got IVs and monitors hooked up to him. That he doesn’t remember a fucking thing. He looked at Robby with big teary eyes. “No, I don’t.” 

“Okay. Yeah, Jack suspected you’d have a pretty nasty concussion. So far though, nothing too bad; a broken wrist and your ribs will hurt like a bitch for a while,” Robby reported. 

Dennis tried to take a deep breath and winced - there’s the pain. “You came? How- why?” Dennis asked, confused because Robby had left two hours before he did.

“Jack called me and I probably broke every traffic law getting back here,” Robby said and his breaths became ragged. Now his eyes are shiny with tears. “I don’t  think I’ve ever been so scared, Den.” 

“Hey,” Dennis whispered, holding his hand out, it slightly pulled the IV. Robby took his hand, carefully cradling it in between both of his. “I’m okay. Thank you for being here. I’m sorry I scared you.” 

Tears spilled from Robby’s eyes as he slowly nodded and shut his eyes, holding Dennis’ hand to his damp cheek. After a few minutes, Robby was able to breathe normally again. He made eye contact with Dennis - first just taking him in being alert and awake, albeit a little banged up and exhausted. 

“I love you. I’m sorry. I know I shouldn’t. I just needed to tell you,” Robby confessed. 

Dennis wiggled his hand from Robby’s grip to hold the older man’s face in his hand, “I know. I love you too. Please don’t say sorry. I’m so in love with you, baby.” 

Robby choked out a new sob in relief. “Thank god,” he said with a laugh. Dennis smiled weakly - all of the pain around his heart fluttering away. 

“Not to be one of those patients, but when can I get the fuck out of here? My head is killing me and I just want to sleep in your bed,” Dennis asked Robby. 

Robby took his cue to jump into action. He stood and bent over to kiss Dennis’ forehead. “Let me go bully Jack into discharging you, Then I’m taking you home, baby.”