Diary of a Wallflower

everyone in a ten mile radius:

this dog that i dogsit for is an actual angel sent from heaven, evidence:

he’s 100 lbs and so gentle i don’t need any special collar or leash or harness to walk him, ever

he was meant to be a service dog but he was too shy so he became a rescue, can u even imagine

so well behaved he waits for me at the tops and bottoms of flights of stairs until i tell him it’s okay to go ahead up/down the next flight

he somehow communicates to his dads how much he loves me bc they tell me every time i leave and they come back he’s sad ?? my son !

he knows that if it rains or snows or he gets wet he needs to wait at the bottom of the stairs inside their condo to be towel dried

he is trained to towel dry himself; i hold out the towel and he wiggles his body through it back and forth until i dry his tail and that’s his signal to go ahead and go inside

loves pets and attention but is shy so once given pets and attention basically loses his mind and rubs his face all over you while not knowing what to do with his entire 100 lbs self

always a slut for chin scratches

spots of white on chest and toes and chin

will pretend to be scary at men when they come into the house until i reassure him it’s ok

other dogs Love him bc he’s so big and so sweet and so chill and it’s fun to walk the best looking dog who is also the nicest dog while everyone around you is like “wow ur dog is so cool” like thanks i made him

Davos: This is Jon Snow

Mistress Nerissa June 16, 2013

Creating a Sexual Masochist

Creating a sexual masochist is a process. Some masochists are sexually stimulated by pain, but many are not…initially. There are plenty of masochists out there who enjoy pain, can take a lot of pain, but cannot bridge the gap to find sexual pleasure in the pain. If you find that your partner falls into this category and you want to control their sexuality through pain, there are some things you can do to encourage this transition.

Please note that these suggestions are what I have found to be true in My experience and the experience of others with whom I’ve conferred, but it is by no means exhaustive!

Process

Sexual stimulation is a large part of this process. The goal is for Your submissive to be sexually aroused during impact play, or at the application of pain. If this does not happen naturally for them, then You can train their body and mind to associate pain with sexual pleasure. One of the easiest ways to do this is to apply a small amount of pain to their body, either clamps or impact to begin, but keep it light…just a small pain that is noticeable but easily endured. Then sexually stimulate them either with your hand or a vibrator…whichever you prefer. Once they respond (women get wet, men get hard), then increase the pain marginally.

If you are using nipple clamps…either tighten the clover clamps, or change out the clamps to something a little tighter. There are many types of clamps out there for this purpose, or if You are using clothespins, a simple rubberband on the clothespin will work, just roll it closer to the nipple to tighten the grip. If You are using impact, I have found that it is easiest to have them standing so that I can stand to the side of them, manually stimulating with one hand and paddling/caning with the other. Another way is to have them on their hands and knees. Either way, make certain that You are comfortable, for these sessions need to be long and slow.

How long these sessions last is up to You, however keep in mind that the goal is to create sexual arousal, so keeping Your submissive aroused during the session is a must. The moment their pain overcomes their sexual arousal, you have gone too far.

Once the initial phase of introducing pain and sexual stimulation is achieved, then the next sessions should focus on less sexual stimulation and more pain. Just give enough stimulation to keep them aroused while applying more pain. You may find that arousal dims with increased pain, or You may find that certain types of pain are not as effective as others. In My experience, certain areas of the body take more time to train than others. Depending on the sensitivity of Your submissive, their headspace, their personal fantasies, etc., You may find one area which when pain is applied, no arousal can occur. Focus first on those areas where You are able to achieve their arousal, and if You cannot find one that works, look for another. This process is lengthy and may take months or even years to achieve. Usually, some level of arousal can be created in a matter of weeks.

The other part of this type of training is to stick with what works. If You find that a particular implement is effective, then stick with that implement. Trying to alter the toys, bring variety to Your play, may have a negative effect on Your submissive’s ability to achieve arousal through pain, especially in the beginning. And if You are still having difficulty after several sessions, You may want to alter the type of pain. For example, if you are using a stinging type pain, try something thuddier, or vice versa.

Once You find that they have achieved the ability to be aroused, gradually increasing pain and decreasing manual stimulation is important. Their brains are now able to connect pain with sexual pleasure. You may have to stimulate every so often, but it will not be as much as before. As each session proceeds down this path, You are altering the core of their sexuality. This will enable them to experience their sexuality with more depth and breadth than before.

Talk to Your submissive after each session, especially the first couple, and see what is working and what isn’t. Find out what their headspace is like. Don’t assume that because one session didn’t go exactly as you wanted that the technique is faulty…sometimes, it’s the timing.

I prefer to manually stimulate My submissive, however You can have them masturbate for You while you apply pain. This may be effective in the beginning, however, in the end, when You are attempting to decrease the stimulation and increase the pain, this may be a hindrance, so consider all of Your options before proceeding down this road……………..

I’ve been promising this post for a while, and since this isn’t a high school term paper, I’ll launch right into it.

Dany is kinky as fuck. She can swing either way but leans dominant. This is not designed purely to titillate the audience, but rather it’s an integral part of who she is. The show devotes most of her screen time in two early episodes specifically to her discovery of this side of herself. Only after she discovers and acts on this side of herself does she become a leader. This is culturally important because unlike most other female characters on TV with sexually dominant streaks, she shows emotional complexity, vulnerability, and other dimensions to her sexuality. She sends the message that it’s okay for a woman to have these tendencies; that it does not make her a bad person, or erase all of the other aspects of her personality that make her a woman. Consequently, it sends the message to men with complementary inclinations that it’s okay to be attracted to dominant women, and gives them an example of some of the positive traits they should look for in potential partners.

There are a couple of scenes where it’s so obvious that if you don’t pick up on it, I simply can’t help you, and you might as well just stop reading now. Here are just a handful:

Even if you know very little about BDSM, these scenes pretty much beat you over the head with it. Dany enjoys a good grovel, and examining penises at her leisure, even if she has to order carry-out. But this is just HBO “sexing it up,” as HBO likes to do. It actually goes much deeper than that.

I run a blog that promotes femdom-themed Game of Thrones fanfiction, and I know I will be accused of reading things into scenes that aren’t there. So to show you I’m not a crazy, drooling pervert, below are all of her scenes from S1E2, and the first one from S1E3 (closed captioned so you don’t need sound). If you watch them all sequentially, you’ll see this side of her come out clear as day.

To put this in context, Dany in S1E1 is passive, scared, and miserable. Viserys and Illyrio marry her off to Drogo, who treats her like a piece of meat. Her second-to-last scene is S1E1 is her wedding night with Drogo where he rips her clothes off and she starts crying. The last scene is her getting fucked from behind, also while crying, while Drogo shows her basically no emotion at all.

But here’s her first scene in S1E2 that involves dialogue, when her awakening begins:

It’s never said outright, but it’s clear that she’s beginning to sense that her dragon eggs are more than just novelties. Most people probably picked up on that, at least on their second time through the show. But look more closely at the conversation. 

They start out talking about dragons and Dothraki mythology. Dany is half-listening, half staring at the eggs. Then Irri says, “moon is goddess, wife of sun.” (As in, powerful female figure; also what Drogo ends up calling her as a pet name)

Immediately after that, she looks over at the eggs one more time, then kicks out everyone but Doreah. The conversation then goes more or less as follows:

Doreah: I’m good at fucking, you know. Viserys hired me to fuck him on the regular. Being in touch with your sexuality can give you quite a bit of leverage over a man.

Dany: [giving no fucks about Viserys]: Teach me how to fuck good so I can get some leverage on Drogo.

Doreah: Sure.

Then she looks back at the eggs. There’s a connection in her mind between learning about her sexuality, and the eggs. They’re both calling out to her. They’re offering a taste of power, which she’s never had before now.

The next scene is Doreah “teaching” her as promised:

The lesson here is four parts: 

1) It’s all about eye contact (which, if you’ve ever watched Dog Whisperer, is also how animals establish who’s the alpha). In fact, even if you give the greatest blowjobs in the world, that’s still nothing compared to what you can do if you know how to shut a man’s mind off with your eyes; 

2) don’t be passive, get on top; 

3) “make him like it” if he bitches about it; “don’t make love like a slave”; and 

4) fuck what most women do [i.e., submit to your husband and don’t worry about getting what you want out of sex], you’re not most women. 

Also, and perhaps even more importantly, notice what Dany does when Doreah tells her to get on top. She pauses for a second, and then once Doreah’s guard is down a bit, flips herself on top so quickly that Doreah (a professional sex worker) is taken aback and gasps. Dany looks down at her, almost like she’s thinking about going further but restraining herself, lest she get carried away.

Yes, professional sex workers get paid to act more impressed than they really are, so she’s a master of the disingenuous gasp, but Doreah has no incentive to do that here. Dany’s not a “client” in the traditional sense. Doreah is Dany’s “Syrio Forel” in this context, and if anything, if Dany was doing a shitty job, Doreah would have just come out and said it. For a girl who seconds earlier was doubting whether she could ever do anything like this, it’s dramatically out of character. Something ignited in her after Doreah encouraged her to assert herself, and put Drogo’s needs second to her own. (In fact, that’s probably the exact opposite of what Dany was expecting from the lesson.)

Dany likes being on top, and wastes no time demanding that of Drogo. This is the very next scene:

“Girl on top” doesn’t necessarily equate to “female dominant BDSM.” Plenty of people fuck in this position who aren’t into femdom. But it’s not about the position in itself. It’s notable for two reasons:

1) Dany wants to “look upon his face,” i.e., to be able to make eye contact with him. Because she realizes the importance of eye contact. In fact, eye contact is what makes Drogo stop trying to simply rape her.

She looks him in the eyes and tells him what she wants. Physical size, cultural gender norms, previous experience all go right out the window, and suddenly this short little girl is telling the most powerful man in a thousand mile radius, “if you want to fuck me at all, you’re going to fuck me the way I tell you to. I don’t care how big or important you are, this is how it’s gonna be.” (It’s an even bigger deal in the books, where she does it in public, so the whole khalasar knows who’s in charge.)

2) This is the first time in the entire show that Dany asserts herself in a meaningful way. Before this, it’s all about gritting her teeth and finding a way to get through the pain while men take advantage of her–both during sex, and in life in general. Over the course of the whole series, Dany’s character may show many flaws, but “not assertive enough” is certainly not one of them. 

It’s not a coincidence that her assertiveness starts to show itself not after the dragons are hatched; not after Drogo dies and she has no choice; but rather, after the scene where she starts to figure out how she finds sexual satisfaction.

But the assertiveness goes beyond the bedroom. Here’s her next scene, in S1E3:

Four scenes ago, she was basically a prisoner. She was getting raped by her own husband, who took it as a given that that was simply his right. Now she’s stopping the whole khalasar “until I command otherwise,” because she saw something that offended her, and wanted to see what was going on. She then proceeds to establish herself as the true heir to her dynasty after Viserys gets curb-stomped by one of her bloodriders.

But here’s the culturally significant part: the thing that offends her so much is slavery. In fact, it offends her so much that she takes a detour from conquering Westeros and spends at least a year trying to outlaw it in an entire region. And what does she do when her bloodrider offers to kill Viserys, then strongly suggest she have his ear cut off to “teach him respect”? She shows him mercy. 

Why does this matter? Because BDSM is so commonly associated with the notions of the “master (or mistress)/slave” relationship, and “punishment.” And while that may be all well and good in people’s fantasies, and while many people engage in BDSM “scenes” where those themes are front and center, there is a difference between roleplay/fantasy and reality. Viserys was a very naughty boy in that scene, and in so many other stories, a sexually dominant female character could easily have killed or tortured him. In fact, they probably would have done it themselves, rather than let someone else do it, and the strong implication would be that they got off on it. And they almost certainly would have no problem with slavery, in fact they’d probably enjoy having slaves of their own.

But Dany isn’t most sexually dominant female characters. She is a specific rejection of those tropes. She’s not a temptress, or a villain. She realizes that there’s a difference between having her way and turning people into property. She understands the importance of giving people a chance to change their behavior before inflicting pain on them. She’s not a sadistic, sex-crazed caricature of a “camp dominatrix.” In fact, later in the series, she takes one of the best-known symbols of the dominatrix stereotype–the whip–and casually tosses it into the dirt and rides away.

Because Dany hates whips. Whips are corny and trite. Whips are what the woman used in Venus in Furs back in the 1870s. Whips are what comic book illustrators gave female superheroes in the 1970s, when they wanted to accommodate the demand for more women who weren’t damsels in distress, but also make sure those women were still seen by the majority of readers as sex objects.

It’s no coincidence that the show devotes four consecutive scenes and all of her screen time in a whole episode to Dany exploring her sexuality. It’s no coincidence that what she ultimately finds is that she likes being in charge. And it’s no coincidence that her sexual awakening is tied both metaphorically to her dragons, and literally to her emergence as a leader in her own right; not merely as someone else’s wife or sister.

What does this mean for her inevitable relationship with Jon, or the overall “end game”? Probably not much! Dany is (lamentably) never going to walk Jon around Winterfell on a leash. She won’t kill the Night’s King by putting a cigarette out on his tongue. Jon will not miss the climactic battle because he can’t get Dany’s foot out of his mouth. Jon has some sexually submissive traits of his own, which I’ll address in another essay, but the reason Dany as a Domme matters is for the “real world” messages it sends:

1) Yes, women actually are into this; it’s not just professional sex workers.

2) It can be a critical aspect of your personality.

3) But it’s not the be-all-end-all of your personality–Dany still has plenty of insecurities, makes plenty of mistakes, and struggles with plenty of challenges that have nothing to do with sex. As does anyone else.

4) BDSM is more complicated than hurting people for fun, and ethics are an extremely important part of how you practice it.

5) But if you do practice it ethically, it does not, in any way, make you any less of a good person.

I hope, as someone who didn’t learn those lessons until years after I started working out my sexuality, that Dany’s character will lead to more like her in the future. And I hope that future femdom-inclined people will learn those lessons much earlier, and not have to go through years of shame, trying to “fix” something that wasn’t broken, lying to partners and myself, and truly toxic relationships that I did before I found someone to spend the rest of my life with.