arycultx ྀིྀི

Summer, I hate this season with the slightest doubt in my mind

I hate the sweating and I hate the heat

I hate wanting to change my clothes after I sleep because I'm soaked in my own sweat

I fucking despise it all

But

I do not want to be so harsh

Because what different am I than the sun if I can't hold myself and my heart?

It's warmth makes sitting in a room unbearable but consequently it lets in the most beautiful light into the same room

It makes me question every bad thing that has happened to me

Perhaps every bad event had a good lesson

Perhaps I was too naive and involved in the heat that I almost forgot how sweetly the room lit up

How the rays hit the wall and suddenly I didn't want to focus on the heat I was boiling in

It's harsh to simplify

But sometimes I do understand that maybe the sun meant no harm

Maybe the sun intended to smile

And maybe none of us took it that way

turns out you weren't even worth the wildflowers i picked for you

let alone the fruits i carved your name into before eating them selfishly

whether all the people i left behind for you were even mine to begin with

whether

all the pleading and requesting was in fact

just pathetic begging

whether

all my efforts only seemed like actions to you

the end of my bleed meant nothing to you

nor did the end of my cancer

it was your own convenience

and i couldnt stop you

i couldnt change you

nor could stoop to your level

you'll always remain in my mind as a useless memory

a waste of space

waste of time

waste of love

i couldve done things better if not for you and my vulnerability

they were right

i craved some loving

some support

i did

i came to you

i fell horribly for a man who only spoke to me if he wished to

a man who wasnt as head over heels for me and convinced me his distance is his obsession somehow because conveying true feelings is never easy for a man

or so they say

...

anyways

i messed up, lord

big time

i'll fix it all

it wont be fixed until he's gone though, right?

whatever i've started working on it already

and

you do not care

and

for some disgusting reason

i still hope you do

but i hope you rot instead

THEN

I GO

LOWER

I grit my teeth as my messy hair get in my eyes

The darkness makes it difficult to find the unconstrained strands of my hair that waved carelessly with the gusts of wind my fan released

My tears slowly sneer the edge of my eyes

Tempting my vase to turn red, urging my nose to water

I feel alone again

And you're once again the reason why I feel like this

I hate writing bitter nothings about these things, knowing you could always care less

Everything you do is about yourself and if not, it's for someone that's not me

It's like

You don't see me until I wave frantically at you

So I sit and wait patiently for you to text me back

Which you don't, so I'm being silly, feeling a familiar migraine rushing wine to my head and rivers to my eyes

Rolling around in my bed

Then my parents'

Hoping a notification makes me feel better

How sad I've turned out to become, no?

Desperately waiting for a text?

Is that my newest low?

It's almost so unbearably suffocating how helpless you make me feel

Making me feel guilty because you lacked

Like it's my fault?

And, I'm no less than an old dog with a dying body

But you already know that

You know how terrible my rot has gotten

I crave the validation of any being that dared to perceive me

Heck

I'd die for the monster lurking in the darkness of my room to come out and confess how I'm the best human he'd ever haunted

And

That monster will be better than you

He'll do the things you don't even think of doing with me

He will stare at me meaninglessly

Tell his other monster friends how he's hit the jackpot

How he'd never haunt another soul but mine

I know for a fact

When I'm sitting here

With music blaring in my conches as the darkness envelopes my room entirely

I know that as this sickly feeling devours my skin

Digs into my intestines

And I close my eyes as my throat dries

The monster will stay

He won't leave me just because I told him to go

He longs me much more than that, I know

He's such a gentle monster too

He won't ruin how I've kept my things

But he'll still clean the dust

Use it to cover himself so maybe I can see him one day

He tells his friends, "he's not good to her! I want her to be happy, and heavens must answer me when I tell them to make her smile!"

But

I'm being delusional

Maybe a tad bit narcissistic

Hoping someone sees me how I see myself

Treat me how I want to be treated and love me like I've loved everyone

But I won't digress onto how my love was stripped of me

I will be honest

Perhaps I'm incapable of being loved,

Perhaps doomed to never find my other half

Perhaps to suffer silently as I see these pairs of people have their joyous days

While I rot in this dystopian scenario

Get my flaws pointed out at

Cursed with a disease that I get taunted for

Yet no one sees my suffering underneath my skin

And that scares me

Have I excelled at hiding my emotions?

But then why am I crying now?

Oh monster

I wish at least you were real

I wish someone could knock some sense into him

I wish I didn't have to beg for love when I give it away so freely

How desperately I beg to be seen

To be spoken to

To be appreciated relentlessly

To belong to something

I repeat and slur on my words as I walk home in this putrid heat

Has the rot finally started seeping into my cranium, I wonder

My brain is slowing down, decaying by the minute, melting out of my ears

And as I stare at the stairs, I see the heat really get to me

Pacing my short steps

Pacing my shorter breaths

Tears stream as I recall how I'm not welcomed in my own home

Let alone someone else's

I'm become increasingly sensitive of the people and the places that wished i didn't come here

Like an uninvited guest,

Like the corner-keeper of the party,

I will leave soon

And I will return home

Where I'll occupy my room

I'll hold onto this corner now

Will I be this way forever?

Holding onto what's not truly mine?

As I stare into the bellowing depths of my own insanity

My bed calls for me

A white cotton bed sheet with pink flowers and green intertwining leaves, sun beaming on the lower end, making the mattress warmer

No blanket though

It's summer now

My shoulders ache to drop the heavy weight on my back

As soon as I do

My knees curl onto the edge of my bed

My pillows draw me nearer

Sweating profusely from the heat, my eyes widen as my unquenchable thirst to belong to something grows stronger

My body weakens as I climb onto the soft layers of my bed

I'll plop my vase onto the surface, my head hits the pillow and starts adjusting to the curves of my neck

It

Feels

Good

Like a mother's hug

Like a father's appraisal

The rot grows

It makes me feel like I'm worthy of this rest I'm about to get

For the first time ever

I feel like I'm a part of something

The sheets slowly wrinkle according to the turns I take to curl myself

It feels good

Even though it has no literal sense of life

It manages to adapt to me

It manages to make me feel like

It's not a big task to be involved with me

That I'm not a chore

I don't think any human could make me feel this way

The rot is getting worse

I wish the bed could feel what I feel,

I wish it could as one of my many favours hold my hand with its fabric

I didn't know how badly I've craved to be held with love

It didn't even have to be romantic really, just someone holding me because they have love for me in one of the little areas of their heart