Sutrenomía de Nostromio

I have been jobless for 7 months and my nemployment benefits end in a few weeks which meand that I will have to pack and go back to my parents because I’m not gonna stay here wasting money. I feel completely ashamed. I am a total failure. Everyone seems to do better than me and live decent happy lives and I’m here depressed feeling worthless like there’s no hope for me; this is the end of the line. You’ve reached your peak, you’re done.

I’m sick of being here. I feel completely alone. My housemates are antisocial and I’m always at home because my supposed friends never meet with me. I rarely see them. The only one I see regularly is a douchebag who cant even manage himself and ditched me on several occacions because he was hangover, made me wait for an hour, ruined plans by forgetting to notify me and left me out of a dinner because forgot to tell me the hour. I feel so alone and alienated, this city is depressing and I want to leave. Nobody I know like to live here. I tried recently applying for jobs in other places because I am sick of being here and the result was humiliating. I was rejected for one because I was too experienced (wtf) and for other one because as I always had short contracts they they thought I wouldn’t stay longer. Talk about stupid bullshit How do they know that? I was son angry and blocked not being able to find anything where I am and in this other city that I decided to look in my home country again. Which sucks. Absolutely sucks. Because everything is so corruptly nepotistic there that even if Linkedin tells me that I’m one of the 10% best candidates out of 12 (which I guess it’s 1.2? am I the best?) I am so sure that they won’t interview me. And it frustrates me more and more knowing that my qualifications that wow everyone and make me receive praise will be for nothing because I won’t even be looked at. An I made the mistake of looking in Linkedin people from one of the places I applied in my country to see the prolies of people working there. And it only served me to be more frustrated as I see people frash out of university landing good jobs while I have endured years of unemployment, subemployments, internships losing money and unstable jobs and other had it so easy from the beginning reinforcing the thoughts that make me feel inferior, worthless, futureless, guilty of having made so many efforts and sacrifices for nothing.

And even if I hate it and a couple of months ago that would have been my worst case scenario now finding a job back in my country is my best case scenario which shows how things still keep getting worse because I know I won’t get one despite my qualifications. COnnections are everything there and I don’t have one like the rich kids do so most likely I will be shunned in favour of less qualified, less experienced people and that’s so disheartening so awful to think that you’re worthless for everyone. Unneeded. Nobody wants to stay with you, nobody likes you nobody wants you. And all these negative thought flood my head and I dn’t know what to do to get ahead i sinking all the time and I feel ridiculous when people look at me surprised for not having had a job in 6 months because they never went through the same situations and can’t understand.

I’d go back to my country if I had a job there. Even if it’s a large drop in quality of life. Can’t stand it here anymore. I’d rather have my family closer to me and start anew in another city rather than wasting more time here. The jobs I applied to in my country ... I could so perfectly fit in them and even if the current climate and situation there is not my cup of tea I would go back. They will not call back. I’m so sure. Everything is a despise. I feel so inferior. Can’t stop thinking that others laugh at me by how dumb I must look in their eyes.

Somehow there’s always something that holds me clinging. Like, I see no future but then I found interesting jobs to apply. I think I’m not gonna get anything and I get an interview. I wonder for how long this torture continues. Destined to climb the job searching mountain with the rock of pressure after long moths of unemployment only to when I’m close to the top fall rolling and see that the rock is bigger this time.

Fuck, is it worth it wanting to go back to my country with a good job knowing that it’s doomed and quality of life will get worse there and probsly the country will collapse economically at some point? or is it better to stay here, have good quality of life and have a dead end job you don’t like? Good job in bad place or bad job in good place? What’s worse??

January: I started the year with a delay on the flight taking me back to my place from my parent’s home, arriving late at night and having to wake up early next day to work. That next day I also had a phone interview that went well. I discovered that one of my friends didn’t have his contract extended and was now jobless. I went to a small house party where I met someone that made me fall into a massive crush on that person. One week later I met with a friend and one of my crush’s friends to talk and she promised to organize another gathering. We went to dinner with some other friends and ended the night at one of them’s place. I did a second interview and got the job. We had a second gathering and tried to know her a bit better but didn’t go well since as a social butterfly she couldn’t keep her attention only on me. A friend went back to his country and the farewell party was a blast.

February: Opened a bank account. Started talking to my crush on Facebook trying to meet for a coffee (date). She was up for it but “rain check”. I went back home to pick more clothes and stuff since my stay here was going to be longer than expected. Did some shopping for new clothes. Came back. Started my new job. Super stressful from day one. Tough coworkers. They threw the kitchen sink at me from the beginning. Continued trying to get a date with her but always an excuse. Started to feel really disappointed because the conversation was stagnant and with more time between replies every time. A friend working at the same company started telling me that the way they were treating me was wrong.

March: I met my crush on the bus one day and I was surprised to see her taking that bus. We talked and she told me she had spent the night at a friend’s house. At that moment it stroke me that maybe they had something together and that was the reason she wasn’t much into meeting with me. The conversation was dead anyways and we stopped talking. I was obliged to work for a few days from 8am to 11pm and was told that I couldn’t consider that overtime. That made me talk to HR to ask what exactly was overtime because if 15h at the office is not overtime then what is it. HR’s answer was “yeah we get a lot of complaints in your team. Get some experience and then leave. It’s what everyone does”. That baffled me. Then HR talked to my boss and he scolded me in private for having talked to HR. I went out with my friends and did not enjoy myself at all. Loud, noise, drunk people, being tired, worried about my job. That day I saw the friend at whose house I met my crush. We caught up and told to meet more often because we were rarely meeting. We didn’t see or talked to each other the rest of the year. I continued working long hours but now at least I was being able to charge overtime.

April: At my birthday I took cakes, croissants and other sweets fro breakfast to invite everyone at work. They were impressed with it but some told me that I should have brought this when I joined and then also for birthday so I was still owing them another breakfast. You have to be fucking miserable to think something like that. I went to Frankfurt by train for 2 days for a training. We had dinner with the rest of attendants and I remember one girl rolled her eyes at something on of my colleagues said; I found it funny because that was my sentiments exactly. Continued looking for a new place to live. First, for a change, but second becaue I wanted to meet new people and I wasn’t feeling close enogh with my current housemates/friends. Registered in OkCupid.

May: A new guy joined the team. That forced me to sit on a different area and spend more time with a different part of the team. I went to play laser tag with my friends/housemates and it was great. I went to a corporate event with the rest of the division (not only my team). There was a second optional day but I didn’t stay for it along with many more people who returned by bus at the end of the day. My colleagues took great offense in me not staying for the 2nd day. I visited some properties during the month but none convinced me. A guy left at work because “he wasn’t happy there”.

June: Another guy joined at work. I had tickets for a concert and couldn’t attend because at work they set a training the same day in another city. Went to the training with all the team and after it he had a visit to a castle and an exhibit followed by a dinner. Then they continued the party and got drunk, caused a brawl at a bar, stole bottles and a flag from the hotel. Me and other guy went to our rooms and didn’t participate in that, which was considered “poor teambuilding”. Finally found a place to move. It wasn’t perfect but I wanted to move before summer and it was the best I could find. Also I wanted to meet new housemates. Everyday I was less and less happy with the people at my job. I didn’t attend a summer party at the office just to avoid spending time with them.

July: I moved to my new house. 2 days later I lost my job for “lack of integration with the team”. Independently on the quality of my work and the opinion that I was meeting expectations, the fact that some didn’t like me on a personal level mattered more. They all “hid” on a meeting room while I was packing but got out too soon and crossed with me. None of them said a word or looked at me. I found myself in a new house, jobless right at the bginning of summer (quiet period). So after a week sending some applications I went back home with my parents. Felt depressing to be back in summer, with no friends, jobless and having to think what to do next. Kept applying nothing much happened the rest of the month.

August: During the first half of the month I stayed with my parents. I received an invitation to some online tests for a job, which lit me up. Went back to my place by mid month. Registered for unemployment benefits as my contract finished mid-month (officially I was on holiday without having to return to the office at the end of it). Registering was an ordeal. Tons of paperwork to do and counselors to meet. Did an initial online interview for the job for which I did the online tests also. Met again with my friends and went out with them a couple of times. They said that I looked much happier now but I wasn’t feeling that happy.

September: Went out with friends again but that night I didn’t enjoy it that much. Continued doing the benefits paperwork which turned into a bureaucratic nightmare. I needed a document that I could only obtain if I had worked at my country of origin but I never worked at my country of origin so it was impossible to obtain. At the end, I had to translate the only document I could obtain from my country certifying that I hadn’t worked there and wasn’t receiving benefits. My closest friend took some holidays and the others didn’t care that much about me so for weeks I didn’t see any of them. Rained a lot during that time. I went to an agency for a job but the client company was under restructuring and the process was on hold. Did the interview for the role of the online tests and it didn’t go well. They asked me to wait as some people from other department say my cv and they were opening a job too and wanted to meet me. I went a week later to do tests for the second role. My unemployment benefits were finally approved. I started meeting regularly again with my closest. At home, I rarely saw my other housemates. They were coming home at late hours and leaving early or not very social and spending their time on their rooms. I went to a birthday party. Was crowded, loud and I didn’t enjoy myself there. I met a friend’s friend to help her with something she is studying.

October: I met with friends a couple of times. My closest friend ditched me a couple of times because he was hangover. I went to a music fair and bought several CDs. I went alone to a concert because nobody else likes the same music as me. I liked it a lot. During the concert I saw a really nice girl close to me. I thought about talking to her but I didn’t dare to. I imagined that she wouldn’t like to be approached by a stranger. I did an interview that went really well. I was praised for my knowledge and told that with this CV I could work anywhere I wanted. It gave me hopes that I could get the job. I discovered that the guy that was hired in May at my previous job had been fired too. Apparently they didn’t like him on a personal level, like me. I met for Halloween with some of my friends to have a drink.

November: The first day of the month I went to have lunch with my friend. He called me out of nowhere, made me shower in a rush; all of that to then make me wait for an hour. We took a walk after lunch and thought about going to a cinema that plays old films at some point during the month. My house was without heating for 2 days.  I went for a little walk and it was dark and cold. Almost got a cold. I had a ridiculous interview in which they didn’t understand my profile, the profile for the job was for someone totally different, I had to make a nonsensical test and they “sold me” that most of the time I would be making photocopies. What a disaster. Then, the next day I got the answer from the interview I was praised at in October. It was a no. It pissed me off so much because it was almost a practical joke. I was almost in tears. Then my close friend was out for the weekend so I ended up going to the cinema alone. I asked for feedback and they told me that the only reason was having been fired from my previous job. But they gave my cv to other team that was interested in meeting. After another fruitless week I went to the cinema with a friend. After, we went for a beer and he told me he was considering relocating to Berlin. A girl at the bar looked at me with a smile for a long period and made me feel a bit nervous and flattered but nothing happened. I went to the cinema the next 2 days too. I had the other interview with the other team and it was surprisingly short and superficial. I had another interview for another role on the phone and went well. Another visit to the cinema with a friend. During this month I was so down and depressed and hopeless that I forgot to buy a ticket for a concert I wanted to go to. It was sold out when I remembered and I missed it. So, before the same happening twice I bought ticket to another concert.