letters unread

my notes app has become the space where i write what i wish i can say to him.

it was so easy with you. i knew what i wanted.

one truth i know for certain:

i can pretend it’s easy now. to make fun of you with my friends. to say i am better off. to point out your flaws. but it’s pretending all the same.

i knew who i was with you. and even more importantly, i knew what i wanted to be.

you aren’t a freak.

you thought i only called you drunk because i wanted attention.

i’ve always been bad at goodbyes.

i am in a place surrounded by his name. his history. his family legacy.

i have berated myself for ever going back. for the drunk phone calls and persistent texts. for begging all over again. losing my standards. killing myself for a love that will never be consistent.

one day you’ll have to wipe the tears off your daughter’s face because of a guy who treated her like you treated me.

isn’t it strange how when we fall in love, our brains wire to each other? our hearts sync up?

it’s a different type of pain

our love was everything