the girl with the loud laugh

when you close your eyes you trust your body, you trust yourself. As we drift off into a bliss we do not expect to be greeted by them. Them

its different here, the stores are more crowded, there are more cars, there are twice as much inventory on the shelves at target, i know nobody and im walking around totally obliviously to how my much my life is going to change. i still keep in touch with my friends from back home but im here and they are there and life is just passing by and im so numb. i dont miss them, not because i dont like them but because im forcing myself to not think about them, otherwise i will break down and go in a downward spiral and i cant do that, not right now, not on christmas, not during the holidays, not now and not ever. i cant make myself feel otherwise who knows what will happen, no one. i just needed to write to someone out there, i feel lost but its ok im just drifting in and out till i make it like every other being on this big ball floating in space in the middle of fucking no where.

you rub your hand up and down my arm, such a soothing gesture, forcing the person to feel safe. you looked at me and told me it was ok to talk and let it out. thats so rare coming from you. you say you wanted me to talk. i should've known better. i shouldve thought before i opened my mouth. i shouldnt have been so gullible to think you actually cared. but i thought you cared because youre suppose to. i think i can trust you because youre my mom, so shouldnt i be able to speak up? not in my case. as i soon as i start telling you how i feel you beat me down, yelling, blaming me being unhappy on me instead of what is happening in my life. as soon as i opened up you made me want to shut down again because i just wanted to talk but you just were trying to find a way to twist my words and blame me. sometimes i ask for another mom, not because i dont love you but because i want to be treated better. a girl shouldnt fear her dad, choking everytime she tries saying something. im fucking 15 and i pinch myself to sleep just to feel something. cutting isnt an option because when dad sees he will call me weak. just another thing to add on his list of whyim a disappointment. i cant wait till im 18, not because im excited for bills, taxes, college, worrying where to live, but i wont be in a toxic household and ill learn how to speak up for myself because you always made me be quiet. its sad to me that i wish i never end up like the people who made me, watched me grow up, and supposedly “love me”. i dont think u dont love ur kids, i think you just have a fucked up way in showing you care.

i hope you understood, took responsibility like a fucking adult, and  apologized. i guess your pride is to far up your ass huh? 

sometimes i just want you to tell me im not a coward, disappointment, or a screw up. sometimes i want you to take a break from yelling at me. sometimes i want you to put the belt down. but you wont let me speak, never did and when i do you point fingers at me. 

its all me

Sometimes i regret asking you if u liked me, sometimes i regret kissing you, i wanna take back every smile laugh and touch and box em away in the back of my mind, but i cant. you're always on my mind but its not the same as it once was. now the thought of u makes me numb. all the times u hurt me, all the times u blamed me for things, telling me my flaws, reminding me of things i already knew,  and being an asshole, then apologizing when i was hurt by your words. in a way i was blinded because you treated me so well at first, but that act didnt last. you told me you would never hurt me, told me youd love me forever, told me youd wait, said you couldnt move on. more lies. its funny because you told me i could trust you then got mad when i didnt. ig i was just a convenience because you knew id boost your ego and keep coming back.