& you're cold & i burn

“ I’m not… ”  she couldn’t judge him. they had both done terrible things in their lives. usually it was her, with alex dragging her back from rock bottom. time after time, he had looked after her; this time she was doing what she could to look after him for a change. as if she could somehow read his mind, she murmured,  “ I don’t hate you. ”

she carefully cleaned each of his knuckles, making sure to debride each wound as thoroughly as she could. izzy didn’t speak, instead listening to alex try and explain what had happened. every so often, she glanced at him, expression difficult to read. despite his rambling, she thought she understood. she could only refer to jo, that much was obvious. if he had thought that deluca had been trying to hurt her, izzy could only imagine that alex’s quick temper would have been been easily sparked in the heat of that particular moment.

after applying a topical antibiotic to his hand, izzy reached for the gauze bandages she had brought with her. in the midst of doing so, however, she paused. a sound of frustration escaped her and she just squeezed the roll of gauze tightly.

“ I believe you. I do. I just… ”  she didn’t know what to do. izzy didn’t know that there was anything else she could do. she was already breaking the law—an intrusive thought that kept coming back around to remind her of the fact. that didn’t matter to her. what mattered was alexand she didn’t know how to help him.  “ I don’t know how to fix this. I can fix your hand but I just… it was bad, alex. it was really bad and I don’t know that there’s anything I can do to get you out of it if deluca presses charges. I hate that I don’t know what to do to help you. ”

     His gaze snapped up to meet hers, leaning in a little closer as she spoke. He felt almost desperate to hear what she was going to say, waiting anxiously for her to find the words that finished her thought. She wasn’t what? He couldn’t read her expression and he was beginning to fear the worst when she put his thoughts to rest. She didn’t hate him. He was sure he looked visibly relieved. It didn’t fix the problem at hand, not by a long shot, but Izzy deciding not to turn her back on him made him marginally less worried about what was to come.

     His eyebrows furrowed together in uncomfortable pain as she cleaned his knuckles. He recalled when he was an intern and the relationship between Meredith and Christina had made absolutely no sense to him. What was the use in being that close to someone without even getting to have sex with them? He’d teased them about it often, how they would call each other their person.He’d even remembered Christina saying something truly bizarre one night, something like if I were to kill someone, she’s the person I’d call to help me bury the body. He’d thought it was such a stupid thing to say, for so many reasons. Because nobody was killing anyone, because if she’d really been planning on killing someone it was kinda stupid to talk about it, because Meredith Grey was loyal, no doubt, but there was no loyalty that truly knew no bounds. That’s what he’d always thought. But now, as Izzy did her best to eradicate solid evidence that he’d been the one who attacked Deluca with a look of concentration painted onto her features, he thought maybe it made sense. Maybe Izzy would come if he called no matter what he’d done.

there was no doubt in her mind that she loved alex karev but equally,  there was no doubt in her mind that alex karev was driving her absolutely crazy.

jo knew that alex was a great guy and a good man,  unlike any of the men who littered her past in ways that she rather not bring up or ever have to remember in the first place.  he wasgood.  if anything,  his utter goodness seemed to be the flaw and the thing that was making her crazy:  not in the perhaps more expected way of paranoia that she didn’t deserve something like this,  because he made her happy and she wanted him to be in her life.  but it was the presence of another woman in his life.  meredith.  she knew that there was noromantic history between the two of them and they had been friends since they were both interns at the hospital,  but there was something about the level of utter comfort around one another that unnerved her,  that he has such an easy time fitting into her life whether it’s with her kids or sleeping in her bed.  she didn’t think that he would cheat on her.  that didn’t fit who he was as a person now.  but there was a part of her that had to wonder if he wanted whatthey had with her instead.

but the last thing that she wanted to do was argue about it with him again given that she had decided it was impossible for him to actually understand where she was coming from because he was completely blind to all things meredith.  all she wanted to do was go to work and try to forget about their fight with some gory case,  working with anyone but him or meredith.  she would beg stephanie to swap to matter what she had to do.  hopefully,  her friend would understand.  jo would have done the same when jackson had dumped her at kepner’s wedding.

“great,”  the brunette grumbled sarcastically as she stopped her search through her underwear drawer to try and find a clean camisole.  jo turned around to look at him when his mouth opened again,  arms folding in front of her ribcage and leaning back against the dresser.  her lips pressed together a thin line and a huff of air was pushed out through her nose.  “what is there to talk about?”  the question was semi-rhetorical.  “i’ve explained everything multiple times and you’ve made it clear that you have zero interest in doing anything other than constantly picking meredith.” 

     Alex did his best to keep the sigh that escaped him as quiet as possible. He rubbed his middle finger and thumb along his eyebrows, working on smoothing them out before his twisted expression gave him a headache. He knew she wasn’t happy they were stuck here together right now. Truth be told, he wasn’t either. He knew some couples took the approach of nobody leaving in the middle of an argument, but he didn’t think that was the type of thing that would work between him and Jo. But right now they were stuck together, and he wasn’t going to spend the whole day in the living room doing his best to ignore her when they had all the time in the world to try and work this thing out. 

     He glanced up at her when she turned to face him, his eyes moving up and down the length of her body once as she leaned back against the dresser and crossed her arms over her chest. That was never a good sign. He was taken aback as she claimed that he chose Meredith over her like it was some kind of intentional thing. “It’s not like that, Jo.” He rest both hands on his knees, leaning forward as he looked up at her. “You know it’s not like that or you’d tell me what I’m supposed to do here.” It wasn’t lost on him that in all the time since Jo had developed this issue with Meredith, she’d never once told him the solution to the problem. They both knew cutting his best friend out completely wasn’t an option, and it was hard for him to see the line between what was okay with his girlfriend and what wasn’t. He’d never had a best friend before Meredith, and while he guessed they did share a specific and special bond that transcended the normal bounds of friendship, he didn’t think they were doing anything wrong. Jo seemed to think otherwise. He couldn’t tell if it was a trust issue or a jealousy issue or if she just wasn’t interested in trying to hear where he was coming from. 

        “You´ll know what promise to make when it´s the right time.” Addison told him with a smile. She wasn´t here to tell him what to think, or what to want. This was their first date and she was aware she had no demands to make, even if they were there in the back of her mind. Well, not so much demands as things she wanted to, needed to hear. But they weren´t for her to demand. Because if she demanded them she was afraid he´d say them just to please her and that wasn´t how she wanted things to go down. Not with him.

          Looking over at him her lips curved into a soft smile as she held on to his hand. “I´m glad.” Not that Addison doubted he wouldn´t be a good plastic surgeon, he´d be a great one, for sure. But there was SO MUCH MORE inside of him. Something that was worth exploring and even though she´d been meaning to do nothing more than to teach him a lesson in the beginning she had seen the potential in him and Addison was willing to help him try himself out.

      “Well people have clearly been missing something awesome then,” She then added with a nod. “You´re a great doctor, Alex. Surely, patient skills is something you can work on, but during the time you worked with me they have drastically improved. And I think…” She trailed off for a moment. “You don´t have to be afraid to let people see your emotions. Of course we´re always told not to get attached, but…sometimes it helps to show a little empathy. Even if there´s nothing you can do for a patient, or their child. People will remember how you treated them and their loved ones,” She squeezed his hands. “I´m kind of glad I ended up putting you on my service,” She then chuckled.

     Alex pressed his lips together to keep anything stupid or snide from slipping out. He still wasn’t sure he knew what she meant, and it was so open ended that he could easily either rack his brain about what kind of promises she would possibly foresee him making or let the whole thing go without paying it any mind. That’s what he would normally do. The collection of debris of things he’d brushed off in past relationships was a mountain by now and still growing by the day, but it felt wrong when it was her. Somehow everything was easier but nothing was easy. He’d known from the beginning that she was never going to be a simple thing, but he hadn’t imagined having the kind of conversations that stuck with him. She said the kinds of things that kept him up at night, eyes trained on the ceiling early into the morning as he still struggled to wrap his mind around what she might have meant.

     “Maybe the problem is that I never know when the time is right.” That was a fair point. He did have historically bad timing. But even as he said it he knew it was a cop out of sorts, the thing he said to avoid the thing he really wanted to say, and he always felt like he was translucent while she was around. No matter how high and sturdy the walls he’d built for himself were, she could still see right through them. It was as uncomfortable as it was freeing.

     Something between a sigh and a scoff passed through his lips as she complimented him. It was the kind of sickly sweet thing he’d make fun of most people for, but somehow it still sounded genuine enough coming from her. “I’m not saying I blame them. The kind of person you thought I was when you met me…that’s not just how I come off. That’s who I am. Maybe It’s not all that I am, but it’s a part of me. I think for a long time I was convinced that I couldn’t be two things at once. Like, maybe that was dishonest.” And he’d always prided himself on being honest, if nothing else. He’d been going somewhere with this when he began, but he wasn’t sure he wanted to finish now that he’d become conscious of how long he’d been talking without coming any closer to an explanation. Even though she’d only just told him that he should try and be more open about his feelings and emotions it still made him uncomfortable, like he was oversharing things she didn’t really care to hear about in the first place.

april wouldn’t have assumed that alex would go off blabbing about it to just anyone given that he had been much better at keeping harriet’s pregnancy a secret than arizona had.  “i didn’t think that you would.  thank you.”  there was just that itch of worry for the judgment that would come her way.  she was happy,  she truly was,  but sometimes it was just easier to be happy about it when she didn’t have to worry about all of the questions and consequences.  she had felt the same way when she was pregnant with harriet.  her timing for this sort of thing never seemed to work out.  she had always heard that third time was the charm but that didn’t seem to be the way right now.  maybe it would work out for her later in life.

“figures.  i’m pretty sure i’m enjoying planning this more than both of you combined.”  but she had always loved organizing big events and figuring out everything that went into them.  most people would have found it stressful to try and pull it all together and some people paid quite a bit of money for others to do it,  but she was genuinely happy to do it for them.  when she had first met alex,  april would have never guessed that he would turn into the man he was today. “you’re you.  fussy little details aren’t your thing but you cannot honestly tell me that you’d be happy to have pink covering everything at your wedding or all the cheesy stuff i planned for mine.  you’re not flamboyant,  neither one of you.  you just want each other and the people you care about when it comes down to it.  am i wrong?”

     Alex merely shrugged his shoulders when she thanked him. It wasn’t necessary. There were people who got their kicks out of spreading people’s dirty laundry around the hospital. He knew that because he’d seen it. He’d had his own vices in the past but that had never been one of them. He didn’t typically care enough about other people’s lives to talk about them. That wasn’t exactly the case with April though. She was part of the select few people he didn’t talk about because he liked them. If someone would have told him during his residency that April Kepner was going to plan his wedding he would have laughed them out of the room. But now that it was happening it was clear she was the best person for the job. She was organized, she paid attention to details he would have thought were nonexistent, and most of all, she cared about them enough to give Jo the wedding she deserved.

      “That’s probably true,” he laughed. He was certain he could convince Jo to just elope with him, and he was certain she could convince him of the same. The main thing holding them back from that was the sense that they should do it right, and time and tradition told them this was the right way. And then of course there was April, who’d probably kill both of them with a scalpel if they ran off to city hall so late in the game.

   All that history she once shared with him seemed to be painted with the hues of a vintage sepia film. As if what had once happened was so long ago that she could put past the hurt her once put her though. After all, she was different now and so was he. He was the head of pediatrics and she was… back in Seattle once again. Yet, despite the years put between them, it almost felt as the ability for them to remain cordial, friendly, and keep in tact their mutual respect for one another never once went away. Maybe a part of her would always wonder : what could’ve been if she and Alex were together? Would they had been happy? Would they have had children? Would they had singlehandedly dominated the hospital? What seemed to feel like a distant past in times like this felt much closer than she would have ever intended for it to be.

   “Wilson, Wilson, Wilson…” Her brows furrowed slightly in thought, as if attempting to recall the name of this doctor. However, it barely rang a bell. After all, it hadn’t been long since she had returned to this hospital. So much had changed during her absence and there was only so little that she could keep up with from the words spread through the rumour mill. “No I haven’t. But, she does sound like my type,” Addison only chuckled, whilst making a mental note to herself to have her put on her service the next time she could.

   “Woah… Meredith has another long lost sister?” First thing that stuck out to her, causing her jaw to drop slightly. “Well, uh, who did they vote in to replace you?” That, was her follow up inquiry. Ever so nosy was Addison Forbes Montgomery. Finally, she allowed herself to take a deep breath at something that sounded even remotely comprehensible. “Yeah, she told me. Well, and Herman too. But I’ve heard. Well, if it’s anyone it’s her. She can do it. I know her.” 

     Alex could almost hear the squeak of the wheels turning in Addison’s mind as she tried to place Jo’s name with a face before ultimately giving up. “I’ll be sure to introduce you guys. Long as you don’t go telling her I was the worst person you’d ever met. I think if she hears anymore of those stories it might scare her off for good.” A good humored laugh followed his statement though, like audible evidence that he didn’t really think his girlfriend was going anywhere. She knew who he was well enough by now and the stories of who he had been hadn’t seemed to phase her for too long. 

    He snorted in amusement at Addison’s reaction to learning that Meredith had yet another long lost sister. It hadn’t been so funny when Meredith had been all weird and bent out of shape about it, but it was easier to laugh about now that the two were getting along. “Yeah, I’m starting to think there’s a whole army of half Meredith’s out there. Just as smart but not near as mean.” An easy joke at his best friend’s expense wasn’t one he would make to many people, but he knew Addison well enough to know that she would understand he was allowed to say those sorts of things in good natured fun. He huffed a sigh as he thought back to the day he’d been voted off the board. “Bailey. And before you say anything, I know. I had a whole room full of people defending their decision to me. It was still dirty.” He was sure Addison had some quip on the tip of her tongue about how Bailey deserved the seat more than he did. And rationally, he knew that now, but he still didn’t want to hear it. He’d burned with rage and the sharp sting of betrayal of so many people he worked with every day all in one sitting and he couldn’t help still being a little bitter about it. 

     Normally Alex would have relished a couple days trapped in the house so long as Jo was by his side, but they weren’t exactly on the best of terms right now. And what was worse, neither of them were the type to sit down and calmly work through their frustrations with meaningful words. No, they were both the blow up and stalk off until they cooled down type, which was normally fine, but being on the outs during a dangerous windstorm wasn’t going to fair well for them he didn’t think. He would have sworn he could feel the tension between them like it was a tangible thing, even when they weren’t in the same room. 

     It was easy for him to brush off her irritation as irrational because he didn’t really get it. Every argument they had lately seemed to boil down to one singular concern. Meredith. But there was no reason to be jealous, he was sure she knew that, so he was starting to think his best friend was just the thing Jo had decided to latch onto when she was really indicative of a much larger problem. But if there was something else, Jo wasn’t telling and he clearly wasn’t seeing it. He’d stopped trying to get anything out of her by now because they were only going around in circles without coming any closer to an answer, but avoiding each other wasn’t exactly possible right now. He could hear the wind whistling outside as he paced in the living room, his hands shoved into the pockets of his jeans as he heard the faint sound of Jo rummaging around for something in their room. He squared his shoulders, mentally preparing himself for the argument that seemed to be inevitable as he stepped into the doorway of their room and leaned against it. 

shivering, izzy leaned back against the wall, pulling her knees up against her chest in at attempt to make herself small. she already was—she had barely realized how much weight she’d lost in recent weeks until it was painfully apparent—but never felt like enough. izzy wanted the floor to simply open up so that the universe could swallow her whole, right then and there. anything to just disappear, she thought.

she wanted to laugh humourlessly when alex asked if she was okay or, better yet, if he could get her anything. he must have known immediately what a pointless question it was. there was nothing he could do to make her better. even bringing her here, trying to help her, wasn’t really asolution. she hurt in a way that felt like it would never go away. izzy was a self-fulfilling prophecy: she’d given up her child in fear she would only be like her own mother and, as a result, that was exactly what she’d become. it was almost as if she had turned around and purposefully sabotaged her entire life, just to justify the most difficult choice she’d ever had to make.

did she really want to come back from that? izzy doubted she was even able.

“ just go away, alex. ”  she purposefully refused to look at him. she felt ashamed, but part of it was just out of sheer stubbornness. izzy was seizing what little control over the situation that she still had, even if it meant lashing out at him. just a few seconds without him hovering and maybe she could figure out a way to go home, izzy thought. it wasn’t likely, but she hung onto the possibility like it was the very last shred of sanity she had left. maybe it was; izzy didn’t think she had ever felt so sick in her life.  “ unless you can make this stop, then go away. ” 

     Alex sighed deeply when she told him to go away. He’d been expecting the push back to begin at some point, though he’d thought it would come later than this. What would the next few days be like if she already wanted him to leave her alone? And of course, he couldn’t. His one job was to be here. And maybe it was suffocating, having someone right outside the bathroom door when she wanted to be alone, but he didn’t care. He’d rather be here when she didn’t want him to be than be somewhere else if she found herself looking for him. So instead of turning and leaving like she’d asked him to do he sat down on the bathroom floor with his back against the wall. 

     “I can’t make it stop. I know you know that. And I also know that you know making it stop isn’t really an answer, because it hurts for a reason.” He watched her as she spoke, even while she refused to look at him. They’d been through a lot together, more than most friends would survive, but he was beginning to wonder if this wouldn’t be the true test of their friendship. If their relationship made it through this intact then they’d be good from here on out. The thought alone was enough to make him square his shoulders in determination. He needed to put his own feelings about her problem aside and focus on her recovery. That’s what any half decent friend would do, right? 

She couldn’t help but keep her lips pressed against his, not wanting to pull back just yet. Izzie knew that the moment she pulled back that everything would begin to crumble. That was how these sort of things ended. You could never just act on instinct, not without some sort of thoughts or warning. But here she was, making up for the years she had wasted pushing herself away. Fingers knotted more harshly into his jacket, realizing quickly that she had hopped into this in the hallway rather than being smart about it.

“Yes. Yes, of course I want to do this over… But I don’t want to forget about what-” she stopped, feeling his hand pulling hers, she followed along with. Izzie took a deep breath before following into the break room, her back pressing against the door as she locked the knob. Teeth gnawed at her bottom lip. “I mean it, Alex. I’m not just… I’m not just saying things to get into your pants. I want… I want to be back here and I want to be happy and I want you and everything that comes with it. Do you not want that?” 

     Alex had no idea what to do as she assured him that she wanted to start over. He felt completely torn. Part of him wanted to jump in, no questions asked, just go back to her. The other part of him was filled with doubts. What if she left him again? What if Jo was right and she would somehow undo all the progress he’d made? And then there was Jo in general. How would he tell her? Maybe it was none of her business, but there was definitely something going on between them. Everyone could see it. Izzie clearly had. Jo was the first person who had felt real to him since after Izzie had left. Was it smart, giving up something new and exciting for something that had already failed so many times?