This is my new diary.
Who knows if anyone will ever find it that actually knows me! It is the day before new year and I'm very sad. Why...I don't know I think I made some bad decisions but also more aware than ever of my own actions maybe due to meds or knowing more about adhd. The feeling of being different although it drives deeper than that. I had so many things happen in my life, some things I can't even recognise in myself, did that happen? I had so many lows, things that just I wish I was making up sometimes. My life is so complex, such struggle but at the same time I love every hour I breathe because I might come up with something beautiful. My life feels like movie sometimes, I feel like day dreaming in cinematic moments... This year what happened... Here is my breakdown of 2025
I give up on Marcus, hes not coming back. That is okay through meeting Angelo and feeling so broken over it but really I was grieving Marcus knowing that the guy I knew is not there anymore and that he did leave. I just didn't pick up the phone, if Matthew was saying was true I think thats what calls were about then he went back. Timing... I was so happy with Jonny at that point. My heart hurt when I heard them words I thought what Romeo and Juliet moment but its not.. he would have drained me, I wouldn't been able to trust him. Now as Matthew said I wouldn't regonise him, I sent that email that probably didn't even get but if he did he choose not to reply which was the right thing to do.
I got rid of lot of people in my life. Some I was sad to see go but long term it is for the best they were bad influencers in my life. You have to be so careful of who you let in.
I spoke on stage I fucked up and then also did well. Overall realised I just need to keep going. I can do this I am talented and my head/heart needs some self love, I read my old letters so insecure, full of fear, hated myself, tortured myself. I was nailing it. I can do this but like when I watched Jim Henson film he worked himself to death and I know I'm close to doing that. I can feel it. That is my fate and if I don't find another love in life then that will be my fate. I need to search for love as it's probably only thing that will save me in the end. That will force me to be healthy and more future focussed.
My health is suffering this year I felt change, heart pains, I know I feel weak I stopped drinking but it's not enough I need to sleep I need to eat. I will do I will try.
Jonny is in bed I love him so much but it's clear that ship has sailed and I want it to be real but I cant, he cant. It is so sad he's everything to me but it's still not enough. How sad? With all the love and care I have for him it doesn't work. Nick still messages now that was sad mistake. Jonny I don't blame is in some way.
Anyway I hope I will write again. This was at least nice to do, I hope the future Claire is happier, I hope she hasn't got health issues, maybe found some love? Well at least loves herself a little more. I havent forgot to mention but I guess hard to. The death of Hayley, no words but I guess finding out that she killed herself because she feared to be alone and never have a family was another level of grief. She was so beautiful and forgiving, lovely person who gosh I was always jealous of. Just cant believe she's dead and it is really sad. Anyway gosh I'm crying now, I cried so much in the last week about so many things. I guess one moment I think it's all good and the next I think I'm on edge giving up all together.
I need to find my joy of being human again for sure. Not just worker bee. God speed Future Claire. You can do this. xxxx
No ai haha
