those dangerous games

me: *smacks my own butt* you are hot and irreplaceable

people who sleep with one pillow make me sick

people who sleep with more than one pillow are shown to be more lonely and depressed

honestly if I was walking through the forest and saw hozier there i wouldn’t even question it,, it’s where he belongs

shout out to all the people still following me even though im a fucking idiot

I can’t believe Beyoncé and I have gotten chubby at the same time in our lives like it’s synchronized tbh

If ur skinny right now it means that u and Beyoncé are not cosmically linked at all and that’s tragic to find out I know but it is what it is I’m sorry

I thought the Bermuda Triangle was going to be a bigger problem in my life when I was younger

me rollerblading into my therapist’s office this week with sunglasses and a piña colada: maurice, you’re not gonna fucking believe this,