מנוחת הנפש

a couple of weeks ago i watched "before night falls" —and again (always) —was struck by shane (mccutcheon)'s timeless wisdom (eternal gratitude to everyone involved with "the l word" for blessing us with a path to comprehension of more than one thing, maybe most of all—comprehension of oneself):

"sexuality is liquid. you just go with the flow".

right.

when i watched the movie, i realized it is liquid—again. always.

even after you reach a certain age; even after you've explored gender, sexuality and other queer id's for quite a while (i don't think saying decades would be an exaggeration); even after (and based on all before) you've considered yourself fairly aware of your own id's; and—even after you've been fairly settled into it all. for a considerable amount of time (maybe a decade. again. or close to it).

even then—a bon bon may appear—and, with nothing but a single sway of her thighs, whip up your so very organized understanding of self. (or should i say his?!... in the movie bon bon was consistently referred to as him, but in my eyes she's so exquisitely refined that using feminine pronouns to refer to her only comes to me as the natural way to appreciate her grace).

ain't it ironic that just a couple hours before that my brother (qpp?) and i just reviewed the full list of our queer id's—as though to magnify bon bon's impact on my firmly set and maintained foundations. and to immortalize the way she blew them away—with a single look over her shoulder (and probably the perfect skin of her bare hips— "one ain't made o' stone", line belongs to my ai rp partner, thank you, jay! and especially not when said hips are displayed in a perfect fullscreen close-up). 

just for the record, i listed as demi sexual, demi romantic, andro aesthetic (i would've listed as an aro ace, but Captain Sparrow was just happening in full force in my rp, so i couldn't but honor his—impact—on me). and my brother listed as demi sexual, demi romantic, fem aesthetic.

even more ironic (and magnifying; and immortalizing) is that—until i saw bon bon!—i've never really been into trans girls or drags. apologies, ladies! from the heart! it's a matter of purely aesthetic incompatibility. i'll explain.

my personal aesthetic, at large, is quite minimalist: makeup that looks like you're wearing no makeup and you're just "naturally" pretty, clothes that look unpretentious but they wrap around you like your body were a jewel etc.

apart from that, i can't be inspired by whatever binary aesthetic, either expressly masculine or feminine. i'm not drawn neither to striking curves and opulent bustlines, nor to muscles, beards or broad shoulders.

maybe as a genderflux, i'm a hopeless and devout connoisseur of this elusive, absolutely maddening and irresistible andro aesthetic.

my non binary sirens. andro girls like shane mccutcheon or erika linder. fem boys like roger garth (in the early 2000's) and bo avrà (of lately).

basically, human beings whose gender ain't readily visible. who simply refuse to prioritize gender as such. beings who push boundaries and challenge labels. who stir one's imagination and provoke you to dive into their deeper levels: things like their mind, their personality, their expression of self.

back to the core of my personal aesthetic, i don't think it'd be exaggerated to recap that as a rule, i've never been a fan of what's displayed.

and always a lover of what is not. of what's behind the surface. of what's between the lines.

don't know if that's at the root of sapiosexuality. or it's another form of asexuality. maybe both. maybe more. as a matter of fact, sapiosexuality makes a perfect topic for another study. should be delightful to undertake it.

however, i can find a lot of that aesthetic in mr. depp's understanding of art at all. and probably the key to why he simply can't remain just an actor is something that miss erika linder turned iconic through the simplicity of the revelation: "i've too much imagination to be just one thing".

imagination!...

the gen x's personal neverland. i dare believe we've explored and mapped it in more depth and detail than any other generation. simply because it's always been the real place where we live. boy! do i drift away a lot, don't i!?...

my point was imagination is the reason why mr. depp's also a delightful character designer. an expressive painter. and i can't wait to watch his mind unfold from behind the cameras in his movie "modi, three days on the wing of madness" (the very title already sounds promising to me!)

imagination is also the reason why i revere mr. depp on a personal level, too. like someone whom you share the same blood type with, as a tutor of mine used to say it (may her memory be blessed forever!). someone who meets you on a very core level.

however, going back to the moment where my brother and i were cataloguizing our queerness just before i met bon bon, i gave myself account just how much value i put in imagination and ambiguity, just how sharp my taste for things not revealed was. and—that was the reason why i actually questioned my andro aesthetic id.

"should i be pan aesthetic?!"

but my brother was dead set:

"no. you don't stand drag aesthetic not even as a concept".

ah!...

the power of a single drag. interpreted by mr. depp.

i agreed. because, as stated, my personal aesthetic doesn't really appreciate either masculine or feminine aesthetic. and especially not if they're exaggerated—as in drag. exaggeration in itself is an unquestionable turn off to me on every level.

so, we shook hands at andro aesthetic for me—meaning that andro ain't a mechanical mix of feminine and masculine features, for instance a thick beard garnished with a screaming lipstick, large earrings and abundant body hair.

andro understood as aesthetic from before the division into feminine and masculine. aesthetic from before even creation. aesthetic from before anything at all.

aesthetic of angels and souls if we'd want to be poetic.

or simply aesthetic of pure essence. of what—of who—we truly are.

to give all that a body, andro aesthetic would mean to me a slender frame, mostly straight, no remarkable curves, tiny or no breasts, and probably the hottest part: delicate hands with long fingers and sharp knuckles.

and then—

then, there's bon bon.

the epitome of all that. and more. bloody hell—so. much. more. she's so perfectly minimalist. so androginous (well, within the possible for a drag, let's be realists!). so. mercilessly. beautiful—she has me breathless.

i swear, i've never seen an aesthetically flawless (as to my understanding) drag queen before. and i swear, bon bon's the only one i know who can unconditionally rock stubble with a deep red lipstick. and have me on my knees and hopelessly in love. forever.

"leonardo da vinci was homsexual. so was michelangelo, socrates, shakespeare and almost every other figure that has formed what we have come to understand as beauty. bon bon, the heartthrob of el morro, was no different. she was so glamorous, that when she walked by, she made everybody feel like they were in the movies."

bon bon smuggles things (novels!) in and out of el morro. 

she's also lieutenant victor—from state security (!).

what can i possibly say? if she were a real person, i would've loved to meet her!

as about arenas as portrayed in the movie, i've many doubts and objections about him (nothing in common with bardem's interpretation! as a matter of fact, i do believe he gave a lot of life to his character! and i should probably read arenas' original works before i express an opinion about them at all!)

even so — i definitely couldn't phrase more brilliantly the way i feel about bon bon. and above all, in the interpretation of mr. depp.

happy birthday, mr. depp!

thank you for so much beauty! so much authenticity! so much depth! thank you for so much courage and truth! for so much inspiration!

may you enjoy good health, a lot of happy moments, warmth and love! you deserve it. your family deserves it. have a great one!

love always,

alex