transition journal

💉 481, right leg

I’ve been exercising and tracking my macros for at least two months (maybe 2.5 months) now. It’s been a lot of work, and I’m not yet where I want to be, but I’m proud of the progress I’ve made.

I typically do strength training four times a week (chest/triceps, back/biceps, legs, shoulders) and cardio once or twice a week (30-minute HIIT or a 2-mile run). Abs multiple times a week, but not daily. It’s all body weight and dumbbells (with the occasional kettlebell) because I’m absolutely not comfortable going to a gym right now. I walk almost every evening and try to get between 5k-7k steps daily, which takes intention given that I’m at home all day, every day.

Given my current weight and activity level, I try for ~100g of protein a day, which has been doable with Garden of Life protein powder (Sport line), tofu, Quorn meat substitutes, and a whole lot of non-fat Greek yogurt. I’ve seen muscle growth pretty much everywhere, but it’s especially noticeable in my chest, back, and shoulders.

Coming up on one year post-op. There really are no words for how top surgery boosted my self-confidence and improved my mental health.

Time passes so quickly. Recovery was frustrating while I was in the midst of it - couldn’t bike, couldn’t take care of my dog by myself, couldn’t do my job without constantly evaluating how much I was carrying and how far I was reaching. It seems like it was so long ago now.

My relationship with my body is a complicated one, but I don’t wish I had been born differently. I wouldn’t be as in tune with myself otherwise. Being trans is often a struggle, but it’s also a gift. I’m grateful to be here in this body.

The angles? They lie. (The hips, however, do not.)

I’d much rather just post the first one, but that would be intentionally misleading. I don’t want any fellow transmasc people to see that first one and think, “Where did their hips go? Why can’t my body look that way?” My hips are there; you just can’t see them when I twist.

I say this because I look at fit transmasc people and compare my body to theirs, wishing I could look like that, too (although I shouldn’t compare, I know). And some transmasc people do have small hips! It comes down to genes. Even if I lose a few pounds, my hips will still be there. My bone structure won’t change.

I don’t know if it’s the dysphoria or just good old-fashioned media-fueled body image issues (probably a combination), but this is cyclical. I get really into fitness and worry about food to an extent that’s detrimental to my mental health, then I ease up on the exercise and stop stressing quite so much about my diet, then I get back into fitness and worry about food to an extent that’s detrimental to my mental health, repeat ad infinitum. Started pre-t and continues now. I don’t starve myself, and I’ve never made myself throw up or anything like that, but I don’t have a healthy relationship with food.

Nearing one year post-op. Here’s how things are looking now. I’ve been using ScarAway (strips and then gel) on my incisions since the scabs fell off.