I'm Not a Street Rat

…it just kinda happened? I don’t know. And now there’s a kid coming. I know fuck all about kids. Simon keeps handing me Charlie and I keep thinking I’m going to drop him.

You’re a goddamn idiot. Let me get that out first. You’ve now tied yourself to Satan’s mother permanently. I didn’t even know demons could create life. I feel like we should call the Vatican. Like what the actual fuck? Goddamn.

….yep.

….I’d rather not say.

Way to be sketchy. A stripper doesn’t seem your styl... No. You fucking bitch, no.

You’re ahead of me a bit.

Who’d you knock up?

Check that there’s no gum on the chair first.

What is it, J?

I don’t know, I’m not a kid person.

…..so some stuff has occurred.

I feel like I’m going to need to sit down.

Do they do that…speak in code? I didn’t think they were cognizant enough for that.

Speaking of lucky, I’m not as lucky lately.

Jordan, they’re like two and a half. Kids start talking before that.

Well, that, uh, makes sense.

I love them, but... Fuckin’ kids, man. You’re lucky. Mags and Denise are talking in code now and only Wyatt understands them and I hate it.

Whoa, I know that imitation is supposed to be flattery but that’s some patchy facial hair.

Who has time to shave when you have a kid or a kid-related item in your hands 24/7? Hold on. I see where Wyatt put his chewed gum. Where it’s supposed to go. In my jean pocket.

Oh.. thank you, Allen..

It’s been difficult, I hope it’s worth it. How have you been? 

You’re too cutthroat for it not to be.

Looks like it’s official. 

Congrats. Know you’ve really been working for that.

Blue as in….depressed. Or as in….blue.

 I better be. I’ve put in the legwork to gain her favor.

The second one.

Yeah, respect personal space and not hump your leg. It’s amazing how easy it is and yet. Ohhhhh that sounds like a laundry question. Koby leaves his shit in there forever. I’m surprised he hasn’t dyed his shit pink yet.

Thought it would be nice to give you and your other kids a break. I know Kebi can be a lot, especially right now with everything going on.

No, I mean her shit. Is blue.

“Is he still the cutest thing in the world? I made him promise me he would remain a cutey, and if he’s broken that promise I’ll be heartbroken.”

“Do you have to like your parents? I hated my dad and I turned out mostly okay, and you’re way less of a bastard than he was.”

Nora, you and your siblings are fucking batshit, so that didn’t really boost my confidence.

“Eh, she’ll come around. You’re a good dad, she’s just at that age where some older guy telling her what’s what isn’t going to do shit. I’m assuming you just wait for her to grow out of it.”

She’s never really liked me. I’m more just someone she tolerates. But that’s fine, I’m still her dad. I just need her to stop bullying Wyatt.