All Day Nuts Pass

How is it possible for someone to meet me as a guy and still fuck up my pronouns?

First off, thanks to my boss, everyone knows my situation. Apparently nothing is kept a secret.  My business is everyone else's business,  too.

But that's besides the point.  If someone has met me as a male and calls me by my preferred name,  regardless of whether or not they know my sittuation, HOW DO THEY SCREW UP PRONOUNS???? They never knew me as a female. They aren't even supposed to know I'm trans. I just don't get it...

It's a common occurrence with all of the men at my job.  It continually reinforces my feelings of being an exception to the rule and that's not sitting well with me. 

Update on the passed week (or weekend, rather) of my life and the hell I go through to be myself...

Do you remember the douche monkey from a former post?  Well last night, my friends Katie, Emily, Emily's baby, Doug and I were all at the table at karaoke.  Douche monkey came up and said, "Hi ladies... And Doug..." 

Being mildly offended by the comment and his lack of maturity I offered a mild, "Excuse you..."  He laughed it off and Doug do kindly defended me saying it wasn't funny...  Apparently Emily was about to go punch him in the face or something because, as I later found out, she had a whole speech planned for the next time he did something. 

ANYWAYS!

So through the course of the night, Doug and I played backgammon and douche monkey kept trying to harass me... And then another Kody (spelled different than me) came and we were talking about what he's been doing and how we don't like him and Kody was like, "I just wouldn't have said anything to him.  People like that aren't worth the time."  UG THE CONFIDENCE HE HAS IN HIMSELF!!! He's so humble and he doesn't try to prove himself and he just is who he is.  He's only been identifying as male for a little over a year and he has this stellar personality about him and such a calm demeanor within him.  It was very admirable, and last night, without knowing it, he taught me that I have nothing to prove.  I don't need to prove myself but just be myself and nothing else will matter.  He really gave me a confidence boost for a while...

And then I came home and just felt really shitty.  I wanted so much to e confident and comfortable with who I am and who I'm becoming and I had a mild anxiety attack and almost relapsed.  I was thinking that nothing will be the same.  I'm not good enough.  I'm not confident.  Maybe I'm making a mistake...  Well after a good nights rest, I woke up feeling different about myself.  I still have ongoing anxiety and between that and the compression of my binder, my chest feels like hell and I am having terrible pains in my ribs and lungs.  But that will all go away eventually.

THEEENNNNNN

I got a haircut and oh man do I feel so much better.  For me, there is nothing that can boost my confidence more than a haircut.

Let me say, first off, that paying with a debit card after going by your preferred name is awkward..

But yeah...

Today I went in to get a good ol' butchering of the nest that was my hair... I'm seriously surprised that birds didn't fly out or something.  It was just terrible.  And by the time I was done, I was very pleased with my appearance.  For the first time in a while I actually felt like I looked masculine and not like some non-gendered pre-pubescent teenager.

When I got home, I went to rinse my hair out to get all of the lose hairs out of the way.  When I took my shirt off (I didn't bind today) I just felt so comfortable with myself.  I flexed in the mirror and made faces at my reflection and from the front I was alright with my chest, as long as my arms were up and stretching things out...  So I washed my hair and I had water dripping everywhere and it was the most liberating feeling I've had in a while... And now I get to choose between moving out and top surgery... Priorities, priorities...

We'll see.

OHHHH!!! AND!!! I am going to start re-building my youtube channel and offering help and support.

Thanks to everyone who takes the time to read about my stupid life ^.^ You all are great.

Much love,

No computer

No iPod

No phone

No tablet

While hanging out at Starbucks today, I ran into a guy that works a few doors down in a grocery store.  He comes in often and we chit chat a lot.  He's a little slower than most people but he's pretty funny.

Today he asked me, "Are you nineteen yet?"

I said "Nope.  Not 'til November."

He said, "That's cool.  Your voice is getting deeper so maybe it will keep changing."

At first I took this as an insult.  Everyone has been commenting on my voice for the past week.  I'm getting rather fed up.  And then I thought some more about it.  My voice seems deeper today because I've been drinking tongue-numbing-ly (good word huh?) cold ice water that's been a strain on my vocal chords.  GO ME! And once I turn nineteen, I'll be on, or starting, Hormone-Replacement-Therapy and my voice WILL be changing.

So he had a point and didn't even know it!!! :D 

Changes are coming.

To all you trans people out there, just remember that every day is one day closer to achieving your dreams!

Stay strong guys!  You'll all get there eventually!

Peace and Love,

Good morning and happy Sunday!

Recently in the past week, my dysphoria has gone from "kind of there" to "don't look at or talk to me."  Usually I can handle my dysphoria.  I've learned to kind of just "deal" with it I guess, which basically means I pretend it doesn't exist.  Sometimes I feel better about myself that way -- other times it's a bit harder.

Last night, I was at karaoke with family.  A kid behind me started talking to me after we exchanged awkward eye contact.

            Background: Just about everyone thinks I'm a 6' 1" 12 year old.

We started talking about music and telling jokes and such... Then the little twerp asked me how old I was.  I told him I was 18 and just like EVERYONE else in this stupid country, he freaks out and tells me I'm lying... I'M PRETTY SURE I KNOW HOW OLD I AM AND WHEN I WAS BORN!!!!!! Ehem. Anyways... So this kid went from a twerp to a full on douche monkey.

"So no offense but when is your voice going to drop."

I just about excused myself to go outside.  I've never met anyone so rude and inconsiderate before, in all of my years of being out as trans.

AND THE FUN DOESN'T STOP HERE!!!!

"You should go up and sing Taylor Swift.  Your voice is high enough."

Excuse you, asshole... 

THEN! The douche monkey followed me, where my cousin (mentioned in a former post) and a bunch of "special" (trying to be polite) kids are playing in the parking lot because just about everyone can't stand them... So everyone kicks them outside...  I was having a lovely conversation with some girl i had JUST met... GUYS CAN TALK TO GIRLS WITHOUT TRYING TO FUCKING GET IN THEIR PANTS!!!! So the douche monkey came over and interrupted our conversation.

"So I asked her.. Him... Sorry... When his voice is going to drop... What do you think?"

Needless to say, the rocks I was juggling almost "accidentally" hit his face...

THEN!!!!! The little bitch was acting like I wasn't listening and started using FEMALE PRONOUNS!!! LIKE WHERE THE FUCK DID THAT COME FROM YOU SHIT WAD???

All of this because my voice isn't "low enough" for society's standards.  Fuck everyone.  Like seriously.

I'd like to throw out a shout out to some very good friends of mine, Doug and Katie, for 100% supporting me and also backing me up when shit wads get to be too much.  I love you guys :)

K.

Peace out!

This is mostly for guys with smaller chests, but it's something I have to share!!!

Being an athlete, I have suffered many muscular injuries... As a result I have invested in KT Tape... 

Today I went swimming.  Naturally I was self conscious... I've been having issues with binding so I decided to cut two KT Tape strips in half and stick them so my chesticles.  Obviously this is a very laborious task and getting them to flatten enough was kind of a pain.  I tried just taking one strip and taping both down, but that failed before I even left the house.  So I cut them in half and put them in an X shape.  It worked for quite some time, actually!! I would recommend getting the KT Tape PRO as it is supposedly more water resistant...

This is still a work in progress!!! I am going to try various other techniques and I will log the and report back as they come!!

Try it out and tell me what you think!

Much love

As much as it hurts for people to call me a girl, I've almost learned to let it go.

It's hard enough being FTM.  Especially at the beach, pool, lake, river, or whatever fancy places you guys go.  Today, my stupid cousin and I were swimming and ended up joining a sibling rivalry.  It soon became big kids v.s. little kids and we were having fun. And then out of no where:

Mark: He used to be a girl.

Me: Shut up! no I didn't.

Mark: Oh right, you still are...

And out of no where, a giant "fuck you" left my mouth and I was embarrassed as all hell that I had given off such a bad first impression.  Hopefully, they didn't think too much about it.  They didn't say anything either.

Normally this would've destroyed me.  Last weekend, my cousin was drilling me about if I used to be a girl and I simply refused to answer it. 

Being FTM, I've learned to accept that there is always going to be that one exception. Not everyone will see you as 100% male ever, and dysphoria will rise and all that shit.  What every trans* person needs to know is that your sex DOES NOT MATTER when it comes to defining who you are.  If you're a male, female, asexual, whatever it may be, NO ONE can take that away from you... And that's what I learned today.  I can have a dickhead 12 year old try to take away my cover, as I am stealth in Colorado -- but no one can take away what I think of myself.

And that is my message to everyone.

You are who you want to be.  You are beautiful, strong, brave, and whatever gender you are.  Keep your head up, kid.  You're perfect just how you are.

About an hour ago, I got a text from a lead at my former job.  It read "Tiffany says to call you. The number is (the number she sent).  So I call my former employer that I loathe greatly and the phone answers:

"Hi, thank you for calling [former employer], this is Tiffany how may I help you?" "Hi Tiffany, it's Cody.  I got a text saying to call you." "Yes. We were cleaning out the lockers and we found your wallet.  Are you local and can come pick it up?" "No I live in Colorado now."

So the conversation went on and I gave her my address so she could ship out my wallet... And THEN!!!!

"Okay well I'm going to send the package with your legal name."

EXCUSE YOU?! MY LEGAL NAME?? BECAUSE IT'S SO DAMN FUCKING HARD TO PUT "Cody" AS A FUCKING RECIPIENT?? ON A FUCKING PACKAGE THAT NO ONE CARES ABOUT??? ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME?! Not to mention, my legal name is twice as long as "Cody" so you're wasting your fucking sharpie ink, you dumb hoe bag!!! Fucking emasculate me! SEE IF I FUCKING CARE! CUZ OBVIOUSLY I DO!!!! D: BUT THAT'S BESIDES THE POINT!!!!

I was with them for SIX months.  I filed multiple sexual harassment reports with this lady because people weren't respecting me as FTM.  Needless to say I went all six months with half of my co-workers not even knowing.

So now I am incredibly frustrated!  I do not understand WHY it is SO FUCKING DIFFICULT for people to accept that I am Cody and nothing else.  I am not defined as trans, I am not two different people, I do not live a double life, I am not the difference between Spiderman and Peter Parker.  Being Cody is not a "hidden identity."  I don't want this separate but equal bullshit!  I want to be seen as a human!!  So you can go fuck yourself in the ass!!! All I want is to be respected as a human and for some FUCKING REASON I can't have that.

I feel like an exception!  "You're a guy but..." NO! THERE IS NO "but" TO BE HAD! I! AM! A! MAN!!!

SO FUCK YOU!!!!

FUCK!!!!

Thank you for your time.