It’s not ah-lie-sa

Nor notices what dims my light

For to be compared so tactlessly

Made me think what it is of me

That is still worthy

That is happy

That is alive

Would I still thrive?

For now rather than numb, I feel dead

Initially I felt like it was so unfair that whatever I was giving were not rendered back. Mulling over things on my own, shifting my perspective to a more positive angle, I convinced myself that it does not have to be always fair. It is not always a meet-halfway kind of thing, not a two-way street. Sometimes it is demanded I have to give more than I should if you can’t from your end, to be resilient and unconditional of the circumstances I cannot control. I try so hard to be more understanding, more patient, more open, more generous of the benefit of the doubt, everything more than I already am (or never was). I learned to be vulnerable of my feelings in a different way compared to how I used to (i.e. wallowing in pessimism too much more than I should). I stopped from “bracing myself for the worst” as I embraced the unknown with you. I learned to be more amenable of adjustments when things do not go my way. I learned to wait for my time, for your time. I feel that I have given so much effort, and though it is tiring, I do not want to show that I am complaining or that I am having a hard time. I just want to be true to my feelings as well not to ward you off, but to hopefully make you also understand my side.

I know you are not yet ready for anything that I am offering, nor that I am searching for. But I will wait for as long as I can. I will do my best to be there for you.

Pardon my brutal honesty, I just need to be also putting this out there. Again, not to ward or scare you off, I am hoping to get my point across as unoffensive as possible. I hope to not hurt, but to explain and also be understood.

I know we have already settled this but just let me purge my feelings and thoughts as I (try to) process all these.

We’ve been through so much but not as a couple. We had our own things going on in our lives. We shared a few bit of our stories to each other, legitimately dated but then that wore off easily in just a couple of months. We’d keep in touch but unknown of what we are (friends?). I didn’t know where to draw the line, or which lines I was allowed to cross, what I was allowed to know and/or ask. I was sure of one thing though: I wanted to be there for you. You seemed lost and out of sorts, I know that awful feeling. I wanted to ease that, I wanted to be your go-to person when you needed something (or someone). Maybe that’s why whenever you reach out to me, I’d easily say “yes” to whatever you ask of me. You were among those special people to me. I don’t know how you were able to effortlessly belong to that group of my special people, but you did. You just did. But as time went by, the theme never changed for us. As I persist to keep my efforts consistent for you, you were sucking the life out of me. Rather, I didn’t realize that I was compromising myself of that awful feeling (again): being lost and out of sorts.

I did things I never thought I can. I exacted courage I never knew I had. I exhausted efforts that went beyond my imaginary scale. Not that I’m counting all that I did for you and forcing you to be thankful about it (but the latter would be a nice thing to do), it’s just that everything I did also surprises me, that I had no idea I was/am capable of. Those were genuine acts, promise. I wanted to do all that for you. But it was hurtful as it subtly consumed me, and I felt that you didn’t care. You’d tell me to rest but would also be irritated about it because I’m hard-headed (sorry). I wanted to meet your needs and expectations so badly, I was not mindful that I was ending up being spent as well. Wait, so I guess that was on me.

Points are: 1) I was expecting a lot despite that you have already said you can’t give what I want and/or need (i.e. relationship), 2) I was demanding… but we don’t have a label so actually I am so out of place, and 3) I was giving too much, and evidently you do not reciprocate (counting efforts, okay fine; but let’s be true here). Not that you don’t give a damn particularly about me, you generally just don’t render anything for anyone (even family) unless help is requested specifically from you (so basically you don’t offer voluntarily, not that it’s a bad thing but it would’ve been great). And here perfectly fits the idea of me being so independent, that you thought I can always handle things on my own (leading you to not ask of how I am doing because you always thought that I am strong, but trivia: not everyone who is strong can handle all the shit the world throws at them, sometimes you gotta check on them “strong” people, too, because they are also humans).

Given that (as we have actually discussed the aforementioned points before, this is just a reiteration), a part of me was so sure (and another part of me was also in denial af – and that is why I have this long ass message) that you will not choose me anymore. I felt like a reject. There was no freaking way that we’d be more of what(ever) we are now. I guess it’s also my fault because I always settle for something like this – whatever is left, whatever is given, whatever is offered, whatever is available. I was obsessed of chances, that I would take whatever I can get. If you’ve given it a chance to try even just once, maybe I’d be happy. I relied on sheer luck, also to prayers to God that you’d change your mind if I did better and I gave more. Having to call you my own, a commitment to hold on to, it would’ve been so comforting and assuring. But that was not all be possible because you did not want to try, not even once.

You then offered and asked, “Can we be friends?” Borrowed your favorite answer, “Hindi ko alam.”  ‘Cause I really don’t know. How am I supposed to be alright with that? And I need space and time to move on from this, and I honestly can’t say “no” (except to that question) whenever you need something from me (isn’t that how friends go?. I think this time, I have to put myself first. I cannot help you (maybe for now), as I have to nurse whatever is left of me.

But thank you. Thank you for taking the time to give me a closure (closures pala, this is the second time). Thank you that you didn’t leave me wondering (this time). The answers you’ve given me may not be fully satisfying nor comprehensive now, but I hold on to them in order to better myself. I am grateful for this (last?) time we are able to talk. Thank you for patiently listening even though I struggled to explain how I feel, for openly welcoming everything I need to say. Thank you for intending to ease my pain. Thank you sincerely for this. Thank you for being decent and true.

Here’s another thank you that is irrelevant to those above:  thank you for sharing your stories. I felt privileged being your exclusive audience (though actually I am not sure as to how many people you share them with), I truly admire your passion as it is so evident in the manner how you would tell me about your training that it actually intimidates me and motivates me at the same time; I wish I had the same endurance and speed as you do.

You’ve said your sorry’s. I cannot of course determine as to when I am able to forgive you because I am damn hurting right now; eventually maybe I will. Prior all this drama, I knew I was in for a lot of shitty pain, and I decided, “Hell, fine. Let’s go for it. That’s how life is anyway. It’s inevitable.” And now here we are, with the preventable inevitable.

I hope and pray as we part that we come out as better people, that we’d be kinder to ourselves. I pray that you figure out what (or who?) you want, that when the next person who will ask you, “Anong gusto mo?” your answer won’t be “Hindi ko alam.”