Alissa Gemstone

It hadn’t been intentional, just another product of the boredom that came from a four year trip to an alien planet, but of course it had led to Dr. Ryland Grace curled up upon himself with tears streaming down his face. Rocky was right, he really was quite leaky.

It’d started with the usual conversation: “What are we going to do on Erid?” “What will it be like living there?” No different than any previous conversation in concept, but then Rocky had said he intended to have babies with Adrian. And of course Grace was curious, he’s a molecular biologist! So he’d asked, and Rocky had explained. As it turns out, all Eridians can lay eggs, and a baby was made when two eggs from different Eridians were kept close together and warm. The eggs would join together and make one larger egg which would eventually hatch a small Eridian child. Rocky had explained that most Eridians were capable of laying an egg past a certain age, but would only do so if they followed a certain procedure with specific food and sleep patterns. As fascinating as that had been, Grace really should have expected Rocky to ask about how humans have babies.

It’s not that Grace wasn’t capable of explaining or anything, it was just… Eridians didn’t really have concepts similar to “sex.” The egg laying was only slightly more uncomfortable than eating, and there was nothing about the process that necessitated the two Eridians involved to be physically close together, although that was often preferred. So Grace had stiltedly walked Rocky through it, and tried to ignore how uncomfortable he felt. He explained that humans had evolved to enjoy the experience so they would have more kids. He’d even explained that there was a specific feeling people had for eachother that was sometimes part of why they had kids. Rocky had predictably reacted with a strong “Disgust! Disgust! Disgust!” and Grace couldn’t help but agree on that.

But once Rocky had calmed himself down, he had asked Grace if he had ever done that. Not have kids, of course, but be in romantic love and have sex. A mix of familiar feelings ran down Grace’s spine, dread and inadequacy. The conversation reminded him of the fact that he really wasn’t the best human for alien beings to learn from. Because no, he hadn’t ever had sex. And now that meant he couldn’t properly explain human behavior to his alien best friend! The Eridians deserved a full understanding of humans if there was going to be any sort of inter-species communication or alliance in the future. Especially the things humanity considered most important. And Grace knew that sex and love were considered the absolute most important thing in the world to most people. So he’d told Rocky he hadn’t experienced that, but that he would do more research on the topic so Rocky could understand. That had resulted in Grace going on the computer and attempting to find more information about romantic relationships and why people have sex. He’d be a bad teacher if he didn’t explain queer people and sex-ed stuff.

Grace was a biologist, so he knew he knew most of this, but medically induced amnesia had its consequences. It was just… Rocky had asked about him. And that felt different than the fact that other people did it. It made him uncomfortable. Sex seemed just… gross. It made him feel like he wanted to leave the proverbial room. Romance felt similar, just an instinctual feeling of no. He couldn’t explain it. Then while looking at the Wikipedia pages for different sexualities, he stumbled across it. Aroace. People who felt little to no sexual and romantic attraction.

The ship had felt infinitely more quiet in that moment than before it. Like gravity had loosened its grip on his shoulders. Things clicked into places he hadn’t even known were empty. So much of his life and experiences suddenly made sense. That was Grace. He was this thing. It was a thing. Grace was aroace. But the context also painted a brutal edge on so much as well. Things people whispered behind his back in elementary school. The anger, frustration, and disappointment his one and only girlfriend had felt the night they’d broken up. But most of all, Stratt.

“You don’t have any immediate family, you don’t even have a dog.” The words echoed in his head. Oh god that hurt so much more than before. Grace knew, logically, that Stratt would’ve sent him anyway, no matter what he’d ‘had’ on Earth, but… the fact that she had tried to persuade him with that. The fact that she’d tried to justify it with that. Grace had known many people had seen his life as “sad” because he was single, but to know that it was because of this? Because he was aroace? He knew queerness occurred in nature as well, so it was normal. There was a word for it so it was something someone could be. He felt more whole than ever and Stratt had weaponized the very thing that gave him that feeling against him. The cruelty was so magnified by this he almost felt it all over again. So he sat, curled up into himself, ringing in his ears as he sobbed.

He couldn’t notice the world around him for a while as he rocked back and forth, but eventually the numbness faded slightly and a warm pressure was up against his side. Rocky.

Grace attempted to clear his vision and turned to his best friend. “R-Rocky?”

Rocky shifted his carapace to Grace and set a limb on his knee. “Grace sad sad sad, Rocky fix. How Rocky help?”

The tones of his voice comforted Grace immensely. Rocky was here, his new softer Xenonite suit pressed up against Grace’s body, a calming presence. Rocky spoke again, “Grace leak about being… about being forced again. Question?”

His voice broke on the words. That was a good hypothesis. Grace hadn’t lasted long after rescuing Rocky until breaking down and telling him about it. The reaction had been better than Grace could’ve ever expected, with Rocky insisting that Grace was brave, and that being forced to sleep and die in space was an unimaginable punishment for an Eridian. Rocky had refused to let Grace call himself a coward, had insisted on making the new Xenonite suit so they could sleep closer together, had constantly repeated how much he loved Grace and was glad he was here, but that he hadn’t deserved what was done to him. The idea still horrified Rocky, and was definitely the main reason Grace had been “leaking” for the past… almost a year now. So it was a good theory.

“No, well… yes but not- not the same.” Grace said, leaning into his best friend’s warmth.

“Rocky no understand, how the same but not the same.”

Grace took a deep breath. He wanted to tell Rocky. He wanted to tell his best friend that he’d figured out something about himself that made so much sense. And from an educational perspective Rocky deserved to know about the existence of aroace people too. But… what if Rocky was disappointed in him? What if Rocky realized that he could’ve had a more human human? Grace knew Rocky wouldn’t react that way but the thoughts still spun in his mind.

“Friend Grace?”

Friend Grace… yeah, Rocky would be okay about it. He would. Grace trusted him.

“Rocky, you know how we were talking about… uhm, how humans make babies? About sex and romance?”

“Yes, Rocky remember. Of course. Though Rocky kind of wish Rocky had human brain to forget. How relevant?”

Grace couldn’t help but snort. “I was, doing some research, like I said. And uh… I found something. Something about me.”

“Grace find self in screen. Question?”

“Not- me literally, but something I am.” Grace slide the screen towards his best friend before remembering Rocky didn’t have his screen reader with him currently.

“Uhm. Ok. There’s this thing, that some people are. Where they don’t like sex or romance. Not like- they are against it, but just. It’s not for them. They don’t experience those feelings like most people do. It’s called aroace. And that’s… that’s me.” He said it all quietly, knowing Rocky could hear it.

Rocky said nothing for a moment, then spoke. “Grace leak about this. Grace stupid. Rocky know about this. Not feel romance feeling is on Erid too. Eridian word is 🎵🎶🎵🎵. Is normal. Why Grace upset about this. Question?”

Grace couldn’t help but choke on a sob. People on Erid were aroace too? It’s normal?

“I didn’t know I was… I didn’t know it was a thing until now. But- but, Rocky you don’t understand. I- I can’t teach you about the whole human experience, Rock… and it’s-“

Rocky cut him off, “Grace still stupid. Grace is human. Grace can teach about whole human experience because Grace human. Grace explain romance earlier. Also Rocky understand romance. Rocky romance Adrian. Grace no romance. Simple.”

Again, Rocky’s words floored Grace. Rocky was right. Romantic love and sex were not some sort of special human magical thing. And humans treating those things like they were would likely be detrimental to inter-species relations, as it implied humans had something special that other aliens didn’t. Like how Grace was treated less than.

“You’re right buddy, I- on Earth those things are seen as… very important. It’s not seen as good to be Aroace. Like me.” His mind interjected with joy, like me. “But you’re right that that’s not true. I’m sorry.”

“Ugh. Humans are stupid. Smart in science ways but stupid in this way. Earth treat romance more important is bad bad bad. Grace no need to apologize… Earth apologize to Grace. Grace is good good good, important important important. Rocky tell Grace many times, will continue to tell.”

Grace reached down and hugged Rocky. He cried onto the Xenonite suit, and let himself take comfort in his best friend’s words.

After minutes had passed, and Grace was not leaking as much, Rocky seemed to take this as a cue to ask another question.

“Grace say this same but not same to force. Seem only not same to Rocky.”

Oh. That. Grace considered it. He knew Rocky would comfort him. But Rocky would also be very upset.

“It will upset you, Rock. I don’t have to tell you right away.”

Rocky was dissatisfied with that answer.

“Grace tell if Grace comfortable telling. No worry about Rocky. Rocky can handle.”

Grace sort of doubted that. “You’re sure?”

“Yes, Rocky say yes many times.”

“Uhm… I mean. It’s not a big thing? But- me being Aroace, it was, sort of… used to justify forcing me to go to space. That my life wasn’t worth as much because I didn’t have a- a, a romantic relationship?”

The silence after his words didn’t last long. Rocky scrambled up in clear distress.

“WHAT!!!!! No no no bad bad bad! Is not true, tell Rocky is not true!!”

Grace had known Rocky would react like this. He sighed.

“I mean, she didn’t- they didn’t know. It wasn’t- I would’ve been sent anyway. It was just a thing that was said Rock.”

This did not appear to comfort Rocky much.

“No. Bad bad bad. Is… need word… cruel! Is cruel cruel cruel. Grace life worth huge! Like universe! Need human concept… infinite! Humans who sent Grace not understand? On Erid all Eridians equal. With Eridians everyone worth huge. No romance needed! Grace no romance no mean less worth!! Humans stupid.” He appeared to calm himself down enough at this point.

“Grace life worth infinite to Rocky. Grace Rocky family. Grace Rocky best friend. Grace understand. Question?”

Grace understood. At this point he was crying again. Rocky always did this, he’d react so strongly then immediately re-orient to helping Grace. It felt so good to know this attitude extended to this feeling Grace had been so confused by his whole life. Rocky understood him. Rocky valued him. Grace felt the same about Rocky. It was the core of their relationship. Grace laid down and let Rocky lay down on top of him, his carapace a weighted blanket to keep Grace safe. To keep Grace loved.

“I understand buddy. Grace love Rocky.”

The response was immediate, “Rocky love Grace.”

That had been emotionally exhausting. Grace felt tired.

“I’m going to go to sleep for a bit ok Rock?”

“Yes, Rocky watch Grace sleep.”