"Letting go" by Alina Haaven
I mourn you every day This thought Realization of losing And missing And love And contentment You brought Just started to seep in The grief Of lost presence 6 years of struggle Of happiness Of sadness Depression From the never ending rejection From failing to grow you into your potentials The never ending joy You brought at the beginning And darkness without any way out You brought after I couldn’t manage myself no longer The dark and angry Suicidal thoughts And feeling if I can’t last no more Like that 6 years of cutting it out And cutting it down Self imposed restrictions Just for you For your growth For your development For your future And hitting the wall Every day Slowly and painfully realizing Your end is near I stoped talking So I could hear more And soak in more And learn more And always be there for you Cut relationships Cut friendships Cut family Forget about my own needs I neglected myself Because I was afraid to miss any opportunity That can benefit your future This was always a one-sided relationship But a full realization of it came much later When there was no harvest To sustain further existence But all the time And all the effort have been invested I felt devastated Betrayed by the lie Hard work pays off Was 6 years not enough? I lived for you to exist and grow I failed Now Able to think clear Realizing That I mourn you every morning In a cup of coffee with milk Thinking of your future Routines broken Coffee Acidic Making a hole in my stomach Is that a way out? I miss you tremendously My purpose was very clear And all the effort Devoted I miss you so much Inability to manage stress Undesired reactions No one to back up No one to push Right question never asked Do you need help? Relying only on myself How long till I give up? 6 years To the peak of emotional deprivation Deprivation of happiness … I mourn you Looking into the eyes of friends’ children Of the age you would be Them bringing joy And transcending happiness To their creators You Smiled so rarely Happiness that had to be forced With nonstop physical and mental work Your ability to survive Depended on others I couldn’t manage no more Blood being sucked out of me I couldn’t give no more Bones bare There was no more flash To feed you And live only For you I couldn’t manage no more I was sucked dry I couldn’t manage no more I had to let you go Letting go For me To come back To life
