I Am Everything

Pressure makes the man, just like the diamond & the sand, mixed together in your hand, I’m holding tightly, don’t let go of me now!

As i awake from the sound of machines, cell phones ring, my head full of steam & i can seem to shake away from this delirium machine thats been draining me of all my precious memories and ambitious tendencies i feel like i cant even fucking breathe with out this dumb machine.

Scattered memories, my mind is like a maze. All the traumatic ones that hurt me deeply are tucked away, but for some reason those are the ones i find today. I sit in silence with my eyes closed shut reliving all the pain, like when my puppy dog got mauled to death in front of me when i was 10 years old i couldn’t do nothing but look away. His screams still ring in my ears i wish i could have been brave, to help him fight for every grasp of life that got taken away. Even on the brightest days when the world is clear & calm i cant help but be afraid. For on these days is usually when everything happens to fall apart for me. Like when i was 16 & Maryjane turned her back on me. I used to get hight to ease my mind till one day my mind attacked me. It all happened when i drank a cup of weed tea i went home to lie down then my heart started beating so loud i could feel the pumps in my eyes as i started to fade. I thought i was gonna die turns out i was just so fckn high o lost control of my mind as the thoughts of death internalized i became paralyzed with the fear of leaving this life with so much things id never do? So much experiences id never have i started shaking real bad then i yelled out for a hand to grab & fell deep into my black abyss that is my maze. Even though i dont know all the ways i still feel safe here in my maze.

With every step I take, I grow closer to death and yet I still run. I still ride bikes. I still ride my skates. I still walk to the grocery store to get my favorite drink. I still drag my feet when the day feels long. I still jump up high when I sing my favorite song.

The first run of the year started fast and confident then towards the middle of the run i felt lazy and undisciplined. I slowed down i sped up i felt myself lose the constant of my steps. Even though it didn’t go as planned i still felt good to get it in. Despite all the mental blockages i came across i still finished the run content. It’s like a metaphor for life most things are never what you want them to be but they can still be great all you have to do is show up leave the rest up to fate

If i could sum up my life in words it wouldn’t be legible. If i could explain my existence in a song i would never finish the beat. My ear drums would bleed before i could come up with the melody. If adam existed was he ever even me? Was i ever even him? The vacuum of the cosmos slowly pulls me out of it. In the emptiness i spin. Or maybe I’m still trapped within. The beach is covered in the past but, the present helps us to forget. My sorrows help me feel the love that I’m so scared to give. How do i accept that time has passed? How to i let you go & live again? The atoms that made you into a man are now bestowed upon me to give. Your body no longer exists, but your presence shines with me. The smile on my face is the one you left to me. The wonder in my eyes, the joy that I find in everything the bond we made in this life will transcend everything. When my time comes to meet you in the fabric of the universe, i will have many stories to speak. until that moment comes ill make the best out of living in hell. For even heaven will feel like an inferno if you’re nowhere to be found. Ill get myself kicked out so i can hunt you down.

I hope this email never finds you. I hope the internet in its entirety crashes and all of humanity wakes up from this spell the digital world has us under. I hope you find the beauty in the moment like when you see your son walk for the first time, like when you see your daughter fearlessly jump off the deep end of the pool without a life jacket. Or when you find that old shirt you thought you lost. When you feel the sun peak over the mountain tops after a long winter. I hope you find yourself.

How long till i can live again, this emptiness it never ends, im back & fourth but it always wins. How long until i can live again? Im sick my body aches & my head spins. My chest feels tight its like my rib cage is caving in. The pressure seeps into my skin. How long until i can live again? I grieve soon as i wake from bed. The guilt spreads with every deep breath in. This feeling ascends past normal depression. My will to live is fear its self. Im trapped in darkness i cant get out. These words release what i cant speak out loud. Am i allowed to enjoy right now? Whats up is down and whats down is out. Nothing makes sense the more i find out. The two wolves inside are in a death match right now. Which one will win? The kind one died now. How long till i can live again?

I always take things way too fast & fall in love with the idea of what someone could be not who they are then i end up sad when things that i imagined don’t come true. I don’t want to have such a strong emotional connection to the idea anymore i need to learn to accept things for what they are. Which are nothing. There is nothing to attach myself to but my own thoughts and my own goals. Remove distractions and become who i want to be.