alienparrot

cumulus cloud, you reach up past the sky.

yet, you havent moved a mile since smc station.

are you afraid to float away and find nothing above you?

i am too.

its been too long since our meeting/

faded in memory/

i started to believe you didnt exist past concrete letters, and corporate skyscrapers, in downtown.

cigarettes pinched between swollen fingers never were appealing.

smokes gravitate away from my gloom, into piercing blue curses: the only thing los angeles ever rained down with.

im scanning the sky when i should be keeping my eyes on the ground/

if theres anything out there, thats where im headed/

but sometimes towering offices are the only shelter we get/

see, trademarked characters are the only thing my ghost would reach.

the world came to me at the bottom of a swimming pool, staring up at sun bleached ripples

and i saw life as it was given to the first creatures: untouchable; real

i might die nothing/

at the bottom of a swimming pool/

just like 5 years old/

‘look like’ might as well be/drowning.

my last breath is forgotten/

the ingredients of air become strangers/

call me irish, but no one knew me well enough to miss my ugly mug.

im not even dying/

just nothing/

there was a time i was scared of the other people who held my name.

what they would do with it, if they would break it, polish it into something unrecognizable.

tonight i long for that;

to search for my name and find proof that i exist outside of these thoughts and caged words.

looking at old pictures, i become convinced i was never there to begin with.

its been so long.

i forgot the sound of my name on your lips.

did i ever hear it?

i swear i saw the shape form,

underneath street lamps wrinkling my bed sheets

was i deluded in the dim light?

convinced you were watching me, watching you too..

its all blurry as another year goes by-

you’re turning older without me

im still trapped in those ribbed sheets

feeling you beneath me

while i curled up in myself

getting out of my head by ripping into yours

but where you ever even there

where you ever even there?

two young shards of glass

thought they had it made

carving into stars

turning back into molten sand

then freezing up with age

til theres no more reflections to be had

and so

you were always there

serving as a shattered mirror

was easier than looking down at my shape

we turn back to shell crumbs

wrestled apart by the sea again

is it clear enough?,

to see what you wouldnt let me

what i wouldnt give

to meet you in the next life

maybe your steel forged into holy windows

casting down on parishioners

you were good at that when it came to us

judging silently til someone had enough

even holy things can get hot in hell

and you’re never here

you’ll never whisper my name

hiding beneath the rain drops

falling down my window

the dusty shadows got too sharp

like casting mold unto my bed spread

ill never be enough

overshadowed by darkness you keep reaching for

a life of light refraction was never meant for you my love

think the bottom of the sea with stones and hooks pulling you back under

the tide never reaching that far down

youll be there

probably sooner than later

if the lines on your story are anything to go by

and for now

though ive been alone

in my memory i imagine i could hear

proof coming from your throat

a thick rumble

that you can feel me

see me