Yours Sincerly,

Nobody tells you that walking away from people (in hope they would follow you) will break your heart.

Nobody tells you that some days, you will feel hopeless. Unloveable and horrid to the core. But other days? You will feel on top of the world, the reflection of health and hope.

Nobody tells you what it’s like, being awake at 4am wondering why you feel as if you are suffocating.

Nobody tells you to go for that walk, to drink your water or to brush your teeth.

Nobody tells you to carry on going when you want to stay in bed.

I wonder how you are, what you are doing.

I remember the way your skin felt against mine, the way you would trace my fingers with your own.

I fantasise about what could have been, if only things were different.

I worked so hard to become confident and strong, alone. That when I found someone who saw me for ME. I fell into codependency in a blink.

Recently (2024) my mother and I fell out. It started with something small and snowballed into something much bigger. I realised a few things and I simply stopped begging. Begging for her time, begging for her approval and begging for her affection. It dawned on me that I am an adult woman, who lives in home which I’ve furnished myself, with a dog that I care for and work a full time job + pay my own god damn bills. I don’t need her approval or affection because I have managed to create something she has never seen nor taken an interest in seeing. So I stopped replying and I let her be. One evening I was a little (a lot) drunk and I did, unfortunately message her. Apologising and saying that I wanted a relationship with her. Her response was (I’m not going to put all of it because, frankly I don’t need to but I will summarise) ‘when was the last time you put me first, not out of obligation or because you have to, but because you want to’ ‘I have removed your ‘obligation’ (this part I will quote) “birthdays, Xmas - all those mandatory days, forget them. One day you’ll do something because you want to — and let’s hope it’s not too late”

A few weeks later, she delivered me bad news about a family member, we briefly spoke. Around a week later I decided to arrange a day to meet up with her, however the previous conversation played over and over in my mind. ‘One day you’ll do something because you want to’ - and I realised I didn’t want to meet up with her. I didn’t want to see her. That was a painful realisation. Around early October I messaged regarding something else completely. Once that conversation ended (her asking me to donate to her charity walk). We didn’t speak again. Christmas Day, she blocked me on social media. There hasn’t been any communication about it between family members, I haven’t called, nor has she. It took a while for it to set in. Over Christmas, I did my best to block it out and not let it ruin the festive period. The period between Christmas and new year is when the feeling really set in however this time, it wasn’t rejection or desperation. It was grief mixed with overwhelming relief. No longer did I have to dread the paragraph messages, written to guilt trip and paint me as an awful child. No longer did I have to go running and do things I simply didn’t want to do because she had asked. No longer did I have to sit there and feel a way I will never be able to put into words. I felt guilty for feeling this way. I FEEL guilty for feeling this way. But no amount of guilt will cause me to grovel back, beg for her love and affection again. Beg for a relationship. Walking away from a parental relationship, it does cause grief. You are grieving what could have been, what others have so easily and what you don’t. But so far, I have been able to grieve and not have an impending doom feeling looming over me. I have been able to cry and talk about my feelings with loved ones and not worry about the impact of ‘what will happen if she finds out I’ve told someone’.

This is only the start of the journey. I’ve started to follow other people who are openly talking about no longer being in contact with their parent (with their own face, voice and via video). I am ready to start processing my relationship with my mother. Conversations that probably were not normal and deal with whatever emotions come with it. I know there are going to be hard moments. Such as turning 30 this year, or when I have achievements which I’d usually talk to her about. But I have a robust support system in place and I know this isn’t going to be something I regret.

This evening I watched a video, and the woman said “if a parent puts the responsibility of maintaining and establishing connection on your shoulders, that parent is not interested in connection with you at all. They are interested in the way you can preform and the things that you can provide. They’re interested in your labour”

Unconditionally

No questions asked

A man who has introduced me to his family

Shared his friends and fears with me.

Who encourages me to be the best version of myself.

And I love him.

Unconditionally.

No questions asked.

But tell me. Why do you still cross my mind. Why are you still in my thoughts? Why do I care if you are happy or loved?

You hurt me. And didn’t think twice about it. You lied and deceived me when I laid myself bare to you. You weren’t looking for love. Not from me anyway. You were looking for a plaster. Someone to help you heal. To escape your mind. A distraction.

Yet. I hope you have found peace.

As I have found mine.

And I don’t mean horrible.

I mean, angry. Angry and fulled by spite.

Because THAT feeling is a powerful motivator for change.

THAT feeling, gets things done.

& when it’s done, when you are over it.

You have improved your life some how, and can continue that ball rolling.

Right now, I’m stuck in how I feel.

Wallowing in self pity.

Wallowing in rejection.

I am mourning a mother who hasn’t died.

But has abandoned her relationship with her only child.

Out of spite. Out of pettiness. Out of not being able to apologise.

How can I explain

The rejection I am feeling

I started when I was depressed, as a way to voice the deep dark thoughts rattling around in my mind. Then I fell inlove again.. but this love was, is different. This love is matched, I’m no longer begging for the bare minimum, I’m blooming for the first time in what feels like forever. And falling in love made me happy. A happy me doesn’t know what to write, how can I put this beauty onto a page that was previously filled with darkness?

Yet, I find myself writing again. Not because I’m sad, but also not because I’m happy. Because I’m at a period of my life where I feel like I am inbetween. I have nothing to be unhappy about, but I don’t feel quite, happy. I wouldn’t say this is depression. I want to call this a temporary stop gap. An inbetween. With no pressure to name this feeling.

A hole I created for myself a long time ago.

A hole I have teetered close to the edge of,

Dozens of times.

Yet

Never quite fell in.

Well.

I fell. And I kept falling.

I didn’t realise I had dug it so deep.

And now I am sat

Shovel in hand.

In this house,

I turned into a home.

A home that was enough.

A home that I felt safest in alone.

But now,

You’ve been here.

You’ve filled it with laugher.

And love

And……..hope.

Now I look into this home

And without you, it is a house.

A big empty space.

And I wait.

I wait for you to come back.

The night, I phoned you. Scared.

With no hesitation, you were there. By my side.

The night you showed me you loved me.

The night you realised we made a mistake.

The night you wrapped me in your warmth.

The night it ended.

You were scared too.

Only, I came out stronger.

I don’t know if this is a symptom of a mental illness.

But, I always want more.

I always believe I can have more.

I spent a life believing I was worthless, weak and needy.

Then I woke up.

Started to believe I was worthy, strong and deserving.

And since that moment.

I deserve to be held.

I deserve to be desired.

I deserve to be lusted over.

I deserve to be needed.

I deserve to be wanted.

Over and over again we tell ourselves we don’t deserve certain things.

But what about the things we do deserve?

The things we have missed.

The things that we crave.

Some would say for too long

Others would say not long enough.

But how long can you hold onto something,

That steals your soul

Rips the flesh from your bone