run while you can

can’t keep doing this all the fucking time.

i sit here & watch them both disregard all my feelings & boundaries all the time & then they both call me crazy when i say i don’t feel any love from them at all. i keep repeating the same shit over and over and over and over again for it go ignored & unheard.

just gonna put up a wall. and look for something else outside them. not even a new partner. just smth or someone or anything that keeps me emotionally distant from the two of them. i hate being with them as much i love being with them, but only just barely. the hate is starting to grow and i truly never feel love from either of them i just fucking don’t.

gonna be silent around them.

i’ve been feeling this way for almost a year and whenever i bring these feelings to you you give the same generic response and go right back to the same behaviors that make me feel this way. and atp i can’t even attitude it to bpd or splitting or taking your behavior personally like ive been saying the same exact things for almost a year and literally nothing has changed.

i have to tiptoe around your moods, your irritation & your aspd side/moments all the fucking time. i have to just accept that you’re like this instead of you doing the work to make your supposed partner feel loved.

atp i’m ready to completely detach from you. go nv around you. dissociate when you speak. not put myself in your way. i’m tired of the same shit. you only want me around when you’re frustrated or mad at him, yet he’s the only one who gets any intimacy from you, sexual and non sexual.

im just tired of feeling the same way and you clearly openly blatantly not caring enough to change the behavior or give reassurance or love me in my love languages.

gonna look for a new girlfriend. give her all my energy and attention. finally have my feelings and actions reciprocated.

and i already know why. what always happens, happened. someone, in this case 3 someone’s, thought they could handle me/my trauma/my baggage/my habits/etc, and they asked for me to share and be open and vulnerable—and stupid me i did bc i thought t this would be different—, and they saw that i am too fucked up, too broken, too damaged, too much to be with.

im a fucking idiot like i’m actually a goddamn fucking idiot like i really fucking thought someone could actually fucking know me handle me and love me. nobody can. how many fucking times does the universe have to show me, how many fucking times am i gonna ignore my gut, how many fucking times am i gonna ignore my past? it’s rly my fucking fault

he’s conferring w the others to get the words just right