- arù -

Erin: Speaking for myself?

Myself. My self. That's the problem. That's the whole problem with the whole thing. That word, "self". That's not the word. That's not right. It's...that isn't it. How did I forget that? When did I forget that?

The body stops a cell at a time, but the brain keeps firing those neurons. Little lightning bolts, like fireworks inside, and I thought I'd despair or feel afraid, but I don't feel any of that. None of it.

Because I'm too busy. Too busy in this moment. Remembering. I remember that every atom in my body was forged in a star. This matter, this body is mostly just empty space, after all, and solid matter? It's just energy vibrating very slowly and there is no me. There never was.

The electrons in my body mingle and dance with the electrons of the ground below me, and the air I'm no longer breathing. And I remember there is no point where any of that ends and I begin.

I remember I am energy. Not memory. Not self. My name, my personality, my choices- it all came after me. I was before them and I will be after, and everything else is pictures, picked up along the way. Fleeting little dreamlets printed on the tissue of my dying brain.

And I am the lightning that jumps between. I am the energy firing the neurons- and I am returning.

Just by remembering- I am returning home. And it's like a drop of water falling back into the ocean, of which it's always been a part. All of us...a part.

You, me and my little girl, my mother and my father, everyone's who's ever been, every plant, every animal, every atom, every star, every galaxy, all of it.

More galaxies in the universe than grains of sand on the beach. And that's what we're talking about when we say "God". The One. The cosmos and its infinite dreams. We are the cosmos dreaming of itself.

It's simply a dream that I think is my life, every time. But I'll forget this. I always do. I always forget my dreams. But now, in this split-second, in the moment I remember, the instant I remember- I comprehend everything at once.

There is no time. There is no death. Life is a dream. It's a wish- made again and again and again and on into eternity. And I am all of it. I am everything. I am all.

Milano si è presa la mia vecchia vita e il taglio è stato profondo. Ma me ne ha regalata una nuova. Una boccata d’ossigeno di quando torni a galla dopo che hai battuto il record di apnea nella sfida coi tuoi cugini. Ma rimane uno sfondo di cartone, e io adesso non ho più solo due dimensioni. 

E allora bisogna andare in profondità. Scendere di nuovo in apnea, battere nuovi record e ritornare a galla, quando è sera e non c’è più nessuno e gli ombrelloni sono chiusi. Le luci dei ristoranti, due di fila. Le scale con la statua di un leone, i negozi chiusi. Sulla spiaggia neanche dei ragazzini che si divertono o che si sforzano di essere malinconici o innamorati. 

Source: Fullmetal Alchemist / Hagane no Renkinjutsushi / 鋼の錬金術師