Alex Falkor

So it's that time again, Christmas day~.

I'm slightly bummed, because last year I spent around 250$ on a scumbag, got them a PS4 because I thought they were different. That they were a good person. NOPE. So that is an utter waste. That and they never got me a Christmas gift, so honestly fuck that person.

Positive side: I don't have to spend another penny on that person.

It's been a.... surprisingly good fall this year. Like, that never usually happens. I'm hoping it keeps going, all the way through winter. If that happens, I can honestly say this year I will be depression free. Which will be....a big mind blow for me.

Some things I want to do before the end of this year though is meet a Medium and go back to the Gym. Then if I'm lucky I might attempt some...."crafts" at home (now that I have my own place).

I finally reached it. I had remember now at the core what it was.

This life---I am able to be surrounded by friends. With those I love-----

Yet I wont be able to have that in the next life.

This song hits home to me.

Naruto who started alone, gained so much over time. However I will be his polar opposite. When I reach the other side, the next life. Those friends, those I love----

I will have to discard it. I will have to move on entirely.

Cause I want to be a Hero of Justice. Cause I want to burden all the pain. Cause I want to so desperately look at the sky and protect everyone’s future.

I wont be able to do that if I’m surrounded with friends.....with love. So I fought for it. I fought for another person cause I wanted to cherish just a fraction---even if it was just a fraction of more happiness in this life before.... Before I had to give up being human. Before I had to forget what being human was.

I’ll deal with it all alone. All the worlds problems in that next life. I’ll figure out the solutions. Judge & Executioner. I will slowly be consumed by the trail of blood. How can such a person have a right to have a lover, let alone friends in that life? I wont.

So I wanted to hold on to it. I caused pain for my own greed.....cause I knew in my heart that I wont have a normal life anymore. I will be alone. I will shoulder the fate of the next world on my shoulders. I will shoulder the fate of the people on my shoulders.

I know....only a select few, maybe less then 5 people who will try and stop me. I know....only those select few, will “truly” try and stop me. But I’m sorry everyone---I---am to far gone now. Maybe this is why Me and Sir Galahad are so alike. My wish. My desire. The price. The cost. We both know, to reach perfection----a sacrifice of equal proportion is needed. Balance. It always came down to Balance.....huh.... So to create that future. So to create a dream, a concept, to reality. I will have no future on that side. In exchange, I will create a future that even the fates couldn’t see.

So to those friends who were with me.

Thank you.

To the one who loved me despite all of this.

Thank you.

But I’m prepared now. I remember who I am meant to be.

Alex Falkor----the one who walked alone in the darkness----in order to find the light.

I know this is selfish to say to those who are unaware of this post. To those friends who will never know this had been said. But in the next life---

Try and forget me. In this life I am fine if you wish to remember me. -----but in the next life you’ll be better off forgetting me.

I love you, everyone, more then you’ll ever know. That’s why I think I’ll be able to do this. Fighting for you guys. Alone....so that your dreams and futures in the next life.

Can all come true.

So many things happened this month that I never wanted to happen. So many things happened this month that I tried my best to avoid, even if---even if people will never take my word for it and understand. A lot of people....and I mean A LOT of people are upset at the fact I didn’t choose the girl I love instantly---but I did----in my own way.

A way many people are incapable of grasping & understanding. Yet I will not blame them for it. I cannot. How I am---my feelings? They are unique and to others you even have every right to call them fucked up. “I” get that more then anyone else right now. People kept saying “You’re hurting her” “Why not her?“ “This is simple” Yet none of them truly took time to ask me this----”Have you been asking yourself this? What are “you” going through in that head of yours?” Let me tell you something. It was hell inside of me. “I” know what the right answer was. I know emotionally & logically what the correct answer was. Mariah. I know that more then anyone that will hold ill-will towards me now. Look at my differently. Judge me. Yet I continued to try. Alone. With no one able to truly understand “me”. Help me get through these thoughts. I told people I was fine if the other person didn’t view me the same way. My entire “goal” was not to have the feelings returned---but to be “able” to accept my own and even on some level, have my feelings understood. Even if the origin “was” out of love, I would of been fine in the long-run if me and this other person ended up being friends. Just friends. So I tried. I tried hard to find a way to keep them as a friend but don’t misunderstand. I did choose Mariah. I would’ve not felt such pain, such agony towards myself otherwise. It was because of the fact my heart knew I was hurting Mariah with “my existence”, a way of life. So “i” tried changing my core for someone I love. Yet people still don’t understand that---but In doing so--- Faith. Trust. Respect. ----but most importantly Love. I lost a lot of that this month from multiple people. Some have said it----the person I was fighting to keep as a friend, just a friend, admitted to losing so much respect for me. Admitted practically at this point they want nothing to do with me.....practically telling me---- “This hell you went through with Mariah, was for nothing” “This hell you went through to be true to yourself, was for nothing” “Your good intentions, for nothing” It hurt. It still hurts. Cause I tried finding a way to have them be in my life in some way----just some way. While at the same time appeasing Mariah. While at the same time, being true to myself. I love Mariah more then people ever will know. The pain came from that. Cause “I” was the one causing the pain. Me. Not someone else. *Sigh* I wish I could take back the words, the feelings I had for this other person....if I knew this is how it all ended. If I knew I was going to hurt Mariah this much. Cause my feelings.....they were never meant to hurt anyone. I just wanted to be honest. To be respected for telling the truth. Now as I sit here. Part of me does lose some hope. Cause if my honesty did this. Cause if opening up my feelings did this. Then.....I must of went wrong somewhere.....right? Right????? *Sigh*. Heroes, Villians, truly we are never understood anyway. At this point I don’t know what I am anymore----to anyone. Am I worth fighting for? After all of this? Am I?.......No.....I cannot say I personally am. Not when I look from the looking glass of another person’s perspective. Cause all I feel is disgust with myself. Cause all I feel is anger with myself. -------

Well....on the upside. Next year----even if......even if one of the people I hold dear doesn’t wish to see me anymore. I want to still visit Texas with Mariah and see them. Of course I’ll wish to see her best friend, her love, and her two other friends that have been helping her. ----I know I put a lot of shit on their plate with all of this----lost so much respect from them as well---probably made them even disgusted with me. .....yet I still want to apologize in person for all of this to them but most of all I just want to see them as soon as I can. Cause one of my biggest fears is that I will be one of the many people.....who get Cancer and die. Someone I knew had it. Then one of my dad’s friends, who I respected, had it. ....so I fear it. That something like that or similar will claim my life. Then I wanted to go see some Canadian folk up north. See how they are doing. Hang with them and potentially go camping with them,