i'm never satisfied

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“Sake it is then.” she waved over the waiter and asked if he could bring over her favorite brand of sake. Between the return of her aunt causing Mia to feel a certain way to the recent concert success, Odette had been through a roller coaster of feelings and emotions. It seemed like 2017 was bond to test her in different ways. From Alex’s reply, it seemed like the woman was dealing with her own problems as well. “Well if you ever want to rant, vent, or whatever tonight or even after, feel free to do so. I’m here to listen.”

Odette found herself smiling at the memory of Ryder and herself not too long ago doing a kickass job at the concert. “You’re going to make me blush.” she joked. “glad you enjoyed it as much as we did. It felt weird to perform like that again. I mean sure I do videos and post music on Soundcloud, but this? It was on a whole another level. I’m going to talk to Ryder some more but I hope we can do this some more in the future. It was nice.” The sake was brought over to their table and Odette thanked the waiter before pouring a small cup for the both of them. “Alright let’s make a promise,” she said raising her glass. “2017 we will do things that will make us happy. I know we are already a month in, but it’s never too late to make promises right?”

“And ruin our great night together?” Alexandra arched one brow, tilting her head to the side as she smiled at the other woman. “Don’t be silly, of course not! Thank you for offering, though.” While she appreciated Odette’s helping hand, she really didn’t see the point in turning that evening into a sad stories fest, which was probably what would happen if she started venting about the end of her relationship with Henry. “If the whole point of tonight wasn’t having fun, then I’d certainly taken you up on that offer, Dee.” When she bit softly on her bottom lip, Alex was still smiling, thankful for having what seemed to be a great set of friends around her, willing to help her out and listen whenever she needed them to.

Alex laughed softly when Odette mentioned she was going to make her blush and simply shrugged innocently. The woman was talented, smart, sweet, not to mention, hot as hell, so while blushing would only make her even more beautiful in Alexandra’s eyes, the older brunette didn’t see the reason to blush. “Oh, c’mon! You should’ve been used to it by now! I’m sure producers or managers have called you or Ryder to schedule a meeting because honestly--what I saw? That was pure and raw talent. And if you ever need my help to anything, please let me know. I’m dying to have your songs on repeat in my car.” Her eyes followed the waiter as they brought over their sake and the two cups, thanking them before looking up at Odette, letting out a nervous chuckle when the other woman suggested a promise. “I can’t exactly promise that, but I’ll definitely back you up on yours.” What we wanted and what we had to do were two different things and sometimes, they didn’t work on our behalf. “But hey--to you, only doing things that make you happy. Close your eyes and dive off that cliff, Dee.”

If it hadn’t been clear before how much his body urged for how, the moment the words echoed outside of her mouth, like a poem he was desperate to read, Henry was certain that there was no one else. It didn’t matter what others would say about their bad timing, their different point of views about moving on; not when his brain wanted to keep their moments vivid right inside of it, when his lips wanted to touch her lips again, to feel the softness of them, of her entire body against his mouth. There wasn’t a moment of his day that he didn’t miss that woman, that he didn’t feel the pain of being away from the person who had his heart. And before he could complement his speech, he had her again. The fast pace of their kiss, as he moved his hands resting on her waist, pulling her closer, trying to avoid having any sort of space between their bodies. Until Alex had been able to be more sane than he could be, which caused Henry to notice how he lacked control around her. Not only that, but an almost unaudible no left his mouth when her lips were no longer something he could taste. “You’re… right,” he tried to say while his lungs grasped for air, “but…” I want you so much though, she knew exactly what to say in that moment. How to arouse him, and have him head over heels about the woman he wanted to have in his life but couldn’t. And soon, his eyes were no longer hurting from looking at her and seeing what he was missing, he had her once again in his arms.

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It wasn’t because he was hot or because she was in love. No, the way Henry had been able to simply have a pull towards her went way beyond sexual desires and feelings. Alex couldn’t explain what it was, but she knew that she was powerless and at the same time, the most powerful around him. He had a way about himself that made her smile with the simplest acts and now that they were no longer together, it almost felt as if part of her had been left behind, too. Talking about this was a waste of time to say the least because she was the only one hurting--like she had told Summer: the world doesn’t stop turning just because of her broken heart, but that doesn’t mean that Alex wasn’t in pain. Maybe that was the reason why she had kissed him in the first place. Because she was in pain and it would’ve been worse to have not kissed him. Their lips clashed and Alexandra couldn’t hold back the soft whimper that escaped and died on his lips, muffled by the warmth of his closeness and it seemed as if her whole body was shivering, craving for more of his touch.

“Sadly.” There was nothing about that subject that Summer could come up with a complement to it, turning into a discussion throughout their night, so she allowed that one to die. Deep down, she just hoped those would understand that was not the kind of love they should go through, that they deserved true love. And it sounded so cliché inside of her mind, that Summer was indeed glad those words never left her mouth. Resting her legs at the coffee table while her back leaned against the couch, she continued sharing her attention with Alex, knowing that it was her night and Summer would do anything on her power to be there for Alex, since making her feel better was a challenge, and then, as the sound of the woman’s laugh echoed in her room, Summer couldn’t help but to feel she had accomplished something good. That for the first time she had been able to help someone, and it made her smile without a warning, before Summer could debate the idea of restraining herself from doing such actions. “I remember, I was having all the sex, and you were waiting. I mean… you have the power to do as you please, but just the idea of how many nights of sex you’ve missed, it makes me sad. Call me horny, promiscuous, I don’t care. I like ending my night knowing I had pleasure, a lot of it. And… You can talk about Henry for as long as you’d like to, I won’t talk about him,” the name didn’t leave her mouth, “but one thing I can assure that I miss… the sex. So I can understand. Moving on from something good, specially when not only you had someone who was great in bed, but also someone who won your heart. It’s sad, and fucked up. But he doesn’t owe your happiness, he’s not the sun and you can be happy. Have fun, go out there, meet someone, have meaningless sex. Cry about it later, just live your life and find a way to move on.”

“Aren’t we all horny though?” With a light chuckle bubbling on her lips, Alex then finished her bottle of wine and proceeded to refill it, thinking about how she should’ve brought something stronger to entertain both women, since they’d probably not be going to bed any time soon and it would take a lot more to get them both drunk. “I don’t know about you, but even though I have way less sex partners than you, I think it’s stupidity to label someone as promiscuous because they had a sex drive. Men do it all the time and they don’t get shamed for it, so why should we? No, you go there and you fuck whoever you want, whenever you want and if you need me to stand by your side and smack some sexist pricks, you won’t have to ask me twice.” She offered her friend a smile, winking too before changing the subject--except not really. “I still don’t know why we waited so long to have sex, now all I can think of is the amount of time we wasted being stupid because now we won’t be able to do it anymore.” With a sigh, Alex rested her back against the couch. There were lots of truth in Summer’s words and Alexandra knew it, but still, she reached over and brushed her knuckle against the other woman’s jaw line, caressing it briefly, before using that hand to hold onto her glass of wine, because she was going to lean her head against her other hand. “It’s not like that. I know he doesn’t own my happiness. He never did, but he played a big part in it. Just like you do. Just like my job does. But I don’t know if meaningless sex is for me. I know I could be missing out on some epic fucks, but I think I like it better when I know the person who’s in me. Or--with me?” She played, once again letting out a soft laugh.

His green eyes had been staring at the same person for too long, the moment Henry left the architect’s office, he could swear her voice was still in there, haunting him with ideas for the restaurant, words echoing and reminding him of the long hours spent inside of that office. Henry could feel in his body that he was tired, urging for the moment he’d have his work back and he could feel in peace. Soon, it’ll be perfect again and you won’t even remember what happened. The architect reassured him and he tried his best to pretend that it was the truth, after all, he had to focus on the bright side now that he didn’t have his personal cheerleader next to him. Alexandra King. And just like that, a fragment of his memories around her made it seem as if he had conjured her. Looking at his phone, the one he had just turned on, he felt he was dream and the world had stopped when his light hues read her name and a new text coming from Alex.

For a moment it almost felt as if nothing had changed, there was a smile on his lips,  warmity filling up his being with the thought that instead of getting that text from his ex-girlfriend, he was getting it from his girlfriend; the way they should be, if life wasn’t always a constant challenge with disappointments. And Henry stood still, struggling with his thought until he finally noticed the time she had sent it and what time it was at that moment. His heart skipped a beat as he left the building, reaching inside of his car to head to her office. They knew him, they’d let him in without a doubt; and he could only hope she was still there; because the idea of not showing up and Alex debating if it happened because of their break up was killing him.

His lungs were asking for air when he finally stopped in front of her door, watching every movement she did in front of him, mesmerized by her presence just as much as he had been when they started their relationship. Oh, he loved that woman. It was undeniable, because at the same time it made him happy to see her, it ached him that he couldn’t touch her, taste her lips against his. And it didn’t matter that everyone was telling him, he could move on. Because he didn’t want to. For the first time, he was too stubborn to care about everything else. “I’ve got your text. I was at a meeting, I didn’t see it before, I…” Words were constantly leaving his mouth as he reached closer. He was drawn to her, and soon there was just a few inches between both bodies as if he couldn’t stay away from her. They needed to talk about his restaurant, the new brand identity. But the words that left his mouth were far from that subject. “I’ve missed you. I know I shouldn’t say something like this because we know where we’re standing now, but God… Alexandra, I love you.”

The words rushed out of his mouth and before she could reassure Henry that everything was okay, he was standing right in front of her, making her mouth dry, craving for his tender touch and his soft lips. Not only that, but he was already saying every damned thing that Alexandra had been dying to hear. That he loved her, that he missed her. It didn’t matter that they were no longer together because it didn’t change the truth... it didn’t change the fact that she missed him too and that she had been miserable without him. It’s okay. Alexandra wanted to say as her mouth hang open, lips apart for a moment there, but no sound came out from them. Henry had managed what most people had deemed to be impossible: he had made her speechless. It’s okay, don’t worry about it. You can come back some other time. Or she could turn on her computer for him, but... really, standing there, with Henry mere inches away from her, telling Alex that he loved her--did she really want to discuss work? “I love you, too.” Finally, she breathed out and when she did, Alex realized that she had been holding in a breath and that was one of the reasons why her chest was burning. The other, the most obvious one, carried a first and a last name. “God, I miss you so much, I--”

What? You what, Alex?

It all happened in a fraction of second. One moment she was pouring out her heart to him and the other, she had her hands on each side of his face, lips searching for his as she brought him closer, closing the gap between them and finally, fucking finally, getting what she had been craving for in the past few days. Her arms slid around his neck and Alex allowed herself--even if for a brief moment, to get lost in the man she had fallen madly in love with. For a brief moment, yes, because then she was reminded of their agreement and broke the kiss, resting her forehead against his, after all, although she knew she shouldn’t be kissing him, Alex also didn’t feel compelled to pull herself away from him. She wasn’t that strong... and breaking that kiss apart had already drained too much energy, as fabricated as that truth might have sounded like if she had said it out loud. “We can’t--I can’t do this.” Alexandra whispered (mumbled would also be a great way to describe it), refusing to remove her arms from around his neck. “I want you so much, though...” As if by instinct, her lips searched for his once again. Her teeth grazed upon his bottom lip and of course, she couldn’t resist him... when she ever did? And just like that... just that easily, she gave in, kissing Henry yet again and this time, refusing to listen to the sirens flaring in her head, telling her to back off because this would only hurt more.

Summer listened to everything Alex needed to vent about, after all, she had just gone through the end of her relationship. And even if took awhile for Summer to go after her friend, the moment she needed to, she was there, at Alex’s apartment to share the news. “I’m not one to know a lot about relationships, but why would you be stuck in a relationship with someone who can’t respect your point of view and your choices? Respect is the key for any sort of relationship,” or so she thought; after all, she’d had a good example at home, when she’d watch her father around her mother. If there wasn’t something off about their youngest child, Summer would’ve been one to dream about relationships, to actually crave to find love when she was older. And then, she found it without a warning, she embraced the experience and now she was frustrated that at some point Summer Hale decided to love someone. “I don’t think it’s guilt, so you shouldn’t overthink about something like that… and well, maybe it’s painful for some. But I do know it can get me to higher places. The idea of being fucked right to the point i can’t even move my body, that’s what I aim for. Allowing my neighbors to know I’m reaching an orgasm, such a delight…” she replied with a grin resting on her lips as she took a sip from her wine. “Well, that kid won’t even understand the true meaning of it. They’d survive.”

“I don’t know, S.” Alex shook her head, her fingers threading along her dark strands before she allowed her gaze to rest on her friend’s blue orbs. “Sometimes people stay with another person regardless to how they’re treated. Thankfully it’s not our case, but it happens, sadly.” At the other woman’s following words, Alexandra couldn’t help but to laugh--leave it to Summer to turn a shitty night into a better one with her honest words about life and sex. Maybe that was why they got along so well, but Alex had always felt comfortable to speak her mind about anything with the other brunette, especially sex. “Honestly though? I don’t think Henry was that much into it until I suggested? I mean, come to think of it, I don’t remember if I suggested it first or if he did... all that I remember was that I came so hard that night. Like--we had been waiting to have sex for some reason?” She explained, shaking her head once more as a crease appeared on her forehead, as if she was trying to remember something. “Anyway--we fucked all night long and then some more the next morning. I kind of don’t want to move on from the great sex. Why does this have to be so complicated? I just want to come and be happy.”

Resting her hand against the woman’s face, waiting until her touch was no longer needed, Summer offered a brief smile, before she finished her glass, knowing that alcohol was her only way of going through this conversation, and as she poured some more to herself, her gaze landed soft on the woman’s dark eyes, watching as she confessed her frustrations, talked about her relationship. The failure was something that also annoyed Summer, due to different reasons, but they were still there inside of their systems. “You’re a beautiful, powerful woman who knows what you want. I’m glad that he didn’t force you to do something you didn’t want to, nor you tried to ignore your own desires. And I don’t know, I’ve only met guys who wanted to fuck me and leave me. Even Gabe didn’t seem to want a family, maybe Antonio… but I didn’t stick around to figure that out,” she shrugged. Leaning against the couch, holding her glass. “You’re saying it as if it was a burden. You’re comparing pleasure with pain… it doesn’t make sense, because who wouldn’t? I’d rather be fucked delighfully instead of forcing a human being out of my body, knowing it will cry on my ear for the rest of my life. But maybe, we’re only a few… the ones who’d rather have an orgasm than going through motherhood.”

“Yes, I know.” But it was always nice to hear it from a friend, so Alexandra listened carefully and cherished Summer’s words, because in the end, she was still sad and she still wanted things to be different, but alas, they weren’t. It happened. It was about time Alex would begin to understand that. “But no, he didn’t force me. I think that was why he worked so well--because in the end of the day, Henry and I have always respected each other’s wishes, you know? It was probably the only way this would work--if we trusted and respected one another.” She explained, the pang on her chest increasing at each mention of his name, but she figured that it was bound to happen. “I would never ask him to live a childless life because I’ve never felt comfortable with the idea of motherhood. I don’t know if it’s guilt for doing an abortion when I was younger, or simply because I don’t think motherhood would fit me.” She couldn’t remember if she had mentioned it to Summer before, her brief and troubling dance with motherhood before, but since she trusted the woman sitting near her, Alex didn’t feel any different sharing that. She did laugh though when Summer said she had compared pleasure to pain, which was true. “Who knows? Some women think it’s painful. It’s a matter of preference, I guess. But I’d rather have lots of orgasms instead of becoming a mother. I mean--dodging kids to have sex? Not being able to get loud? It’s too much work! What if we forget to lock the door and the kid catches daddy fucking mommy doggy style? Or mommy pegging daddy? Not that Henry’s ever asked me to peg him, but could you imagine how scarred that kid would be?”