Alchemic Tea

This whole sequence of events took place in less than 10 seconds. Reflexes, fuck you.

There’s a short, but in this case crucial moment, between wiping your ass and dropping the paper in the toilet bowl.

As I was wiping my ass, I sneezed. A slimy drop of snot landed on my upper lip and instinctively I put the paper I was holding, on my nose to wipe it off. My body’s way of saying “WTF bro, you put shit on your nose” was instant puking, which landed on my hands and in my lap. Now, I’m standing up, screaming out my disgust, with pants around my ankles, shit on my face and puke all over. Wife comes banging on the door, wondering what’s wrong. My instant thought is “she must never know”. In my stress, I reach for the door to ensure it’s locked, so that she can’t make any rescue attempts. Of course I trip, fall face first on the door. This doesn’t calm my wife, but leaves vomit all over the door and a hurting nose, which I instinctively grab to acknowledge the pain. It’s all a mess, like taken from a xxx-rated version of Faulty Towers

Been spending the last half hour showering, cleaning the bathroom and making up half ass explanations to my wife.

I still smell the shit in my nose.