#tifu

Today, my man came home to find me bent over the table with my boobs stuck inside inside two bowls and tears running down my face. But let's start from the beginning.

I accidentally forgot to put on a bra. I didn't realize it until the middle of the work day, where a weird scratchiness in my lil' gumdrops had turned into a vicious, unbearable burning, I went to the bathroom to check and saw that yup, no bra. Shit. Thankfully, the weather has cooled enough that I had decided to start wearing a jacket today, so I didn't accidentally give my students a show.

But by the end of the day I was almost crying from the pain of my blouse fucking sanding down my nipples. For a second I fully believed I would take it off and I'd have barbie boobs. Just smoothness, no bump. Like those cybertruck doors with no handle. I digress.

To make matters worse, I walk to work, so I had to endure even more scraping on the way back.

As soon as I got home, I started looking for something to soothe the pain and I guessed if chapstick is good enough for cracked lips, it's good enough for cracked nippies. I searched through the squirrel nest that is my desk and found a brand new chapstick that my friend had given to me. I lathered that thing all over my nipplerinos and went to lay down.

The relief was short-lived as it turned into tingling and then to fucking FIRE, as if Satan himself was sucking my tits. Turns out it was one of those chapsticks that plump up your lips with MINT AND CHILI OIL. I PUT CHILI AND MINT ON MY SHREDDED NIPNOPS.

Desperate to calm down the burning I cleaned it off as best as I could and tried to use milk to lessen the burn. I filled two bowls and just laid down on them, finally finding sweet, sweet relief. That's when my partner came in and, as testament to his character, he looked at me and, without missing a beat, went "I don't think that's how you're supposed to eat cereal, you could have just yold me to buy more milk."

OP shared his kitties in the comments: