A Large Blue Stripe

okay so i am home now and it isn't so bad. but it isn't so great. it is so late at night/early in the morning and i can't do sleeping. sigh. i dunno maybe. 

usually i put on a front. this is hard for me to talk about so that is the reason i chose to write about it instead. i am fully aware that this post, like all my others is purely self indulgent and simply writing about it won't change anything, but in writing this i hope it helps to get the thoughts out of my head. every single day of my life i hate myself. i hate being the human that i am. and it isn't good. i wish i didn't. i wish i could say that i'm happy with my fat tummy. i wish i could say that i'm okay with having really horrid skin. i wish i could say that it doesn't bother me that i'm ugly. and most of all i wish i could say i am proud of who i am. but i can't say those things, or at least, i can't say those things and know that i'm being honest with myself. i like to say that i'm confident and comfortable in my own skin, and for the most part i am. but i'm also really not if that makes any sense. i am completely aware that having these feelings is normal. and i am completely aware that these problems pale in comparison to the problems that others face. i have a wonderful support network of magical friends and family. but sometimes that just isn't good enough, through no fault of theirs. i could lose weight but then i think what's the point? no matter how thin or buff or whatever i get, i will still have a weird old face. and i will still see myself as unloveable in any way but platonically. i have a lot of venom and i seem to take it out on everyone. i do it in a light hearted way but even when i'm slinging little insults that are meant in jest it still makes me feel the tiniest bit better, that i can make people feel the smallest bit as gross as i do. i find it disgusting that this is a true thing. i use alcohol as a way to forget who i am. i am not an alcoholic by any stretch. but i still use it as a means to escape being myself. if i drink enough i forget, and maybe one day i'll drink so much that i forget who i am for a long time. these thoughts aren't healthy. in fact they are completely detrimental to not only my physical well being, but my mental well being also. i went through a phase of being happy. actually happy. i was surrounded by people i really like and that interest and entertain me. but at the end of it, i am still me. i'm coming out of that phase of happiness and starting to spiral back into being a lump of sad really. i keep finding myself willingly being alone, because when i'm alone i can just sit and hate myself. if you do that around people, they start to worry and i don't want that. i'm finding it increasingly difficult to stay afloat. i want to tell myself to just be happy and i don't know why but that just isn't working out for me. i'm not positive that i want to exist anymore. i dunno. 

i am up late and i shouldn't be. i am very tired but i can't sleep because i just keep thinking about things. i don't want to get too deep because i just don't want to but i have been starting to feel bad again. i go threw (through?) phases of bad sometimes and i'm just in one at the minute. only three more assignments till i'm done for this year at university. scary, exciting, i don't know if i want to leave yet? kitty is coming on friday and i'm so looking forward to her meeting all of my university friends. i hope she isn't too nervous about it. we will have a lot of fun i hope and i want to pep up by the time she gets here, but it's hard to pep up when my mind is off doing other things like reminding me that there's gonna come a time when everyone i know is with someone and i'll be a lonely little stone. i don't mind really because i enjoy my own company and i doubt i'll ever be ready for a relationship past something platonic and i don't know if i ever want to be. i have to write a script tomorrow and i have to be up at half past ten which would be fine but i am awake now and it's currently ten past four in the morning. i feel a bit wobbly. the worst is that i'm awake and no one else is, or rather if they are, i don't know it and they probably don't want me to know it. maybe? i'm a bit deflated and i keep finding solace in things i shouldn't. i don't want to have vices but they seem to be helpful at the minute so maybe for now at least i will continue to have them. i think the main problem about knowing that you are not going to do love and stuff is that. i don't know. i think that the whole thing is a problem and there isn't really a specific bad bit. i just know it and i don't really think there's a thing i can do about it. i could get proper buff but i don't have the time, inclination or will power to do that. but even if i was proper buff i think my personality and my general self is a great deterrent. i am happy that i do the best i can with myself in terms of being nice and good. i'm not happy that no matter how nice or good or funny or generous i will ever be, it still won't warrant anyone to be interested in me. so that's that i guess. 

i got some results back for three assignments and every single one of them broke my streak of As and Bs and I'm just disappointed in myself and also confused because for one of them i actually tried for real and it was really low and one of the reasons was i didn't use enough academic things but i thought i used a lot and i just don't see any constructiveness in this criticism and i am just having a bad day and i'm trying to not let it but it is just frustrating. it is also frustrating that another one of my marks was poor but some of the best things about it apparently where things that i did and it is just annoying. for once i would like to be top of the class maybe i should just stay in my room and go crazy and start knitting hats for snakes or something i don't know. 

i haven't wrote on here in a long time but i guess that's okay because it's not really like anyone reads this though is there? nope. i miss going to university, i miss my friends there a lot and i like not living with my parents and bro. i love my parents n my bro but they're just so up in my grill do you know what i am saying? this morning i woke up thinking i was back but i wasn't and i felt disappointed. but i have filled my holiday with nice people which has been good. on one night i went out with two of my newest and rarest friends who are really good and really really funny. i'm listening to a youtube video right now so sorry if this writing goes a little wobbly. my other friend kit is really a gem and i am so happy that this friend is my friend. we went out the other night and i threw up lots so she made herself throw up so i didn't feel alone. solidarity. and then there is my nice quiet friend who is great! however i did go to a 'party' that she hosted and i really dislike a lot of her friends really cos i mean they're nice enough but also really irritating seriously. mostly her male friends. i am sorry but it is like they never changed at all since sixth form, they are all a year or two older than i am and still haven't really done anything that different since then, and they quote family guy all the time and i don't want this to turn into a big thing about how annoying they are but they just are. eurgh bye bye i love you x

Would it be completely too brash for me to say a job? Because if it would a cappuccino would also be great. 

hello, i have been awake for a while now and i have not been to sleep yet and i have a lecture thing in like some hours. it'll be fine though. i bought a jumper today and i really enjoy it. i keep on thinking about things that don't even matter haha. i read through my older posts on here and i saw some spelling mistakes and they annoyed me but i think i'll leave them because it's only some mistakes and we all do them from time to time. i started writing another script. i think i want this one to be about a girl that falls in love with a boy she sees on the street and runs into and stuff and then it turns out that oh no wait she never wanted to be in love with him, she wanted to kill him and she was a crazy all along. i'm worried that it's too similar to my previous script that featured a similarly leading femme fatal but i think i'll get over it. i really like writing characters that is my main thing, dialogue too, and descriptions, just my narratives can be a bit weak i think. i've decided i'm going to put the very first bit of what i've written so far on here! i hope you like it and it will probably change a lot. kisses.  

so i am not really that bothered but that's a lie i am so bothered and i have a headache at how bothered i am. for my entire life i have thought that i am a really ugly human with lots of fat with an annoying voice and not much to offer, and that's fine i don't mind thinking that because it's true and it's not necessarily bad. but it kind of is a bit poison feeling when people are mean about it. i do not believe i will ever be able to have a relationship because of the way i look, and i'm mostly over it. mostly. but a boy in my halls who i think is really funny and he wears a top that says levi's on it a lot had a picture on his phone of a girl that was more chin than face and had teensy eyes and a big nose and big round glasses. and then he showed it round and said "i'm not saying anything but who does this look like in the room" and it was clearly me cos everyone else was skinny and they don't even wear glasses. and it makes me feel like i want to just kill myself a lot to be honest because usually i forget about it because i see that i make people smile but no one could ever proper love me lmao. sorry for being a sad potato and being self involved but it's just the honest truth, scouts honour. kitty is treasure. 

i went to berlin on friday! i went with university and i don't speak a word of german! rachel is one of our tutors and she is a sweet chestnut, i really like her because she is polite but cheeky and she gets my jokes. paul is american and comes from baltimore originally i think he said. he has a really great laugh and he comes off as very intelligent. i like them both a fair bit. i had currywurst! it's like a sausage covered in curry sauce. yum. dead nice. me and alex got pizza from a train station too and it tasted great. i really like alex she is my mate and she has a lovely laugh and her eyes are nice. she says dumb things to me sometimes and i take the piss but i think she's great and i hope if i ever offend her she smacks me on the wrist. me and ben drank some beer! in germany they do litres of beer and it is also very nice tasting. ben is such a good laugh and is a very nice guy i love him like my bro(ny[inside joke{apologies}]) and he was my valentines this year and today i bought him a burger king and i don't mind because he is worth a thousand burger kings. i walked around some with anton around the wall. anton is so great he is like the tall slim super friend i never had but always wanted! he is very talented i love how he draws and he told me he would draw me something (i did ask though) and i was touched and excited because it would mean so much! to me!! i think he has a lot of the feelings but that's really nice and i think he should just cuddle himself. maybe. but yeah they are all really great and i am so thankful that they are not vanilla in the slightest. they don't even mind it when i fart on them or say annoying things really! i bet they don't like me. 

okay so i really enjoy the company of basically all of my twenty five housemates but the thing is they are all a little bit vanilla. not that i am like a raspberry ripple or anything special but i think a little abstractly and i feel like i have to be apologetic whenever i say anything because they're too usual to understand it. that's the main reason why i miss my two friends from home because when i say something they just get it and they know when i'm having a giggle and they don't look at me like they're thinking 'what does that even mean why are you doing it' and i just. don't like it. like everyone cares so much about what other people think and how they look and i know that's a normal thing but i just don't even give a single one and so what if i want to dance on my own in the dark in the kitchen and maybe sing some songs really loudly or put my hair out of my face even though it looks silly. so what if i want to say things in a voice that isn't my own and put something up my nose or say that i like things that some people don't. so what if i don't shower everyday and my twitter bio doesn't include how much "music is my life". and so what if i worry more about the fact that i don't own a dog than i worry about having a person to have sex with. i'm going to berlin tomorrow and i can't wait but i know i'm going to want to be involved in the culture and walk around at odd times just to see what's happening and i know other people won't want to. urgh. 

today i called my dad. me and my dad get on really well some of the time but mostly we argue or we're just in bad tempers with each other. last night i told him i got a job at the local racecourse and he asked if i wanted new shoes and to be honest i thought he was being serious but then it later dawned on me that he meant like horseshoes and i laughed at how clever he is. my dad has a bit of a big nose and it has a nose joint in it you know like when noses look like they have an angle? well he has that and i have that too but my glasses hide it mostly. he has a big smile and a big belly and a small bald head and i love it when he does his big laugh and i rarely see him laugh but i love it when he does. i told him i love him and he said 'yep' which is his way of saying it right back and i've only just begun to realise that. he transferred me some money for my trip and i said thanks and he said something like it's no problem it's your money anyway but i still said thanks. i think that being away from home has really strengthened my relationships with my parents. both my mum and dad are quite protective and want to look out for me and when i lived at home it could be quite difficult. they used me going away from home as an excuse for me to be independent - like saying 'do your own ironing and make yourself some tea because when you go away we won't be there to do it for you' or something - when sometimes i would have really loved for someone else to cook my tea. now they're seeing me live alone and although they support me i think they are both quite proud even if they don't say it i just feel it really, maybe through my loins. there's a funny cat with a moustache in the radar bit of my dashboard and i think i might re-blog it. 

heur

if you would rather sit inside and play on a computer than go for a wander round then that's fine i guess but you're missing out on a lot. like mud. i often think that mud is undervalued. 

i am waiting on my result of an assignment to come back. hopefully by tomorrow i will have a rough idea about what i got. in my whole life i have never really been that great at something. i am not trying to put myself down so others will compliment me on my strengths such as my uncanny ability to always approximately know how many pounds will equate to how many dollars, but it is just the truth. i like to sing. i like to sing loudly and quietly and when i really try to sing i make sure no one can here because i might be embarrassed because i am a human. i like to be funny, i like it because it isn't something i have to force or try with it is just something i do and apparently people think it is funny which is nice. but i am sure that some of those things are true and when people deny them i stick my hand out in front of their face and say you are lying or you just don't get it and that's your fault. but i have a thing that i really enjoy doing that i am not sure of at all. the thing is writing. 'the result' is of a script i wrote because that's part of what i do, on my film production course. it is the first feedback i will have for something creative i have done and i am pooing myself all over. i don't mind if i don't get a 1st or a 2:1 on it or something but as long as the feedback is good then that is ok. if it isn't i don't know what i'll do really. i'll keep trying that's what i'll do. sorry if this has gone on for a while if it has annoyed you maybe have some warm milk and draw on some brown paper? 

today i woke up to the news that someone had been punched to death (with one punch) last night in a club in my hometown. just like dragon ball z. i'm not entirely certain about how i feel. i question if i have the right to feel anything considering i didn't know this person. at what point of contact are you given the right to an emotional connection? i suppose at whichever point an individual chooses.