Since the beginning of this year, I havenāt really been able to make anything. Sure, Iāve dabbled here and there, drawn a few pixels, edited the draft of the story for writers group, but Iāve had to force myself to do all these things. Even the thought of working on something harder made my brain shut down. I was terrified to make anything.
In other words, I burned out. It was a combination of NaNoWriMo, perfectionist expectations, general exhaustion, impostor syndrome, and family health issues (everyone is fine, by the way). It sucked having the desire to be creative but feeling just completely dried up. I wanted to sit down and work on enemy AI, but couldnāt bring myself to even try. It wouldnāt even be that hard; I have the framework and everything. But I couldnāt do it.
A few weeks ago, I grabbed the audiobook of The Neverending Story on a whim. Itās a favorite of mine, though itād been many years since I last read it. If youāre not familiar with the book, itās pretty different from the movieāthe movie follows the first half of the book, but then goes off in a different direction for the end (and there were awful movie sequels that were only vaguely connected to the book).
The second half of The Neverending Story is very strange, and a lot of people donāt like it. The pacing slows way, way down, and the adventure gets even more surreal and weird. I love it. The protagonist grows in a fascinating wayālearning who he is, learning what his deepest desires are. In order to do that, he has to make wishes.
His first wishes are to be strong, handsome, impressive, and adored by the masses. But over time, these wishes change him for the worst, and he literally begins to forget who he is. And in the end, he finds these arenāt things he really, truly wanted. He only thought he wanted them, but they ended up hurting him.
While reading about this character discovering what he actually wanted, actually needed, a knot inside me sort ofā¦ untied. My own path hasnāt been one-to-one with that of the protagonist of The Neverending Story, but the combination of rereading one of my favorite books and seeing him go through a similar creative journey affected me in a really healing way. It made me think about making stuff and why I do it and what healthy motivations look like.
This post wonāt have anything new from me, quite simply because I donāt have anything new thatās shareable at the moment. But I still want to share something!
First, if I can be honest with you: itās hard to see other people making Zelda-like games faster and better than I can. A few were published on the Switch, making me feel like I missed my window because Iām too slow.
I try to ignore that jealous part of me whenever it rears its ugly head, but itās still there. Itās jealousy rooted in fear, and thatās not healthy. Thereās more than enough room for other people to make games (yes, even if they end up better than mine!), and soāmaybe for my own health more than anythingāIād like to share some of these wonderful people making wonderful Zelda-like games with you. Please go check them out! :)
t3nshiās working on The Steamhaven Chronicles, a Minish Cap-esque take on the Zelda formula
diceyās making Tunic, which you might have seen at E3 and has an adorable fox!
naemo is working on Desecrated Light, which has one of the most gorgeous pixel art styles Iāve seen
Nathanael Weiss made Songbringer, which looks super cool, and itās already out!
Juice is working on Mistiqa, and Iām always impressed by how quickly he makes progress and how much varied gameplay he has
FervirĀ is creating Elysis, which has a really fluid-looking item/combat system
ITTAās jamminā on Ittaās Gun, which is probably more of a Hyper Light Drifter-like game than a Zelda-like, but close enough
Aloft Studio is creating Hazelnut Bastille, which is very LttP-ish and has a crazy variety of items!
From this point on, Iām going to make more of an effort to just make the game as I can. I wonāt force myself to make every #screenshotsaturday and #indiedevhour (that didnāt work anyway). Iām going to give up expectations for follower count, likes, favorites, retweets, reblogs, freaking out trying to calculate the most effective time to post, all that stuff, because in the end, that stuff doesnāt matter. Not really. Iām not making a game to validate my worth as a person. Iām making a game because I want to, and Iād like to share it with whomever else wants to play. I think a game made with that angle will be a much truer, purer experience rather than one made by driving myself crazy trying to be perfect.
This is the reason itās a hobby and not my job. I can take my time. I can work on the parts that I want to work on even if it doesnāt makeĀ āgood business sense.ā Not that Iām going to run away from difficult problems that pop up! But Iām not going to rush after success and validation. I donāt need to be admired by the masses. I just want to make a game, so thatās what Iām gonna do. And Iām gonna do it in a healthy (probably meandering) way because that really appeals to me. Thatās how I started, and I wish I hadnāt forgotten that for so long.
Thanks to all of you who are here for the ride. :) Iām grateful that you see something in The Waking Cloak! Iām back in the saddle and very much enjoying it.
