Queen Astrid

I had some driving practice yesterday for the first time in 15+ years. It went well but I cried afterwards. I had a 3 hour nap following it. I didn't tell my partner. He knows I struggle with learning to drive. He said I did great and we'll keep at it.

Almost 20 years ago when I was learning and falling behind my classmates, my parents neglected to teach me. I didn't like being the kid who still didn't have their license.

My mom would never give me instruction. Telling me to just drive. Then would scream at me when I would do anything wrong. This would leave to fights as soon as we were home. Usually ending up in physical violence.

My dad never wanted to teach me so he would set up an impossible task for me so he didn't have to. (My dad was constantly doing shit like this) This task involved me gear shifting up a hill everyone could barely walk up with blackberries on either side. Mind you, I didn't know how to drive so how tf was I supposed to gear shift a truck up a hill?

Not being able to drive has always been something I've been ashamed of. It's a big milestone for a teenager where I grew up. But I moved to Portland when I was 21 so I've never had to learn. The public transit is pretty good.

“I didn’t have all of this growing up.”

NEITHER DID I. I grew up in the country. In a city that used to be a small town with a grocery store and a gas station. I remember it being all farms. My dad refused to keep up with technology. The only reason we had a family computer (sans internet) when I was 17 is he was tired of picking me up from school and library so I could do my homework.

But I learned because I had to. We all have had to but for some reason it’s okay for older people to ignore the world and make excuses for them. These are all skills. I didn’t come out of the womb knowing Excel. I paid for classes. I watched videos. I STILL look things up.

I don’t know how to reconcile this. Especially because my husband now exists in the past. Forever 37.

Bloat has disappeared from my face as well. I catch myself staring at my reflection in mirrors. The inflammation was so bad before I barely recognize myself now.

My thirties have been a time of revelations. I finally have accepted I had a bad childhood and there's nothing I can do to go back and fix it. Even though I am still discovering things that should have been red flags in my childhood.

I finally got diagnosed with endometriosis and adenomyosis and gave up my uterus and cervix because I was tired of the pain. Two decades of excruciating pain I've dealt with since puberty because the adults around me told it was normal and to stop being dramatic. I missed school, work, vacations, outings, etc. because of something that should've been caught when I was a kid.

Recently, I did a genetic test to see if I could have celiac disease. The past few months I had cut gluten out. My inflammation, brain fog, joint pain, vomiting after eating and the dreaded diarrhea are gone. I tested positive for one of the markers. Not gonna lie, I cried. I've had these symptoms since childhood including a rash that develops on my neck after I eat gluten. I haven't done the actually eat-gluten-for-6-weeks test. I am anxious about it. Due to my symptoms and the genetic test, my doctor told me to cut it out of my diet for now.

This also, should've been caught when I was a kid. I can see the bloating in my thighs, arms and face in pictures from my childhood. Even when I was running 1-2 hours a day for years and doing squats, I never did gain definition in my thighs. I think it's because of all this.

I always used to cry and scream about how I didn't feel right in my body. I think everything combined made my mental health issues worse.