J-C0B

hey.... it’ me....

                               It’s been a long time since i last did this . I’m the same person really, not much has changed. I’m living back home again , taking things one day at a time as usual. Life seems to be slowly grinding to a halt and at the same time the world moves on... So what’s it like out their? Do you have a lover? Friends? Hopes? Dreams? What’s it like to be someone else? would it be better? I don’t really know if i want to know anyways i guess... i mean if i knew and it was better being someone else wouldn’t that make it harder to be just me. I am actually doing better than last time i wrote here. I just need to whine once in a while since i try not to do it offline. anyways i didn’t really have much to say this time just these few scattered thoughts ,

as always ,

soooooooo.....

                        I realized that my last two posts are rather similar , think there might be a through line there? Well i don’t really know what i’m here to right tonight i mean i just feel like i should write something. I had a weird dream last night. I dreamed i was finishing up an album but there were a ton of people watching and when i finished the last song the crowd went crazy and a huge party broke out. for a while i remember walking around going up  an elevator and looking for someone all the while thinking it would be nice to meet someone. Finally as the party seems to be thinning out i see her there a beautiful girl with strawberry blonde hair and a white dress can’t say i specifically recall her features i just remember she was beautiful and i was entranced. We talked for a while then danced for a while and then she pulled me away from the party and into an elevator to go somewhere . Next thing i know i’m kissing her and she’s kissing me back he time seems to skip and we are making love on a white sheets. And as we climax her beneath me, our hands clasped breathing heavy i woke up and it was the next day... I don’t remember the last time i had such a vivid and life like dream. it’ll probably stick with me for a while. Tbh kinda am hoping it’s maybe a sign of god things to come. Probably not but ya never know. anyways i thing that’s all for tonight but hopefully we will talk again soon.  

Hey, 

       it’s me , hows it going. I Don’t actually know if anyone reads these. Maybe one day i’ll do this more regularly, but this is where i’m gonna start. I had grew up around amazing people. No ifs ands or buts all the people in my close knit group of friends were amazing and i don’t blame them , but i always felt just normal among them. I am an ok artist, but many of them were, better, i could cook, but anyone can follow a recipe, i am musical, but not nearly as good as them. My every passion, my every skill,  my every thing that made me me, was merely average, lacking even among my amazing friends. I can’t get over it to this day and to be honest it’s always made me feel other, like i was less. Don’t get me wrong i realize it’s all me , they never treated me differently never left me out, always gave me the benefit of believing i was better than i believed/ knew i was. But i always have felt like i was the dumb one because i know just how amazing my friends really are. Most of all my best friend CME. He is inspiring and completely frustrating in that he has only ever failed at one thing to my knowledge. CME is smart, talented, good looking, and charismatic. We don’t talk much these days, both our faults really, neither of us seem to be able to remember the other unless we are in eyesight. though sometimes i wonder if perhaps i am simply imagining our close friendship because he is nice to me. I realize this whole thing probably just sounds like the whining of someone who is unhappy because life didn’t go their way but on my part i’m just trying to get out this feeling. I don’t regret most of my life decisions mind you I've made my share of bad ones. From time to time i just wonder if i really belong anywhere at all. I wish i was as amazing as My friends, as CME , i hate that i have always felt this way but i’m just average and i can’t seem to stop. life goes on and i’ll always just be. anyways i’m sorry for this post , just ignore it and move on if it gets you down. my life’s not that bad, i have a job , a roof over my head, and a couple people i hang out with from time to time and ill keep on living my average normal everyday life . because at least i’m alive right?

soooooo...

 here i am again doing this thing where i rant , i really should do this more often. well anyways had an interesting evening. was out all night with a buddy teaching him to longboard and DDing friends to make sure they got home safe. We dealt with some bullshit that was going on in our circle , or at least i think we did, we’ll have to wait and see. anyways hows life been ? i really dont do this enough just sit at a keyboard and start writing. Do you ever wonder if people really like you or the things you make? i do , like all the time. I have a hard time believing people enjoy me or my creations. maybe its just paranoia or possibly there are things i don’t like about myself and because thats what i focus on i feel like thats what others focus on as well... i don’t know. anyways i’ve written a few new songs so thats always nice have yo heard any of them ?                    (  https://soundcloud.com/secretsofcorn/redtracks-vol1-runnin ) tho lately its been really tough for me to understand why people hang out with me. i know it sounds like more whining and i’m sorry but thats just how i feel. i mean i’m fat and slow and pretty rude. I’m super sarcastic all the time , i really dont have much of a filter and i’m suuuuuper lazy. and i mean lets just say people have their reasons to like me as a person then how do i really tell if they enjoy music and aren’t just being nice to me because i’m their friend ?  anyways i guess thats all for now .

Hey....

            how’s life on the other side? Is there sun? Can you see the end of your road yet? Me i found another road, well that may not be exactly right. I guess a more appropriate way to say it would be i can see where the next road starts. That is to say i have finally decided what to do with my life. I’ve found a program that looks like the start of what i want. come July 2017, a little more than a year from now i plan to start the audio engineering and production program at the center for technology and arts in Kelowna! Now i know i know next year? that’s crazy you say that’s so far away why not just do it this July? well i have a few things i still need to deal with before i go. so I’m taking this year to deal with them and prepare myself. i am very excited and look forward to the things that are yet to come. As i look forward i find myself humming a new son , the next song of my life. anyways that’s all i really have for now but i plan on making this a much more regular event in my life ( writing here that is) so i hope you enjoy reading what i have to say as much as i enjoy writing it,

and as always

Sooooo….

                      Is this really what comes next? Never actually thought I’d say this but I’m in university now….. That’s right yours truly the fat lazy pubah of not schooling is back in school. Well to say the least I’m rather enjoying the social aspects of it not sure how i feel on the actual learning part yet. All that being said i am back where i started, and i don’t mean my mothers basement. I mean right before that , before this whole tumblr thing ever even occurred to me as an option. I’m back in chase. Which i mean , it’s not a bad thing… i love it here. I’m just missing something and i cant quite put my finger on what it is. Well , that’s not entirely true. I need more i need adventure I’m bored to be exact. I want what a night life and a day life i don’t want to be constantly studying i need to find a new discovery every other day and make new friends wherever i go . i’m done hanging out at home in my room . I need more. I want to live the way a really good record makes you feel, full of life full of energy and excitement. I’m looking for a new way to escape. And I’m not talking about using drugs, or alcohol to find a new high I’m going to find a way to quickly pay the debts i owe and then pack my shit and go somewhere anywhere but home anywhere but the quiet comfort of family and friends . I’m going to find me .

Let’s start with an update,

                                                I have been living here for a while now and it’s going good. I mean nothing particularly bad has happened, that being said nothing great has happened either. We went from having a girl no one in the house particularly talked to or knew at all really to having one of my good buddies renting the space. Recently Xander also removed himself for the most part from the living space and has taken himself and his things into his private dwelling...( more commonly referred to as his room) , so i don’t really see much of him except for when i bug him or he needs food. I do however hear him constantly , he has to be one the loudest gamers anyone has ever known. And last but not least my landlord ( TinTin { not that you know him } ) what to say about the grand stay at home.. i mean no offense to him he just enjoys his privacy. With that being understood he does enjoy the rare outing to several various redneck activities. As for myself i have gone from working at the unmentionable source... to working at the ever moving bulk barn. If you must know there is a new song in the works i’m not really set on the a title so for now let’s call it love is. Now don’t misunderstand there is no mystery woman in my life for whom i am pining.  but, i look around lately see my cousin getting married along with a couple of my close friends either being married or engaged . Then i have friends and family who are deep in their relationships or on the edge of just having walked/ stumbled away from them. It seems all of a sudden more than before completely evident that love is like a constant flow ever moving ever swaying but never really going anywhere. if it’s not right on top of us it’s always somewhere near, always close by. I seem to find myself thinking about my own love whom i haven’t met o far as i know. i mean there have been one or two whom at no more than a chance encounter i have found myself thinking about them more than i would like to admit, but never any more than that. this song is about the love i want to have the love i hope to have and the love that may or may not ever be . I am still in the process of getting a recording i want to post up bet for anyone who reads this or dosen’t here is a sample of the song so far.

https://soundcloud.com/secretsofcorn/love-is-mp3

Soooooo...

                    how does one manage to move so often you ask . well all i can say is i have no frigging idea! i just can't seem to stay in one place too long. i mean i appreciate everyone who takes in my fat ass but i really just can't seem to find happiness in any single spot, ...... yet . So i have as you may have already deciphered, moved again. I know its not exactly the most exciting news in history but whenever i move it seems to help me think. ... or maybe it's just stress... Not that it matters. I just need some direction i mean I'm twenty one in my twenty second year ( on this rock we call earth ) i'm still working for minimum wage, no real schooling under my belt, and really have no direction to my life. I don't know what to do, my inspiration seems fleeting and when i try to catch  it i seem to fall into another pit. do you ever feel a sense of falling, like you've been dropped and you keep seeing safe spots to land or ways to help slow you down so your not crushed under your own weight when you hit dead rock bottom, but every time you reach out for it or try to land it seems like you were farther away than you thought. Thats how i feel. Now don't get me wrong i don't mean to say woe is me for i have nothing and am one cast to the pits of tartarus oh woe am i whom have had my every inspiration crushed and my despairs enflamed. It's not like i don't understand that i need to stop just reaching for the soft spots and instead jump. But i could use a little help deciding which way to jump. which spot is right, and if i do land here is there going to be something better that i miss on the way down because i am already surrounded by all the cushion i can carry. I know that eventually i will come to the right spot and when that time comes i'll either jump and grab hold landing where i'm happy or it will turn out to be one more failed reach. i guess

i just need to keep moving forward.

What's up guys...

                                 It's sunday the sun is out and shining we live in B.C. the most beautiful place on earth and yet... we are spending another sunday sitting around playing games. Now i fully realize that everyone has been playing in the sun everyday we can and that we all need a break once in a while. But i grew up spending every summer in my favorite place on earth chase B.C Canada playing on the beach and in the water everyday come rain or shine an this just feels sort of wrong. I'm not sure i can fully express just what is wrong with it but i seem to have this feeling i just can't shake. I mean isn't summer all about fun in the sun exploring nature and all it's beauty... yet as we get older day by day and year by year there seems to be more and more of a disconnect between us ( people ) and the world around us. Technology seems to be taking over aspects of our lives that it just shouldn't . I do confess that if this avoidance is wrong, then i am no less than one of the greatest offenders. Non the less i am certain that it is not correct. Now with this being said i do not expect Sundays to change anytime soon we have done it this way for a few years now and it is always a good time whether we have 3 people or 16 people. I hope this weekly tradition continues for a long time to come and thank you for reading.

Sooooooooooooooooooo.. 

                                              I've moved out... again. This time to the hols' house. Now don't take this the wrong way i know it's the third time and i know they always seems kinda random. But' i have decided that tho i love my family i love them more from farther away. so as of Friday May the Twenty Third i am officially out of my mothers house    ....    Again. I spent most of friday moving my things from my moms to the new place. After work on saturday morning i came home and after sleeping for a few quick hours is set out to find my inner self.. and by that i mean food for two weeks. I really didn't realize how much groceries cost. seriously bread, hot dogs, frozen food, cereal, and a couple of fruits. $ 118.98 thats how much it cost for two weeks worth of food. Anyways thats just stuff. What i really want to talk about is the bedroom itself. It's a modest room not too big not too small. There seems to  be something kind of profound about having ones own room. i mean Really the bedroom is like a the space that contains you. It is the place where everything personal, everything that IS you is contained cut off from the world just you. What makes up your personality. your, likes your dislikes, even your taste in food can bee found in your room. it is you and yet it contains you. What i am trying to say is it is nice to have a space that is mine, that is me and only me, and that for now at least, it will be nice to see how i change and how the world changes around " me ".

Sooo as of Tuesday or as we earth type people might call it ... yesterday i now finally own eureka 7 on blue-ray. Now I know what you're thinking, you're saying Jacob WHO GIVES A SHIT!. Well for one i do. I give many shits. Butt....... beyond that and to the real matter, i am re-watching the series and am being reminded once again why i love it so much. It is probably one of the if not the Greatest love story ever seen on a screen. This show is one of the shows that truly makes me feel alive. When i first saw eureka 7 I was mesmerized by the beauty of the art and the rhythm of the music. I was totally and completely absorbed in it. I stayed up every Friday night and watched every episode even when they were doing reruns in between the translations. The story is so emotional and is filled with the best of happy and sad moments. It'll have you laughing hysterically one moment and then those same laughs will somehow turn into tears. This anime is definitely in my top 5 without debate. Watching this anime just feels good. As i sit here i can't help dreaming of the possibility of maybe one day creating my own piece that could influence someone as greatly as e7 has influenced me.So if you get a chance please watch this anime. anyways thanks for read and as always

Hey it's me but i guess you already know that. So i went fishing yesterday with my best bud casey and i caught my first fish of the season. It was awesome, I was so stoked. But man alive it was frigging cold i tells ya. anyways over all it was a great day we built a fire as soon as we got there and just had a good time hanging out. At one point though i got my lure stuck and went in to get it forgetting that my phone was in my pocket. Anyways my phone is probably dead now so i am back with my lg optimus. last night i did an interview/ audition thingy for the church band. Basically it's just a test to see where i am at with music and playing. I think it went well  but i won't know for a few days. anyways later that night went out for hachos and drinks with a couple buds and had a good long convo about good music and the like. anyways really glad to be getting back into the church band really missed it, felt just like a fish outta water.