AJ

I lay sound asleep as I could feel I

each breath gets harder and harder (I)

Every time I fall asleep, i'm always at risk of dying

Every time I fall asleep it’s like torture. (S)

Like someone was ripping out my lungs, piece by piece

I never know whether I’ll wake up the next morning

Or not.

I shot up as if I was awoken by a loud gunshot. (S)

It was happening.

I could feel myself losing air

I couldn’t breath

It felt as though every time I inhaled

I was breathing in stomach acid. (S)

I start to cough as my lungs

Fill with fluid

Air, I need air

I struggle to get up.

I have to get to my parents

With every move I made

It felt as though sandpaper

Was making love to my lungs (S)

I fell out of my bed and onto the floor

My lungs struggling to catch a breath

I was drowning and there was no way to help

My lungs beg me for air (P)

But I just can’t give it to them

I beg them for forgiveness (P)

For I have failed them

The light turns on almost blinding me with its infinite brightness(I)

God is that you? Have you come to take me

Away from this hell on earth

I open my eyes cautiously

And I see my mother hovering over me as if

She were an angel sent by god himself (S) (I)

She told me I will be okay

But I wasn’t going to be.

Not this time.

I could hear the faint sound of sirens in the distance (I)

As I began to drift into a soundless sleep

As I grow unconscious,

I hear my mother weep words of sorrow (I)

I hear something like an explosion (I) (S)

As the ambulance burst into my bedroom

It was too late

They were too late.

I’m dying

And there is nothing they could do

I let my heart cry weeps of agony(P)

As the thought of never waking up again

Crept in.

I was sad and angry

But there is nothing I could do.

I was going to die because I couldn’t master

My biggest fear was being alone with him

He had hurt me so many times in the past

While everyone was home

I couldn’t even imagine what he’d do

When it was just the two of us.

Alone.

My brothers out with friends

My mother at work

My father, only god knows where

My sister had just dropped me off

I begged her to take me along with her

But she was with her friends

She was three years older than me

What 12 year old wanted to hangout

With a 9 year old.

I begged and begged

I’d rather be anywhere but home.

With him.

She said no.

I locked myself in my room

Trying to keep him away.

It started to rain.

I watched each rain drop fall towards the ground.

Thinking back to that moment it was beautiful.

The vulnerability.

The way each rain drop fell carelessly toward the ground

Without even the slightest

Promise of a

Soft landing.

I was enamored by the rain

And that’s what got the best of

Me.

I unlocked my door and left my room.

I wish I hadn’t done that.

I walked downstairs into the living room

He was laying on the air mattress

My mom had blew up for him.

“Where are you going” he asked

“I want to play in the rain” I replied

As I walked towards the back door

I could feel his eyes

Burning into my back

I should have stayed in my room.

As I passed the air mattress

He grabbed my arm

And pulled me on to the air mattress.

I struggled to get loose.

He wouldn’t budge.

I should have stayed in my room.

I gave up.

I laid there emotionless

Numb.

It was like my body

Was unconscious,

But my mind was awake

Like sleep paralysis

But only this was real

I should have stayed in my room.

He began to take off my pants.

Followed by my underwear.

I couldn’t scream

I couldn’t yell

I couldn’t even cry there was no use

No one was home

No one could help me

I remember asking god

“Please make it quick”

But it seemed to go on forever.

Just like every other time he’d done this to me

“You’ve gotta push back Amiyah to get it in” He said.

I should have stayed in my room

I didn’t move an inch.

I was paralyzed

Incapacitated.

Maybe if I didn’t move he’d stop

I was wrong

I should have stayed in my room.

I felt him move himself

Inside of me

Outside of me

And back inside of me

It seemed to go on for hours

But was only minutes

The feeling came back to my body

As I felt the air mattress dip

And then fall again as he stood up

“You can go outside now” he said

Walking towards the kitchen

I felt myself starting to tear up.

I should have stayed in my room

I looked outside as I laid on the air mattress

My pants thrown on the couch

Underwear not in sight.

I should have stayed in my room

I remember thinking

“This is all my fault”

“Why didn’t I stop him?”

“Why didn’t I yell for help?”

“Why didn’t I just say no?”

“Why didn’t I say anything at all?”

I felt empty.

And that emptiness has never gone away

Finally,

I get the courage to grab my pants

And shuffle to my room

I was too young to process what had just happened

But I knew it was wrong

Very wrong.

Why’d I leave my room?

I hid under my bed

That’s when I called my mother

“Hello” she answered

“Mommy?” I choked out

“What’s wrong? I’m at work Amiyah?”

She sounded tired

“Grandpa raped me”