Im Just Here To Be Alone

Ya dude, I’m gay

I still don’t regret it. I want this kind of friendship. I think it’s okay. I didn’t do any research, nothing from my past but I need to trust it. I love him

I am just here to be alone. I messaged him. I am in Berlin. It is beautiful here. I keep taking panic attack pills because Sabina asked me about the acne around my mouth and then told me that hers was herpes. So now I have convinced myself I have it too, although that doesn’t make any sense really. I need to say that. Because that’s what I want to believe. Because it’s true. This is what it’s like being in my brain. I don’t think anyone is supposed to know. I want to kiss him. I know it’s wrong. Well actually I don’t right now. I feel as though I could live with how wrong it is. But I know nothing will be the same. Never. When I think of how she has me blocked on everything. No more sitting on their couch. I may never meet the child. So bizarre. I don’t want to see any of the others again really. I mean it wouldn’t be bad but I think I would feel too bad. I abandoned them. Didn’t I? I did. I was pretentious. But also we have grown apart. Jesus Christ will I ever stop feeling guilty for things. I think that’s one of my strengths. I didn’t tell him about Drake and I know why but I don’t want to know. I also know he will tell me it won’t work out between me and Drake. Which is probably why I haven’t told him, because I don’t want to explain. I don’t know. I am so full of emotions but I have enough of a feeling that I need to do this. I said I loved him and it felt good. Really good. I haven’t said that in a while.