The Hunger Games — 2012 dir. Gary Ross

How have you been? The propensity for living in the past was their literal superpower, yet, to share that experience with others brought a swirl of realizations and miseries. To see the effect it had on others, to see that this was a devastating affair had spiraled Paloma more into herself in a way she had not really been able to reconcile with. No photos, no art, nothing was a comfort for the curse that retrocognition was for the student body, for themselves. You could run but you couldn't hide and through all the throws of avoidance came sweeping discoveries that she would have to face this. Or be faced with a fuckass aptitude test that brought it up anyways. It's then she's honest with Ale, there's no need to lie, no need to put up a facade or pretend that the experience itself wasn't devastation. No point to lie either -- her trauma had been on display. "Fucked up, Ale. Absolutely, ridiculously, hilariously FUCKED up." They take the flute, chugging it just as ungracefully, it was their 5th one at least and it didn't do a damn thing. "I don't want to yuck your families yum but that shit we dealt with is what lawsuits are made of. Not that I have the money for a lawsuit. My powers have just been real fucked since. Hasta los cajaones, for real." It was true, something had gone wonky since, a metamorphosis, a break in code. Was it evolution or regression? "I know I'll be fine. I've been through worse. Much worse." Nothing could top losing your twin, a morbid comfort. "But right now? Fuck Vanguardia. Fuck this ball. Fuck this institution and, " this time, their voice is louder, "FUCK THIS CHEAP CHAMPAGNE!"

breath left her in a thin, humorless stream, something between relief and resignation curling at the edges of her chest. paloma’s explosion had startled her at first ⎯⎯ sharp, unfiltered, cutting through the suffocating politeness of the evening. but god, it was almost comforting. someone finally saying out loud what alejandra had been choking on for weeks. she watched her friend with a small, crooked smirk, one that threatened to soften into something sadder if she wasn’t careful. paloma could be reckless, loud, chaotic, gloriously honest. she envied that. she never had that luxury. every step, every expression, every breath she took in these halls had to be spotless. perfect. and yet here she was, sinking into the chair like she’d finally run out of ways to pretend. she leaned forward, elbows braced on her knees, lowering her voice so only the other could hear. “ what did you think this whole party is for ? ” she murmured, gaze flicking toward the glittering room beyond them, jaw tightening. “ they’re not celebrating us. they’re covering their asses. ” the words tasted bitter, but they were true. she grabbed her champagne and swallowed the rest in one practiced sip, ignoring how it fizzed against her nerves like static. when she set the glass down, her fingers trembled. barely, but enough for her to notice. enough for anxiety to coil tight beneath her ribs. “ my powers haven’t been right either, ” she admitted, thumb tracing the rim of the emptied flute. “ something’s ... off. but maybe that’s just what happens when you’re forced to relive the most traumatic moment of your life. ” she hated saying it. hated admitting weakness. but paloma had already ripped the bandage off, and ale didn’t have the strength to keep hers hidden tonight. a dry, humorless laugh slipped out of her. “ and we’re not even at quarterly finals yet. if this is how we’re starting, i’m terrified to see where we’ll be by spring. ”

#same

his class had wrapped up a few minutes early but rather than heading back to his dorm, or grabbing lunch like most of the other students — some even extending an invite to him — toby found himself drifting down the hallway with a purpose he still wasn't ready to examine too closely. his mind was focused on their brief interactions earlier that morning, alejandra appeared like she was somewhere else entirely, her smile hadn't quite reach her eyes — it didn't sit right with him. toby paused outside of the room and scanned each face that exited, waiting for her to appear ; listening to the muffled scraping of chairs and the fading footsteps and chatter. he poked his head inside and let out a quiet breath, then took a few slow steps into the room until it was just the two of them. his hands twitched at his sides when she made the effort to stand, then she slipped back into her seat and he fought every instinct in him to race forward, to steady her. what if she didn't want that right now? concern was openly written across his face, his jaw tightened as he listened, then he nodded once. " okay, " he murmured, his voice much steadier than the way he felt. " you don't have to talk about anything, " a beat. " i came looking for you for a reason though, " his tone stayed gentle, cautious, but a quiet firmness lingered underneath — he'd offer her the chance to tell him what was going on before prying. " i wanted to see you. " toby crossed the room after the admission, his steps slow the closer he got to her. " so if you're taking a late lunch, i suppose that means i am too. " his hand brushed along her back, the other grabbing her bag and throwing it over his free shoulder before extending the hand out to her. " let me help you. "

she hovered for a moment, staring at his hand in hesitation. it shouldn’t have been this complicated ⎯⎯ touching him, choosing him, letting herself lean without checking every shadow for an audience. yet her eyes couldn’t help but drift toward the doorway, sweeping over the semi - crowded hall with a jittery instinct she couldn’t quite tame. still, the sight of his hand waiting for hers softened the tightness in her chest. she slid her palm into his, her grip tentative at first, then firmer once the warmth of him sank through her skin. rising made her head spin for a moment, but she hid it behind a forced exhale. “ we don’t have to do everything together, you know. ” she mumbled, though the words came out colder than she intended, which she immediately regretted. she squeezed his hand, shoulders drooping in an apology. “ sorry, ” she whispered, a faint smile tugging at her lips as she tried to smooth the roughness away. “ i’m not trying to bite your head off. i’m just … tired. haven’t really been sleeping well. ” then as if her body wanted to prove the confession true, a soft yawn slipped out, unexpected and almost pathetic. she lifted her free hand to rub at her cheek, the gesture small and kind of embarrassed. she wished she could lean into him, rest her forehead against his shoulder, let herself stop pretending she was fine. but the fear of assuming too much kept her spine rigid, expression composed in that delicate way she’d mastered. “ did you need something ? ”

FIONA PALOMO(c) instagram stories

Hanif Abdurraqib, They Can't Kill Us Until They Kill Us

there  was  a  dark  cloud  over  vanguardia.  søren  felt  it  just  as  deeply  as  the  students.  whenever  he  closed  his  eyes,  he  was  back  there  as  though  he  had  never  escaped  the  simulation  —  a  long,  tarmac  road  with  a  car  upturned  at  the  side  of  it,  slipping  halfway  down  a  grassy  verge,  home  to  a  waxy  version  of  his  younger  self.  it  had  been  years  since  he  had  experienced  such  heartache,  such  an  uprooting  of  memories  he  had  worked  to  bury.  since  the  accident,  through  their  marriage  and  training  and  alongside  raising  a  daughter,  him  and  sigrid  had  discovered  ways  of  managing  the  memories  that  threatened  to  wriggle  through  the  cracks  of  his  rationale.  nothing  seemed  to  work,  not  anymore.  classes  were  suffering,  headed  by  a  tutor  with  dark  eyes  and  exhausted,  weather - worn  features.  the  lines  that  life  had  placed  upon  his  face  seemed  deeper,  almost  like  cracks  in  leather,  and  it  was  that  exhaustion  that  had  guided  him  outside  into  the  fresh  air  that  winter  day  to  escape  the  warmth  of  the  ball.  the  brisk  air  caught  his  cheeks  and  brought  the  familiar  chill  of  home.  he  wondered  whether  it  was  a  sign  to  return,  the  slow  unravelling  of  his  mind  and  sanity,  or  whether  a  trek  back  to  sweden  would  be  the  final  nail  in  the  coffin.  søren  didn’t  have  all  that  much  time  to  come  to  a  conclusion  ;  his  exhausted,  stricken  blue  eyes  focused  on  alejandra,  and  he  offered  a  weary  smile. “you  don’t  have  to  worry.  i  won’t  tell  anyone  if  you  don’t  want  me  too,”  and  there  was  a  silent  assurance  again,  much  like  that  day  back  at  orientation.  soren  was  there  for  ale  in  the  way  a  father  might  have  been,  just  without  the  blood  ties.  “was  it  a  little  much  for  you  too  in  there ? ”

her first instinct was escape. spine rigid, breath tight in her throat, every part of her ready to bolt back into the shadows before anyone could witness the wreckage. she wasn’t supposed to be seen like this. not fragile, not unraveling. but søren’s voice — worn at the edges, gentle in a way that didn’t demand anything of her — loosened the knot in her chest. the tension in her shoulders sagged and she exhaled softly, sliding just a little to the side on the bench, a wordless offering of space if he wanted it. “ yeah, ” her nod was small, barely more than a dip of her head. hands curled in the fabric of her gown, grounding herself in something she could hold. she kept her gaze low, lids half - lowered, as though looking directly at him would make the shame climb up her throat again. “ i used to look forward to these parties. ” a small breath, then another, steadying. “ the music, the outfits, the way this whole place felt different for a few hours. ” her voice thinned, the hurt from earlier slipping into the cracks. “ but tonight … i don’t know. i’d give anything to be somewhere else. ” she paused, teeth sinking lightly into her lip as she forced herself to look up. the doctor’s face was lined with the same heaviness she’d seen in the mirror for days, and she tilted her head, brows drawing together in quiet concern. “ what about you, dr. holmström ? why are you out here instead of inside ? ”

"Love, friendship, kindness. That doesn't make me weak. It makes who I am."

oh, her laugh could truly cure anything for him. toby's smile grew wide at the sound of it, it gave him butterflies — he'd heard it countless times before and always searched for ways to hear it again. " groupies? hm, hardly even noticed. jealous, rhodes? " he teased with a raised brow, an amused grin plastered on his mouth. if she knew, really knew, that half the time he said things just to see her eyes soften, or to catch that soft laugh under her breath, she'd realize that the only person he was trying to charm was her. he's quick to soften again, exhaling quietly and slowly to again ground himself when the very warmth she brings sends his heart in a frenzy. his attempt at stalling on the question he asked her, the direction of conversation he led them toward, was clear in the way his breath caught somewhere tight in his chest. the words he wants to say feel too big, too risky, like one wrong move could make everything between them crack. his fingers brush against hers intentionally, a soft and timid question in their own right. then, he started to smile. toby pulled back from her to crawl into his bed — tucking himself tight under the covers and propping his head up on his pillow, a playful pout replacing the smile. " will you stay with me? " toby asked quietly, lifting the covers as an invitation into his arms. " i'm pretty sleepy, dunno if i'll be effective enough to sneak you out until morning so ... should play it safe ... "

the femme blinked at him, caught off guard by the way he tossed the accusation so casually, scoffing as her mouth moved before she could filter a single thought. “ i’m ⎯⎯ not, ” she insisted, the first part sharp then dipping into something uncertain. heat gathered beneath her skin again, not embarrassment exactly, more like the sudden awareness that she wasn’t lying as convincingly as she hoped. she’d never given any real attention to the girls orbiting toby, never thought she had any place to feel bothered by it. he was allowed to be wanted, and she was supposed to stay untouched by that. but being here now, with him looking at her like she was the center of an entirely different universe, the idea of someone else having a claim on even a sliver of him made something stubborn spark alive inside her. then that soft pout, that quiet question offered like something delicate, triggered another small realization that there was nothing he could ask that she’d refuse. ale eased herself beside him, slipping into the space he made. his hold wrapped around her so seamlessly. “ yeah, i’ll stay. ” she murmured, nestling closer, gently wrapping an arm around his waist. no longer caring about curfews or rules or the trouble she’d walk into if anyone found her here. none of it mattered. she closed her eyes briefly, letting the silence settle between them, then exhaled a breath. “ hey, ” the question rose before she could pull it back, threaded with worry and hope in equal measure. “ do you think we’ll be okay ? i mean … considering we might’ve just ruined our friendship tonight. ” because she knew what they’d done. she knew the line they’d stepped over. she knew once feelings like these surfaced, there was no way to shove them back into the dark. she knew she didn’t want to. she also knew this — him, them, whatever they were becoming — was worth every risk. still, a quiet anxiety echoed inside her, one she couldn’t silence … the fact that they’d changed everything.

via ig - fionapalomo

she always had a way of dismantling his defenses without even really trying. she didn't realize how easily she knocked the breath out of his lungs just by choosing to understand him, instead of pushing like the others before. he nearly unraveled at the brush of her thumb, it was always the smallest things with her — the natural gentleness that made him feel seen in ways he didn't know he needed. " well maybe one day we can both talk about that stuff a little more. especially when it's weighing heavy, " he offers quietly, nervously, like he wasn't familiar with the vulnerability behind it but wanting it as long as it was with her. when she threaded her fingertips through his hair, toby didn't even try to hide the way he leaned into her. it all felt like something he'd been waiting for without even knowing it, like it fit him in a way nothing else had. " i would've noticed you, " he said confidently. even if she'd kept her walls sky-high, he knew she still would've caught his eye. maybe he wouldn't have understood her yet and maybe neither of them would've been ready for each other, but he couldn't imagine a world where he walked past her without feeling that pull. " yeah, i definitely would've noticed you. do you think you don't light up a room the second you walk in? it's all i notice. " and then, sitting together on the side of his bed, he let himself move closer. it was subtle at first but then he shifted slowly, almost testing, until their sides were pressed fully together and the mattress dipped beneath their combined weight. naturally, inevitably in each other's space. he lifted his head and let his arm slip around her, fingers smoothing over the line of her back. he breathed her in, letting the moment settle over him. he turned slightly toward her, just enough that his knee bracketed hers — their legs tangled together. and in the quiet shared breaths, it hit him with startling clarity that they had found each other exactly when they were meant to. " can i ask you something? "

she didn’t stand a chance against the way he spoke, each word landing with a sincerity that made her pulse stutter. heat crept up her cheeks before she could stop it, blooming warm and embarrassingly obvious. compliments had never sat comfortably on her, usually feeling like clothes tailored for someone else. praises meant only to shape her into the image people want to see. but from him, they settled differently. she let out a soft laugh in an attempt to brush away the pressure in her chest with a teasing lilt. “ dios, ” she scoffed, playfully rolling her eyes, “ you really are quite the charmer, aren’t you ? no wonder you have groupies. ” she chuckled again, though it was easier to joke than admit the way his words settled deep, how he easily made it sound like he genuinely believed in them, in her ⎯⎯ so much so that it secretly made her wanna believe, too. when he shifted closer, her body simply folded into the space he offered, instinctive and unafraid. she melted into him, letting his warmth sink into her bones. she let him guide her into the curve of his arm, let her fingers relax against the mattress, let herself feel. she tilted her head, drawn in by the softness in his tone, curiosity flickering through her like a spark. leaning in closer, voice dipping into something gentle and almost breathless. “ … what is it ? ”

had it not been for the topic of their conversation, toby would have struggled to keep his eyes away from her when he heard her dress hit the floor. they remained locked to his lap until he felt the bed dip beside him, gaze immediately shifting toward her, body sliding just a tad closer as he chased her warmth. " yeah, yeah it was, how'd you know? sorry, i mean ... for lying about it. i don't really talk about it, it's actually something i try to keep a secret. " eyes follow their hands as she finds his again, his shoulders relaxing the second he felt her touch. how could one person have that kind of power over him? one touch and he felt the worries disappear, his eyes followed her thumb as it brushed his knuckles. each word that left her mouth, a part of him believed — maybe it's because she could understand him in ways others couldn't. would they have forgiven him if they had the ability to do so? he could believe it, but maybe they could help each other believe it together. " you're real good at that you know? " toby finally spoke up, head tilting toward her and eyes narrowing a bit while he studied her, " making people feel better. unless i'm just getting special treatment right now cause you like me so much, " he adds with a small smile, then gives her shoulder a light nudge with his own. " but i think our parents are in that place together. maybe that's how we're even sitting here today. " he exhales softly, absently playing with her fingers as a distraction from their grief, at least for right now. maybe they finally deserved a break. with a dramatic sigh, he leaned down until his forehead met her shoulder, searching for comfort in this new way he quickly learned meant simply finding her. " i wish i knew you a long time ago. "

features softened at his apology, and ale instantly shook her head. “ no, no. you don’t owe me that, ” she mumbled, brushing her thumb along the side of his hand as though to underline the thought. “ i just had a hunch, but i figured you weren’t ready to talk about it then. i didn’t want to make the situation heavier than it already was. ” there was no judgment in her words, only a tender kind of honesty. she ’d spent half her life building walls that were nearly impossible to scale, and somehow toby had made it look effortless. the irony wasn’t lost on her. when he teased her, she smiled, nudging his knee lightly with her own. “ well, newsflash, hale ⎯⎯ you’ve always gotten special treatment from me. even when i pretended you didn’t. ” it slipped out before she could decide whether saying it was a good idea, but she didn’t take it back. it was true. she’d always been more comfortable with him in ways she couldn’t explain then. him resting his forehead on her shoulder made her still in a way that wasn’t fear, wasn’t hesitation ⎯⎯ more like recognition. she let her hand drift to the back of his head, fingertips tracing through his hair with an unthinking affection. his statement loosened something inside her, letting out a small chuckle. “ if we had met way before the time we actually did, i highly doubt you’d even notice me. ” she quietly admitted, lifting her chin up slightly to rest on top of his head. “ i kept to myself a lot. back then i wasn’t … someone people cared about. i made sure of it. ” it felt safer staying in the background when she was younger, keeping her head down. she didn’t want anyone digging around in her life and finding things she wasn’t ready to carry out in the open. and by the time people started paying attention, it was only because the school had chosen her to be their poster girl to parade around. the idea stuck to her though. if they had crossed paths sooner, maybe it would’ve saved them both from a lot of things. or maybe they wouldn’t have understood each other yet. she has no clue what would’ve happened, but she’s glad that he came into her life when he did. she’s never felt this at ease with anyone, but with him, offering herself up like this felt like the most natural thing in the world.