nuthin' but A.G. thang

I learned the news of Liam Payne’s passing while I was at work in the office, already having a stressful work day. My supervisor announced it and I felt like I just? Couldn’t breathe? The entire office was silent for maybe 5 minutes before it erupted with jokes and insensitive comments. I feel like I blacked out but I think I said I was a big One Direction fan but no one acknowledged it or cared to. Not that I expected it. I just had to continue on, business as usual, because fucking capitalism. Even though I was fucking upset that someone was more so focused on questioning how falling off a balcony that “doesn’t seem that tall” was possible. As though we didn’t have a company wide day off for “Mental Health Day” like not even considering the possibility of su*cide and substance abuse and addiction.

I was mostly in shock but I can now recognize that subconsciously I tried to suppress my sadness. I didn’t want to be sad because I had just come to terms that he was abusive and predatory. But as many people are rightfully reminding all of us: multiple things can be true and conflicting emotions can co-exist. The fucking internet simplifies everything and cannot fathom nuance.

Now that I’ve been able to sit in my feelings and allow myself to really think since I’m in a safe place to do so, I allowed myself to cry and feel sad. I don’t like to throw the word “nostalgia” around but that’s truly what it is. 1D played such significant part of my formative years and growing up. Liam is part of that and I mourn that boy who I loved so fucking much.

I really held off on going on here bc I knew it would break my heart. While I made sooo many friends and connections through One Direction IRL that I cherish, who have ALL been reaching out to me, the 1D Tumblr fandom was something else. The 1D Fanfiction fandom SPECIFICALLY! God it was so special to me bc I didn’t share it with anyone else in person. Very few people in the 1DFF knew me outside of being an author/reader. Idk if any of yall came back on here in the midst of it all, but if you did and are reading this, I am sending you so much love and hugs. We all loved the boys in a unique and special way that made us creative with our individual storytelling and, I swear to fucking god, create masterpieces of work that I still think about.

Because of 1D, I completed my first ever fanfic that I never thought I could accomplish. I jokingly called it my first book but it honestly was (…not a very good book, but I still hold it dear to my heart lol). My fictional portrayal of Liam was one of the main characters, and I’ll never forget how fulfilling it was characterizing him. 1D was my muse and they all inspired me to write, and to be brave enough to publicly share my work. Their music would help me get through writer’s blocks. Reading other people’s 1D fanfics motivated me to keep going and grow in writing.