Never crossed my mind nor my lips,
Never even once in my list,
But I ended up clicking Hospital Sultanah Bahiyah, Alor Setar during eHO just now.
First it showed database error at 11.59. Then I got into the system right at 12 on the dot. I was going fast I knew I was getting my first choice. And with everything happened so fast, I seriously got Pilah at first, I was literally only 1 click away, only few secs delayed, then puffff it was gone. Tears started dropping. So weird and felt unfair because it was only 12.01 but there was only fewww hospitals left. Panic kicked in because the available list wasn’t familiar at all. At all! There was Klang, but I don’t want Klang. Saw Taiping, and immediately clicked it next, but puff, gone. There was Johor but I didn’t know why I was not attracted to any. Called mom, cried. Can’t think straight can’t talk can’t decide. Ended the call with no decision because I was crying while thinking so hard and so fast to just click somewhere that’s popular which someone might want to swap later. But none that was left is popular. At the very last moment, Alor Setar was there, asked Kinah and Keya who were also panicking with me because we were late we didn’t get to choose yet, “Alor Setar keeee?”, and then Kinah decided it, I saw Kinah clicked it and succeeded. Panicked so I followed fast, clicked and pufff,
I lost it. I lost the game. It isn’t my choice. I didn’t plan this. It wasn’t in my list, never has been. Never. But it happened.
I still can’t believe what and why it happened. I didn’t plan to delay clicking Hantar and helped Wani when I got Pilah at first. I didn’t realized I made the decision for not clicking Hantar before helping Wani. It was my mistake. I should’ve clicked Hantar first before my hand moved to Wani’s mouse. Or else, I knew we could both get Pilah. I was getting Pilah because I got into the system earlier and smooth. I was there. I was so damn close.
I thought at least I have Kinah. At least I have her for my support. And Wani has swapped to Alor Setar too. At least, they are my support sytem for now. We only have each other.
484 kilometres, 4 hours and 50 minutes away from home. Unfamiliar, been there but never planned to come back.
I’m still crying while typing this entry.
I slept early and woke up in the middle of the night only to realize it wasn’t just a dream. I finally get to work, but in Hospital Alor Setar. It’s just.. too far away from home, from mama from abah, from my nephews and newborn niece. I’m so sad but I know I need to be thankful.
As a believer, yes insyaAllah, it may be the best for me and my future. For whatever happened today, I knew all along that Allah is the Best Planner of all. I may have my list but Allah has the best list for me. InsyaAllah I’ll find the hikmah soon, and write it here. I’ll find out if it’s a nightmare or a sweet dream. Huhu.
So, ke jelapang padi ke kiteee!
2087
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