I haven’t really said anything about the attack Sunday mostly because I didn’t know what to say or how to say what I was feeling. I felt numb at first. But then that numbness left and I was sad, I was angry, and I was scared.
I was sad because I’ve known people who have gone to that club. I have heard their stories of how fun it was. This club was a safe haven for so many people. A place where people could go and be their true selves without judgement, without hate. And someone chose to take their hate out on a group of people at that safe haven.
I was scared because we like to pretend that we have come so far as a society but this was a reminder of how far we still have to go. Growing up in the 90s being gay, bi, lesbian, trans or queer wasn’t talked about like it is now. There was no visibility and when there was there was a lot of hate around it. I knew what I was from an early age but was afraid to tell anyone. I was afraid of the hate I would get. I was afraid of the lack of acceptance. I didn’t come out till college and even then to only a few people. People I thought were accepting but some turned out to not be accepting at all. And now I am scared again. Scared because someone could hate people so much just because of who they love that they would kill and injure over 100 people.
And I am angry. I am angry that this happened. I am angry that this was able to happen. Someone should not be able to legally buy a military style weapon. People on watch lists should not be able to buy any weapons. I am angry how this has been reported. Yes this was a terrorist attack but this was also a purposeful attack on the LGBT community. He target the club specifically because it was a gay club. So media such as the New York Times, refusing to even mention the fact it was a gay club when first reporting and saying the shooter was simply attacking Americans having fun is not true and not accurate. This is the worst attack in LGBT history. People were killed because they were gay, not because they were “Americans having fun”.
I’m also angry at politicians. Politicians who are now suddenly come to our defense and politicians who are trying to erase who the victims are. Having politicians like Christie, Gov. Scott and others saying their support is with the LGBT community. Where was that support when we were trying to get the rights to marry who we love? Where is that support when LGBT people can still be fired from jobs, refused housing, etc. all because of who they are. Where is that support when our Trans brothers and sisters can’t use the bathroom? If you really want to give us your support, veto those hateful laws. Then you have politicians like Rubio and others saying this isn’t about LGBT people, or being gay or straight that it is about Americans being attacked. That the shooter could have chosen any club. But he didn’t. He purposefully chose a gay club during pride month. He purposefully went after the LGBT community because of his personal hate and feelings. If the shooter chose to attack a church or synagogue, we wouldn’t be ignoring or downplaying the fact shooter targeted Christians or Jews, so why are we doing that with the LGBT? This is about LGBT people. This was a purposeful hate crime and to call it anything else is a lie. He attacked a gay club not because “Isis” told him to but because of his own personal feelings. Yes this was an act of terror but it was a massive hate crime too. It can be both and not just one.
I’m also angry how people are reacting to this. We should be coming together as a country, as a people but I’m seeing even more division then there was before this attack. I am seeing people praising the shooter for attacking a gay club. I am seeing people say that while it is sad people died they got what was coming to them because they were going against god’s will and his laws. I am seeing people talk about how Muslims should be put to death. Hate is not how we need to deal with this. Not all Muslims are extremist, just like how not all Christians are like Timothy McVey or the Westboro Baptist church.
I am angry that hospitals need blood donations, but that gays still can’t give blood if they have had sex in the last year. That prevents people in long term relationships and marriages and even people who practice safe sex from helping those in need. I am angry that it is easier for someone who does drugs to give blood than someone who is gay. I am angry that it is easier to buy a gun than for someone who is gay to give blood.
I am sad. I am angry. I am scared. But I am also motivated. Motivated to turn this event around and make something positive happen from it. Motivated to see love conquer all the hate. Motivated to see a dialogue started. Motivated to help all my LGBT brothers and sisters in any way I can. Motivated to speak out. And motivated to not let this event stop me from being who I am.
