Life Update
The THINGS start comin' and they don't stop comin', bc that is what life is.
TW: Discussion of death, dying, hospitals, mourning, the death industry (I am not in any danger FYI!!!).
When it rains, it pours. It's always something. I used to think life was a series of things happening to you. I was wrong. Life is all the things happening all the time, always. I've been thinking about these kinds of... phrases? Sayings? A lot lately.
Quick recap: Severe pain in thigh in October 2025, went through a series of hoops set by insurance before they would pay for my treatment, gradually got worse until I could not walk in late April 2026, all while enduring these tests, fighting insurance, working, and attending and presenting at a scientific convention across the country, gallbladder died inside of me in May, causing an emergency surgery (as in, this lady will croak without the surgery STAT, life in danger), surgery to remove herniated disc from nerve root four weeks later, slowly learning to walk again, returned to work 6 weeks later, in PT twice a week scheduled through the end of September, fighting tooth and nail with insurance and short term disability the whole time.
In new news, my father passed last week. We did not have a relationship. I moved into college at 18, paid my own tuition, and have not seen him since outside of other people's weddings/funerals. There's no use speaking ill of the dead, but we'll say that I do not have a single positive memory of him and leave it at that. My mother stayed with him until the end, enduring his abuse and taking care of him through his decline with dementia. If you have never dealt with a dementia patient, and I truly, truly hope none of your loved ones become one, the dementia tends to enhance their personality traits. So. He was even more of a... we'll just say jerk.
I feel relieved. My mother is no longer in danger. And I keep thinking, outside of actual tragedy, is this the saddest fate a human can have? The people closest to them, at least by traditional family definitions, are relieved when they are gone, because they made life worse/more dangerous. What a way to live. Is that life? Is that a life?
I expected my mother to have complex grief. As my therapist said, that's the father of her two adult children, even if he was also a jerk. I didn't expect, and this was so... Foolish? Naive? Of me- I didn't expect her to switch from fretting over his decline to fretting over money, over having to get death certificates and the other various administrative tasks of death, over feeling guilty about cremating him (costs about $1,000-1,300) instead of holding a funeral and burial no one would attend (costs about $10,000-20,000). I didn't expect my brother to push for a funeral after having not contacted our father for years. I didn't expect my brother to get all aggressive about controlling my mom's future.
That's another thing. My mother has resisted all attempts at help from me, my brother, and her sisters for like... God, like 10+ years. The only solution she wanted was moving in with me, which was a firm no. My brother is insisting that she "needs" to sell the house and get in an apartment and stop doing daycare. And I'm like, okay, I know you're frustrated because mom kicks the can of change and dealing with things down, down, down, down eternally. We do need to talk about this! But yeah, you can't tell a full ass grown woman what to do.
What death has taught me thus far is that it grabs the fear, guilt, anger, and resentment of some mourners and just. Heaves it to the surface in a terrible tempest. And those folks vomit it all over the other mourners, who are also not having a Good Time. Death, I am learning, is also an industry. 20,000 American buckeroos to bury someone and hold a ceremony! Medical bills from the hospital! End of life care! Oops, you get half of your dead spouse's benefits now, good luck!
(I have instructed my husband to cremate me if I die and spread the ashes. If he wishes to keep them, I asked him to spread them towards the end of his life and leave instructions to have them spread if he dies. I don't need to be ashes awkwardly on a stranger's mantel decades post death, lmao! (Oh, who is that? Uhh my late father's first spouse's ashes. I heard she was a giant ass nerd.))
Listen, I'm 37. I was just starting to try for a baby when my medical problems started, and I have to wait 8 months post surgery before putting the load of childbearing on my spine. I might not have a kid, just from a medical/age standpoint. These thoughts I'm having might be moot, but...
Man, I worry about kids. Young people. My own nonexistent child. Is this what's waiting for them? No, no, I KNOW there is goodness and kindness and mercy in the world. But there is so much difficulty and stress and, and gross gross gross capitalism. 20,000 to be buried with a service! My brother demanding how much money I can pledge to my mom's care when I want to save for a baby I might not be able to have! Sometimes, I feel so, so, so, so grateful I lived and am walking again. Sometimes, I dream of some pocket dimension where I can scream my voice hoarse. Sometimes, I think of being barely aware, wracked with sciatica pain, having not eaten or slept in days, with an organ dying inside me, with my mom blowing up my phone because she can't find the hospital. Trying to comfort her while the doctors wheel me away for another test. I think of my dead father and feel relief until my mom or brother call or text.
But then I think of my husband, who has been by my side with love, kindness, patience, and support this ENTIRE time, without fail. I think of myself, a lady who can summon the kindness to soothe others while she is effectively dying and receiving medical help to, you know, prevent that. The self that is now walking again. The many, many kind people who have helped me along the way and are continuing to. I think of all of you, my adored friends who care and check in. I think of all the people who made these medical advances possible, so people like me can live and return to their lives.
When I say life is a bunch of things that keep happening, that is true of good things and bad. Sometimes you have to chase the good things, but they are there.
Anyway, my brain has checked out. Thanks for reading! I love you and hope you are well!
